Archive

Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever

Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26

Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Penis

Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well.   Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...

Editorial | I Can’t E-Van

Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter

On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...

Science Tank | Hear, Hear

Posted 1:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

As someone who hosts a weekly radio show, I was initially excited at the prospect of hearing my own voice in recording. I thought I was a pretty amazing radio presenter and that I sounded like milk, honey and cocaine all in one. Boy, how jarring it was to hear my screechy bagpipe of a wheeze Read more...

Lucky in Love | Beverley & Stuttering Bill

Posted 12:57pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Beverley The night began encouragingly with my friends telling me that my hair in the wind made me look like Pennywise from It. On that note, they dropped me off at the Bog. I walked in and started chatting to the bar staff, discovering they have seen many an interesting night go down. Hoping my Read more...

The Hell Hole | The Nightmare

Posted 12:47pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joel MacManus

I joined the Young Nats to stop this nightmare. I waved placards at cars, I knocked on doors, I spammed my friends on Facebook until they all blocked me. It wasn’t enough. The day after the election, Dear Leader Jacinda took her oath of office. The red curtain fell. Taxes were raised to Read more...

Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand

Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Could Tu-Not?

Posted 12:24pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, There’s this guy who eats tuna in the main library every day I am studying in there. It stinks and really distracts me from studying. I can’t stand it! Library studier   Ethel says The library works hard to provide an environment which is Read more...

Sage Advice | Exams: A Journey into Hades, Examined by the Beast

Posted 12:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” - Florence Nightingale   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I’m shitting bricks about exams. What are some tips on how to do well in an exam?” Thank you for the question. There is an old saying Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Water

Posted 11:00am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Things that wouldn’t exist without water: Umbrellas, plumbing, teapots, straws, flippers, periscopes, gutters, islands, sprinklers, water slides, urinals, water fights, water balloons, lifeguards, beaches, icebergs, flippers, saunas, aqueducts, washing powder, surf boards, ice Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 10:11am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we would like to devote all our space (and most of the Facts and Figures space as well) to addressing the ODT’s cryptic and eye catching post-election image. Interestingly, the ODT decided to avoid any specific reference to Game of Thrones in the picture; presumably to throw Read more...

Editorial | Coalition Negotiations Aside, We Must Not Forget the Important Issues of the Election

Posted 9:20am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joe Higham

What the (provisional) election results reveal, apart from the fact that very few people seem to understand how the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting system works, is that much of New Zealand remains uncomfortable confronting the severity, or even the existence in some cases, of the problems we Read more...

Science Tank | RIP Cassini

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

A planet named after the Roman god of time, renewal and liberation seems a fitting final resting place for our lovely friend Cassini-Huygens, whose life was spent furthering astronomical knowledge and the liberation of truth from a far-flung part of our small star system in this abyssal ocean of Read more...

Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...

Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...

The Hell Hole | Worm

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon

There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...

Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh

Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale

This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...