Ah, Victoria Bitter, VB, Very Best, Vitamin B. This isn't just a beer, it's the unofficial IV drip of Aussie tradies and cricket players alike. Personally, I had never indulged in a VB before this experience so I had my fears. Would I grow a mullet? Would I have Vegemite toast for breakfast? Or would I immediately throw a shrimp on the barbie or whatever? There was only one way of knowing.
I cracked into my first can of what some refer to as the nectar of the gods – if the gods worked at Bunnings. Unusually, my VB was cold, which is rare for these drinks as they are usually found lukewarm. Similar to the Double Brown experience, sort of like your neighbours bringing in their groceries, you just don't see it happen.
The first sip was surprisingly smooth. I could see where the Aussies were coming from. VB is known for being ‘full strength’, and at around 4.9% average it’s not enough to make you forget your ex but it’s just enough to make them seem like a good idea again. VB’s slogan is “For a hard earned thirst”, and even though my thirst may not have been hard earned it was definitely quenched. Back in the day, VB had a low-carb version but Aussies treated it like a bad haircut – tried it once then never spoke of it again.
I was surprised to find myself enjoying my beverage; sure, not as much as a full cream Speight’s but I’d still well and truly drink it again. I did encounter one problem, though: after drinking only half a can, I already needed to break the seal. This beer is the taste of clocking off, whether that be a hard day on the stop go sign or, like me, consuming one retrieved from the Critic office fridge at midday and immediately loving the feeling of being parked up.
The mark of a true thirst-quenching beer, my eyes slid to the fridge where a second awaited. The sun came out at the same time, so it would have been rude not to. I cracked open another, just as good as the first, my sip again going down like water. Even though single, I felt the need to go pick up my girlfriend from school – the Aussie tradie in me was really taking over. My second can also brought the realisation that VB had the ability to turn any occasion into a reason to day drink.
Wedding? VB.
Funeral? VB.
Fixing the lawnmower? VB.
The versatility is out of the gate, just like you'll be on the back of a kangaroo after 12 of these bad boys.
Despite being called ‘bitter’ it's actually more of a lager, so it's not trying to hurt your feelings, just your liver. In conclusion, the Victoria Bitters really spoke to me. It had me missing hot summer days, overcooked sausages, and the ability to say: “Yeah nah, fucken oath cunt get a VB in ya, ya dog.”
Pairs well with: Meat pies, sunny backyard cricket with mates, NRL on the telly
X-Factor: Encapsulating your wannabe Aussie
Hangover Depression Level: 5/10, woke up with a koala in my bed
Taste Rating: 7/10