Archive

EDITORIAL: This was never a peaceful protest

Posted 1:06pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

Helluva week, huh? We’ve got a war, we’ve got a scary new climate report, and we’ve got the shitstorm that blew through parliament grounds on Wednesday. This whole issue of Critic has a bit of a calamitous fog hanging over it, which you can probably tell from the cover. I guess Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not into that shit

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

I believe I have had the shittiest attempt at a hookup ever.  To set the scene: I’d just freshly moved out of my mum’s house into my first flat. My flatmates are both out so I decide fuck it, time to hop on Grindr, what’s the worst that could happen? So I message this guy Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Green Mac and Cheese

Posted 4:12pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Green Mac and Cheese This rendition of your classic mac ‘n cheese is perfect for post-O Week, when your hangover isn't budging but your body is begging for some nutrients. It's effectively like you’re 5-years-old again and your mum is disguising your vegetables under a pile of Read more...

Booze Reviews | Tui 7.2% Strong Lager

Posted 4:06pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Chug Norris

Tui has done it again. Earlier, with their standard lager, the brewery perfectly captured the taste of a minor fuck-up, a small leak in the life-boat, a failure to look both ways at a railway crossing, a sneaky look down the barrel of a firework to see why it isn’t working.  But now, Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 1

Posted 4:04pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You’ve done a lot of personal growth over the summer, and renegotiated a lot of relationships. Remember to not beat yourself up about the past.  New Year's resolution: setting personal boundaries and not falling back into toxic Read more...

Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War

Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...

Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D

Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...

EDITORIAL: If we had student bars, I bet there’d be less news about party breaches

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Fox Meyer

There is no student bar this year. That’s a first for Dunedin, as far as I can tell.  See, student bars are like whales. In the mid 1800’s, Pākehā settlers set up shop on the peninsula and hunted migrant whales by the boatload until they learned to avoid Dunedin. By the Read more...

OPINION: It's Looking Pretty Grim for Dunedin Students

Posted 1:46pm Saturday 26th February 2022 by Elliot Weir

I hate to add more doom and gloom to your day, but at the moment, it’s looking pretty grim for Dunedin students. If you’re reading this then you’re probably one of those students, and I don’t need to tell you. You’ve got emails, tiktoks, and an itchy feeling in the back Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:47pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Fuck your exams. Send it away, have a drink or 26. Don’t listen to logic or reason. You’re a party rocker and you’re in the house tonight. Summer activity: going on a three month bender   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have courage in what Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Sinking Feeling

Posted 3:40pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Out Of Reach The knock at the door got me jumping off the bed in seconds. I ran down the stairs, excited to see her. My eyes lit up as I saw her. My new vibrator was just as I had imagined, a petite wee thing, exactly like her profile. I escorted her upstairs to my room. Things escalated quickly Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 3:34pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Sticking your head out of the car window with your mouth open. It’s NOT safe and I do not do it but it’s bloody brilliant #maincharacter Justifying massive and expensive Shein hauls just because you’re vegan (we all make mistakes ok). Even the most northern of Read more...

Rare Covid Strain Emerges In North D: Brovid-19

Posted 3:30pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following an emergency 1pm presser this afternoon, the nation has been alerted to the emergence of a dangerous new strain of Covid. The outbreak is centered on Dunedin North, according to Minister of Finance and assistant Prime Minister Grant “Red Robbo” Robertson who told the Read more...

Booze Reviews | El Jimador Blaco

Posted 3:24pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

I bought my bottle of El Jimador Blaco on a Thursday afternoon, dreading the prospect of consuming the sheer volume of a full box of beers. While perusing the RTD section of Leith Liquor, inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning: spirits were the answer to my problem. Pleased with my Read more...

