A wise man once said to never start your wine drinking journey with expensive wines, because then the cheap shit will taste even worse.
Upon ignoring this advice, I quickly learned that the only thing better than an expensive bottle was a free one, especially when it’s stolen from your rich mate's wine cellar when his parents were at the supermarket. Naturally, my first experience with wine was when I was fifteen. It was a Riesling. Or maybe a Sav. Who would know, but it was a 2002 Felton Road.
Ultimately, I ended up attempting to tackle sheep and chunnying on the carpet in the middle of the night, a high that only the finest quality of wine can bring.
I’ve been chasing that same high ever since, but with no one willing to donate a free or expensive wine I went for the next best thing: the cheapest and highest percentage bottle we could find. Say hello to Bay and Barnes Chardonnay.
Unlike that fancy Felton Road shit that appeals to people with a vague interest in René Magritte and middle-aged white people that only just realised they don’t have a hobby, Bay and Barnes take a more tacky approach, in what must be an attempt to feel like the Starbucks of wine brands.
Even the label description on the back sounds like your recently single co-worker attempting to rally the troops for a night out after work on a Friday. “How’s about a Chardonnay?” Fuck, the bottle is only one step off making a half-baked Boy reference.
As for taste, it’s a $10.99 bottle of shit wine. They’re all the exact same drink with different labelling anyway. It’s marketed towards the same people that drink Nitro – no one actually enjoys it, but it’s 13% and gets you fucked up. Chardonnay has the great upside of being potentially the most alcoholic white wine. In fact, if you’re feeling extra cheap, or fiending that extra bottle to drink on the benches of the Botans at 11am on a Tuesday, Liquorland has a deal for 2 for $20.
And if you’re really committed to writing yourself off, you can opt for Hardys Chardonnay: a 1-litre bottle of debauchery that comes in at an impressive 9.9 standards; it’ll get fucked up before you can even say “1 mild butter-chicken and 1 garlic naan please.” If that’s not enough reason to do wine-hands this weekend, I don’t know what is.
Pairs well with: A second bottle
X factor: Telling everyone that you're a fourth-year and don’t drink RTDs anymore
Hangover depression level: 7/10. Like you're trapped inside the mind of Tim Burton
Taste rating: 4/10.