Archive

Moaningful Confessions | Ted’s Bundy

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Critic

Being a broke Uni student, everyone does things to earn a little extra cash. For me, it was selling my body. A man, who we shall call Dave, who I’ve done a few things for, asked me one fateful evening if I could join in for a threesome. I kindly declined. However, I don’t think he got Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 21

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Sometimes, your airheaded ways can cause you to drift off, leaving you un-present during conversations. Work on this and learn how to live in the moment, as this time of life is often so fleeting.  Hangover cure: more shots.    Pisces Feb 19 Read more...

Booze Review | Steinlager Pure makes an embarrassment of Steinlager Classic

Posted 8:33pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Chug Norris

Steinlager Pure is like the younger sibling that outshines their elder in every way. Despite the marketing for both drinks being so similar that even experienced piss fiends would confuse them, the Pure version of Steinlager is infinitely better than its Classic cousin. But the quality of Pure also Read more...

Skuxx Food | Chicken and Chorizo Paella

Posted 8:30pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

If you’re feeling it, swap the chicken for prawns – this is more traditional and very skuxx. Simply add them during the last 5 minutes of cooking. I also like to chuck a seasonal green in there for #health, silverbeet or spinach works well! Serves 5  Ingredients:  Olive Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 8:27pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Trish. We got last issue’s submission correct: Chris was in section 266 of Capital One Arena, for the Roger Waters gig in Washington, D.C. We guessed just one level up, but the same section. First Thoughts: It’s gloomy, it’s dreary, Read more...

In the Eye of the Beholders | Dunedin Art Reviews

Posted 8:24pm Saturday 3rd September 2022 by Esmond Paterson and Maddie Fenn

Every week, we send two writers to an art exhibit in Ōtepoti Dunedin. One of them will choose a specific piece, and describe it to the other without them looking. They’ll try to figure out what the piece actually is before diving into their thoughts on the entire exhibition. You Read more...

These “Freedom of Speech” Protests Remind me a lot of Woodstock ’99

Posted 6:26pm Friday 2nd September 2022 by Fox Meyer

It was 1999: the leather was low-cut, the tensions were high, and the dreadlocks were very, very white. The original Woodstock co-founder decided to throw another event to promote “peace and love”, which ended in a fiery riot. The first red flag was that he decided to host the hippie Read more...

Moaningful_Confessions.txt | Robot rendezvous

Posted 5:29pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Critic

I had the most amazing rendezvous last night. I was out at the bar with a few friends when I spotted him across the room. He was tall, dark, and handsome, and I couldn't help but stare. I could tell he was interested too, because he kept making eye contact with me. After a couple of drinks, I Read more...

Roboscopes: Week 20

Posted 5:25pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Critic

We used an AI to generate these, but ran out of our free trial halfway through. You can see where we switched to a shittier free one.   Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Once you've put yourself in the right frame of mind, you'll be ready to start flirting up a storm. Whether Read more...

Booze Review | Bavaria Dark 8.6ers are an atrocious drink, but at least they’re not a rip off

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Chug Norris

Some of the best things in life are free, but some of the worst things in life come in at 0.95 dollars per standard. It must be said: massive respect to Bavaria for being one of the few drinks other than goon that can consistently deliver golden ratio prices, but it has to be asked: is the misery Read more...

AI Food | Raspberry Pie

Posted 5:14pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Alan Turing

Disclaimer: This was written by an AI. We have no idea if it’ll work. If you end up trying it out, let us know how it goes. This raspberry pie recipe is so simple and delicious, and it comes with a heart-warming story about how I used to hate raspberry pie but came to love it. When I was Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 5:09pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Chris. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to a last-minute bit of sleuthing by one of our reporters. Arlo was standing on Conwy Castle, in Llandudno Junction, Wales. First thoughts: Looks like the Hajj, but obviously not. Okay, stadium, Read more...