EDITORIAL: Peace out

Posted 8:41am Sunday 10th October 2021 by Erin Gourley

Welcome to the last issue. I’m writing this on the final print night of Critic Te Arohi for 2021. We’ve made 26 issues of this magazine for you over the year. That means that I get to be nostalgic in this editorial. At the start of the year, 26 issues seemed like a lot. A lot of Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:39am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Biscuit Fudge It’s getting to the time of the year when the finances are looking extremely scant, and the stress levels are high because of exams. This biscuit fudge recipe is perfect because it won’t break the bank. I find that fudge tends to be one of the best remedies for Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

Posted 12:38am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

With daylight savings creeping up, it’s time for me to reminisce on what I was doing this time last year. My lovely friend (we’ll call her Sophie) and I had decided to head to Christchurch, with hopes of pulling a pair of guys. After trying to shotgun a few too many drinks beforehand, Read more...

Waka Kotahi to Permanently Concrete over Bat Holes During George St Upgrade

Posted 12:36am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Contractors for Waka Kotahi (NZTA) have announced plans to concrete over bat roosts during the recently announced George St one-way upgrade. The announcement follows the revelation by RNZ that builder's foam was being used to fill in potential bat roosts on the route of the proposed Mt Read more...

Pens Get Ready to Run Out Mid-Exam

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A group of pens sitting in the bottom of Connor Jackson’s bag have revealed their dastardly plan to run out precisely in the middle of his LAWS101 exam. The hopeful first-year law student has no idea what his pens are scheming up for him. “I’ve been saving up for this moment all Read more...

Student Watches Cooking Video and Actually Cooks the Recipe

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

After spending most of his life aimlessly scrolling through cooking videos for entertainment, a student has made the leap to actually cooking a recipe from a video that he watched.  In an interview with the Critical Tribune the student, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that upon Read more...

Texting Scam Offers Free Booze, Catches 90% Of Student Population

Posted 12:33am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students across Dunedin were caught up in a sophisticated scam over the past week which exploited their core weakness: the ingrained need to get on the piss. The scam involved a text being sent to students prompting them to open a suspicious link. It promised a free box of booze if they download Read more...

Booze Reviews | Nitro XXX Vodka Guarana Liqueur

Posted 12:31am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Chug Norris

Nitro has always been at the forefront of binge-drinking innovation, but this time they have gone too far. Nitro Vodka Guarana Liqueur hits the shelves this week, and it is dangerous. The drink comes in a 500mL spirit bottle, contains large quantities of caffeine and guarana, and is 30% ABV. It Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:28am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Everyone knows it’s you who cheats on the pub quiz, fucking stop it. To numb the pain, try: a durry and a black coffee   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’m afraid to say you have girlbossed too close to the sun, your girlboss wings are melting, Read more...

EDITORIAL: Presenting Critic’s Plan for George Street

Posted 3:09pm Friday 1st October 2021 by Erin Gourley

The DCC made a plan for George Street and boomers had a fit about it. We want to present Critic’s plan, which should be implemented immediately to ensure maximum voter engagement at the next Local Body Elections. George Street will be renamed Geroge Street. There are trams, which are Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Girl Next Door

Posted 4:00pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Me and Jade had been neighbours for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the hinterlands of the south, we had gone to school in Gore together. Even as we got into the saddle of puberty, I had never really seen her as a potential romantic filly — I was in a stable relationship, and besides, Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 3:58pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

  September marks the month when I become unhealthily and prematurely excited about Christmas and start baking large volumes of this gingerbread. I think that a lot of people are deterred from making cakes or desserts because often several components need to be made, and chilled, etc. This Read more...

Fifth Year Makes Ground-Breaking Discovery: The Botans

Posted 3:56pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Cedar, a fifth year breather, decided to start walking to the supermarket during lockdown, because he really had “nothing better to do”. To his sheer amazement, he discovered what he reckons is “one of the most beautiful scenes to gaze upon” and is nearly as good as Read more...

Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...

Stella Artois

Posted 3:50pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

Do you believe that taxation is literally theft? Do you find yourself retching in disgust as you walk past commoners drinking boxes of Flame? Does Maggie Thatcher’s steely gaze awaken something deep within? Stella Artois is perfect for showing your lower class friends you aren’t out Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:46pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Instead of pre-planning New Years, focus on those end of year exams and assignments. One day at a time as they say. Political ideology to research: shit-posting left wing content on social media   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 All panic, no Read more...

