Archive

ODT Watch | Issue 13

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.     Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack

Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight

Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...

Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour

Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...

Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers

Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...

Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes

Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...

Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings

Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 12

Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’.     They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long.     It has Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale

Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick

Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit

Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents

Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...

Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...

Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...

Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”

Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues.      “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...

Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 11

Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic

Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious.   Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...

Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...

Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...