In the Eye of the Beholders | Dunedin Art Reviews

Posted 5:07pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Esmond Paterson and Maddie Fenn

Every week, we send two writers to an art exhibit in Ōtepoti Dunedin. One of them will choose a specific piece, and describe it to the other without them looking. They’ll try to figure out what the piece actually is before diving into their thoughts on the entire exhibition. You Read more...

AI is more – and less – scary than you think

Posted 2:50pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Fox Meyer

In this issue, every piece of art was initially designed by an AI. We used DALL·E 2 and Midjourney to create concept art, and then had our artists go back over that art to stylise it. If we learned anything from that process, it’s that AI won’t be replacing artists any time soon. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | TRUE STORY! Nice Guy Gentleman Gets Laid! *NOT CRINGE AT ALL!*

Posted 3:18pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Critic

Once upon a summer's day, a beautiful princess was finishing her last exam. Her (not really) prince charming was waiting outside the exam room with a cup of tea, a packed lunch and his noble steed (Toyota people-mover with amazing fuel economy). It had been a couple of lonely days with the exam Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 19

Posted 3:15pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you’ve been working hard, and getting your priorities in check. You are on the cusp of a new phase of your life. Keep taking the right steps forward, and keep your eyes on the prize.  Healthy coping mechanism to try: making your coffee at Read more...

Booze Review | Scapegrace Pomegranate & Doris Plum is a Pretentious Money-Grab

Posted 3:09pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Chug Norris

There is only one way a person could come to buy Scapegrace’s Pomegranate and Doris Plum RTDs: fresh from an exhausting day of abusing retail workers and making disapproving noises about the homeless, your average Scapegrace consumer is in much need of refreshment. Getting home and realising Read more...

Skuxx Food | 4-ingredient pesto pasta

Posted 3:07pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Eat this hot or cold, lunch or dinner, drunk or sober. So versatile!  Ingredients:  500 grams of pasta: if you’re making this as a salad, use short pasta, if eating hot, go long  Around 200 grams of pesto  A bag of spinach, roughly chopped  Around 200 grams of Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 3:05pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Arlo. We got last week’s submission bang on, Jeremy was on the corner of Trgovke and Sarači in Sarajevo.  First Thoughts: Right off the bat I’m going to guess somewhere near the UK. That’s a big area, and honestly, I’m Read more...

In the Eye of the Beholders | Dunedin Art Reviews

Posted 3:03pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Esmond Paterson and Maddie Fenn

Every week, we send two writers to an art exhibit in Ōtepoti Dunedin. One of them will choose a specific piece, and describe it to the other without them looking. They’ll try to figure out what the piece actually is before diving into their thoughts on the entire exhibition. You Read more...

You Don’t Have to be This Poor

Posted 1:23pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Fox Meyer

I’m going to make this exceptionally clear: you are not poor because you’ve made poor life choices. You are poor because there’s a student poverty crisis.  It’s not like you enjoy it, right? Do you enjoy being in one of the most impoverished communities in Aotearoa? Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Togal Catastrophe

Posted 8:08pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Critic

It was my first year at Otago Uni. I was freshly 18, still a virgin and O-week was coming up. I decided to go to toga with a couple of people I’d met that day. After more than a couple drinks, some shitty dancing and moving our way up in the crowd, I looked around only to realise I recognised Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Mommy Milk

Posted 8:07pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Critic

So, pretty soon after I had broken up with my boyfriend, I decided to have a little hoe phase and met up with this guy. He was quite strange but he picked me up and we ended up going to a hotel (I have never felt more like a hooker in my life). For some reason he put on the Minion Movie and we Read more...

Donate Now: Save the rare Purple Goanna

Posted 8:05pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Chug Norris

It is difficult to review RTDs because they are all so generic. Unlike beer, they don’t have a certain type of person culturally associated with the drink; unlike spirits, they don’t have a unique or surprising new way of getting people wasted. RTDs are made for the lowest common Read more...

