Like most campus-bound creatures in May, Critic Te Ārohi has been crawling towards the pointy end of the semester, and Tabloid Issue has been the light at the end of the tunnel. Only so much of the antics can make it onto the page, so strap yourself in for an EXCLUSIVE cut of the behind the scenes tea that had notorious gossips Molly and Brad giggling and kicking their feet.
Starting with the obvious: the Liam White photoshoot. For someone who almost certainly has his eyes set on a future in politics, Liam’s shoot was wild (digital footprint, who?). Armed with a Speight’s beer-bottle-turned-flower-vase and crochet python (courtesy of Co-Culture Editor Lotto), Molly took a team of Exec members and two photographers to Smaills Beach at golden hour for some gorgeous shots. I’m told it was Liam’s idea to lose the jocks, his girlfriend holding up the OUSA tapestry as a modesty towel. While Liam mooned the surfers in the sea and smoldered at the camera, moral support Exec members got drunk on rosé. To the person who commented in the Critic Census that they love anything “provocative”, it’s like you manifested this one.
Then we have the Daniel Leamy fan club, an article I only found out was in the works the week before Tabloid went to print. An Instagram/shrine to the Finance and Strategy Officer had popped up and everyone within OUSA had been speculating who was behind it – myself included. Then I spotted Hanna and Molly whispering between themselves like kids in the back of a classroom, catching “do we tell her” before they pulled me outside to privately spill the beans. But the tea is that what began as a lighthearted prank wound up sparking beef among the Exec, who were divided over whether it should be affiliated (spoiler: it was).
The club needed to be passed as a motion through the Executive, something that required it to be added to the agenda and voted on. In the lead-up to the vote, the Exec were split. Liam, who had proven himself a goofy guy with the scandal photoshoot, surprised us all by being seriously against the club. I’ve never seen him so grumpy. Daniel has been fully onboard, if a bit bemused by all the attention. Stella is delighted that the Exec is finally doing something “funny”. And I’ve never seen Molly more giddy than when they finally affiliated the fan club after two meetings of bickering. We then doubled down on the tension by asking what they made of Capping Show featuring BDS-listed McDonald’s which goes against OUSA’s current political posture.
Okay, we really wanted to be able to glaze our theatre kid cousins at the Capping Show but instead it glazed us in mimed cum. A total of seven Critic staff members went to the show – four to the opening night, and then three to another night to 1) speculate who the Capping-cest rumours were about, 2) taste test Wests’ chocolade (bad), and 3) see whether the review was too mean. It wasn’t. According to the Capping Show, student life is 85% sex, 10% drugs, and 5% Nazi jokes. But according to the ongoing Critic Census, almost half have sex once every few months at most, and for 10% it’s an annual affair. Branch out, guys.
Other juicy tidbits in the lead-up to Tabloid include the Exec admitting to us on the record that they lied to a student club in order to exclude them from a committee; passionate spiels about stick-shaped pretzels; being hosted at a flat’s homemade backyard mini golf course; Brad debuting his writing career as Griselda Pinot; dashing into the office to make an addition to Overheard Ōtepoti; Connor giggling to himself as he drew a satirical ad for a Liam White calendar; and everyone in the office crowding around Designer Evie’s computer to stare at a ball-gagged Salvador Dali scarecrow that was included in a Flat and Garden submission.
Please enjoy flicking through the Tabloid Issue that will hopefully provide some joy and in-lecture giggles, and give your friend an incredibly niche yet extremely wholesome compliment (courtesy of Co-Culture Editor Lotto’s wonderful brain). Shout-out to horoscope columnist Molly Smith-Soppet for her work in this one, the woman is born for salacious hijinks and silly business. Prepare for a lot of exclamation marks, capitalisations, and general fanfare. We had fun – I hope you do, too.