Have something juicy to tell us? Send your salacious stories to moaningful@critic.co.nz. Submissions remain anonymousIf you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few memorable moments between the sheets of whatever bed you currently call home. But after a recent revelation that my flat was once the site of a full-blown BDSM orgy (yes, whips, chains, and leather – the holy trinity), I started to think a little harder about the bed I’m sleeping in.
Not my own bed, mind you. I’m a proud participant in what I like to call the Great Uni Bed Chain – buying whatever mattress happens to already be in the flat I’m moving into, then selling it off to the next poor soul when I move out. It’s cheap, convenient, and horrifying if you stop to think about it for too long.
Because… what has happened in these beds? Whose naked ass has christened this mattress before mine? According to a friend who knew the last owner, my current bed saw some pretty questionable sexual activity. I was even more disturbed to realise that the mirror in my room lines up perfectly with the bed. Like – no. I don’t need to visualise that.
So as you all start packing up for the holidays, heading back to your childhood bedrooms where the only stains are from juice boxes and tears, take a moment to reflect. What stories would your uni bed tell if it could talk? Maybe it’s seen the classic “we swear we’re just friends” situationship finally implode at 2 a.m. Or the sloppy 3 a.m. hookup that started with a game of beer pong and ended with someone crying into a half-eaten kebab. Maybe it survived a one-night stand so awkward that both parties pretended to be asleep until one of them eventually snuck out. Or perhaps it’s witnessed a committed couple do something unspeakable with a bottle of whipped cream and a roll of duct tape.
What have your walls witnessed? The late-night confessions? The bad sex? The desperate “you up?” replies you’d rather forget? For your sake, I hope not a BDSM orgy.
And to those of you smugly lounging on brand new mattresses you’ve had since first year:
a) screw you, and
b) think about your own questionable choices instead — and if any of them are funny, send them in so we can all laugh about them together next semester.