Skuxx Food | 10-minute Garlic Chilli Oil Noodles

Posted 8:03pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

If you’re like me and your algorithm is purely food videos, chances are you will have seen this recipe on TikTok. Here’s my take on garlic chilli oil noodles. The perfect recipe to whip up for lunch, as it literally only takes 10 minutes.  Serves Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 18

Posted 8:01pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Feeling depressed? Yeah, aren’t we all. Take some self-care time this week, and really reflect on your emotional wellbeing and relationships.  Holiday to book: Bali.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Pisces have such an interesting way of Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 7:52pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week we have an image supplied by Jeremy. We were spot on with last week’s location, though it required an extraordinary stroke of luck; A was at the former site of Pizzahub, in Melbourne.  First Thoughts: This looks very Eastern European: everything from the roofing to the hookah Read more...

Editorial: I went to the US and it was a fucking shambles

Posted 6:52pm Friday 5th August 2022 by Fox Meyer

I got to go home to the States for the first time since Covid broke out. And lemme tell ya, things are not going well. Nothing summed up the trip better than a lady in Des Moines, Iowa, who told me how the election was stolen and then followed it up with “oh but I love New Zealand, the Swiss Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Indecent Exposure

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Critic

It’s a Saturday in Dunedin. But this isn’t a story of a Saturday night where you go to a flat and get super wasted while eyeing up the person you want to end up fucking later. No, this story is different. It was the middle of the day – 12:34pm to be precise. I was working my shitty Read more...

Booze Review | Major Major Blended Kentucky Bourbon

Posted 4:49pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Chug Norris

Let’s be honest, it really doesn’t take a lot of effort to make people buy alcohol in NZ. Major Major’s Blended Kentucky Bourbon drink is not a particularly innovative move by Asahi. They’ve just bought a bottle of bourbon and watered it down with some lemon soda. But Read more...

Skuxx Food | Pumpkin, spinach, chickpea curry

Posted 4:47pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

I’m sorry for neglecting the vegans for so long: make this meal 100% animal friendly by swapping the butter for oil, the cream for coconut cream and using vegetable stock.  Serves 5  Ingredients:  ⅓ of a pumpkin, cut into 3cm cubes Salt and pepper  25 grams Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 17

Posted 4:45pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 NO, don’t order that UberEats! Get the fuck up and do your grocery shopping. And buy some kiwifruit while you’re there. When was the last time you took a shit that wasn’t pebbles? Tip to cure your seasonal depression: Make the flat a Sunday Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by “A”. We nailed last week’s submission; Jeff was at the Three Sixty bar at the Hilton, St. Louis, Missouri.  First thoughts: Looks like Aotearoa to me. I can see a railway crossing in the back, too. So it’s probably a Read more...

Editorial: Make Otago more like Vegas

Posted 1:03pm Sunday 31st July 2022 by Fox Meyer

Local elections are coming up, and I think we need to stack the regional council with people like the ones that run Vegas.  In the mag this week, Elliot’s written an excellent piece about the Otago Regional Council (ORC) and their management of a major river in Otago. It’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Mr. Squirt, Mr. Peanut Butter

Posted 6:36pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Critic

It was your average Saturday night on Re-O week, I'd finished up at Castle and figured it was time to pull. I had just seen the guy that ghosted me pull another bird and I needed to crack on. With perfect timing, I got a Snapchat from a Tinder guy who I had been talking with a little. I thought, Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 6:35pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week we have an image supplied by Jeff. We were spot on with last week’s location, but it cost us our dignity. Fraser was looking at Larry the Lobster in Kingston SE, by Adelaide. First Thoughts: Budweiser stadium, we’re in the States for sure. Is there a Budweiser stadium? Read more...

Booze Review | Guinness

Posted 6:33pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Chug Norris

Ireland may have shown themselves to be a superior rugby force in recent weeks, but at least our national beverage doesn’t taste like watery-piss vegemite. Guinness is the most overrated trash that has ever been produced on a large scale. Its popularity in Ireland is all the more unusual Read more...

Skuxx Food | Pumpkin, feta, caramelised onion and spinach quiche

Posted 6:32pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

I realised I only give you recipes for pasta or noodles so here’s a few different carbohydrates. Go crazy.  Ingredients:  ¼-⅓ pumpkin, cut into 3cm cubes Olive oil   3 onions, thinly sliced 3 teaspoons brown sugar  3 tablespoons balsamic Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 16

Posted 6:31pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Things are going well, aren’t they? The progress you’ve been seeing will continue so long as your attitude remains positive. Don’t get yourself down. Fun way to spice up the bedroom this week: Roleplay as the cast of Cars Read more...

Editorial: How much data is in one ejaculation?

Posted 2:40pm Monday 25th July 2022 by Fox Meyer

One sperm contains about 3.3 billion base pairs, stored in DNA. Each base pair is two bits of data, for a total of 787MB of data per sperm. With somewhere around 280 million sperm per ejaculation, that means a single load contains about 220,000 terabytes of data. That’s a lot of information to Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Three’s a Crowd

Posted 5:28pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Critic

There I was, fresh into my first year at Otago, having spent the first-half semester with my virginity still intact. Not wanting to enter my Fresher Hoe Phase a novice, I was desperate to get some experience during the mid-sem break. Luckily, my friend had the smartest idea: “Why not knock out Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 5:25pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Fraser. We were close to last week’s correct location, but not quite there. Paul’s photo was snapped from a building window higher up and further back than we thought, because he cropped the photo to make it harder. Curses! First thoughts: Read more...

Booze Review | Jack Daniels

Posted 5:22pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Chug Norris

Although most American products are marketing-heavy and quality-poor, sometimes they get things right. Jack Daniel’s is one such thing and it blows all of its poncy European rivals out of the water. JD is delicious, cheap, and, above all, it is far less pretentious than most other Read more...

Skuxx Food | Mushroom and Spinach Carbonara

Posted 5:21pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Because it contains mushrooms and spinach, this is by no means a traditional carbonara, and is enough for your favourite Italian Davide to call you a “liar, an actress, and to get the fuck out”, but that never stopped Ekin-Su and shouldn’t stop you Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 15

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your lust and love for life is admirable, but remember: sometimes shit is rough. Not everything can be fun all the time, and sometimes you have to do the hard yards. Bad habit to break: being irresponsible with your finances.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Editorial: Chlöe Swarbrick Knows Muay Thai

Posted 2:21pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Fox Meyer

Last week, experienced Muay Thai champion and Green MP Chlöe Swarbrick defended her title against the underqualified and inexperienced challenger Fox Meyer, editor of Critic Te Arohi, in what viewers described as a “one-sided beatdown for the ages”. “I didn’t know Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | An Intimate Knowledge of Criminal Activity

Posted 12:46pm Sunday 10th July 2022 by Critic

I’m going to have to keep this kinda vague because I’m scared that someone will burn my house down, but here goes. A few months ago, I was enrolled in this course. I was living in the town, and was surrounded by people from all over. It was a great time, I learned heaps, and although I Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 14

Posted 12:44pm Sunday 10th July 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 If you’re reading this, it’s a sign to abandon all sense of responsibility and chase your dreams. Don’t let social norms confine you.  Re-O Activity: A skiing getaway.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Chances are, you’re Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:29am Saturday 9th July 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image provided by Paul. We got last issue’s submissions pretty much correct: Elias was “pretty much” on the roof of the Place Seffarine, Fez, Morocco.  First Thoughts: Well, it’s definitely a tower, and it looks all festive and fun. I Read more...

Booze Review | Wild Buck

Posted 2:26am Saturday 9th July 2022 by Chug Norris

There has never been as grim a beer as Wild Buck. It may be marketed as some sort of salt of the earth, deep country beer, but the reality is it’s just a mixture of sludge dredged from the bottom of the Waikato, and fermented deer piss. It is feral. If you are ever unlucky enough to find Read more...