EDITORIAL: We need oversight of how Aotearoa’s universities handle sexual harassment

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

This week in news, Stop Sexual Harassment on Campus Aotearoa (SSHOC) are calling for the creation of a new organisation to monitor how universities respond to sexual misconduct on campus. That’s a great idea that needs to be implemented. Universities across the country have failed their Read more...

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...

Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”

Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 7:02pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your mental stability might scare you at the moment. But it’s okay, you can’t be unhinged forever. It’s all part of the character development. Beverage of the week: cheap bottle of sav   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Romanticise every Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 6:58pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Level 2, house parties are where it’s at!! But pls theme your house parties for a more fun and interesting time. Masks, it’s so much easier to make eyes at people now because it’s the only part of their face you can see. Making yourself the main character. I am in Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | No Ragrets

Posted 6:57pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

When the Critic asked us to spill our most scandalous sexcapades I didn’t know where to start. I still don’t. So many stories. Do I start with the three-way in a sauna which ended with more than sweat dripping down my body? Or the twelve-man orgy in which I could only make out the Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 6:55pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

No-Yeast Pesto Scrolls I created this recipe when I had the dark realisation that I was averaging about five scrolls per week, which really does make a dent on the bank account. These are so easy to make and the recipe doesn’t involve any yeast. You can also change up the flavour to what Read more...

Corona Extra

Posted 3:48pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Chug Norris

The first time I ever had a beer, it was a Corona. My dad handed it to me, looked me dead in the eyes and said: “This is a Corona boy. Don’t take your Coronas to a party, son, leave them at home for pre’s.” All my life I heeded his words. Every time I bought Coronas, I Read more...

EDITORIAL: Pour one out for Catherine Mills, “habitual drunkard” and original owner of Starters

Posted 1:32pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

We’re all mourning the death of Starters. No more afternoon pints in the courtyard, no more underrated cheeseburgers in the dingy light, no more ordering too many beer towers, no more being grossed out by the bathrooms that never quite stopped smelling of vomit. But the bar wasn’t only a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | That Time I Straight Up Had Sex In A Zoo

Posted 4:22pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic

Okay straight up I had sex in a zoo, multiple times. I’m here to confess my sins of my wrongdoings to all of the animals that bore witness to these sexy times. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time came to visit me in my home city and we went to the zoo, as you do when you're showing someone Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 4:21pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Self Saucing Pudding This is my most baked pudding of 2021. On several occasions when I have been at a loss for what to cook for dinner, I have made and eaten half of this pudding and called it a day. When you make this recipe, it will feel wrong, as pouring boiling water on top of cake Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:16pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Nanaia Mahuta (Foreign Affairs Minister) having a moko kauae — yes queen I’m so glad she reps NZ. Justifying your post lockdown slutty behaviour by reminding yourself what Chris Hipkins said. That fact that I dropped out before lockdown started, I do not need another year Read more...

Nissan Leaf Blissfully Unaware That It Will Be A Breatha’s Car in 20 Years

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A Japanese Nissan Leaf is sitting in a Yokohama showroom, apparently happily unaware of the abuse it will face at the hands of an Otago student in 20 years time. The electric car, decked out in Magnetic Red, was born at Nissan’s Oppama Factory last month; far too young to even comprehend Read more...

Return to Level 2 Celebrated By Exploited Hospo Workers

Posted 4:13pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A return to Alert Level 2 is being welcomed by Dunedin’s exploited hospitality workers, who say they are looking forward to being overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated yet again.  Local bartender Timothy told the Critical Tribune: “It was real weird sitting at home. Like, I Read more...

Booze Reviews | Grolsch Premium Pilsner

Posted 4:11pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by 6Pac

Grolsch is the beer that nobody asked for and nobody drinks. Just the name fills you with disgust and a little bit of fear. Despite the tastefully ribbed green bottle for his and her pleasure, the tiny printed label around its neck makes Grolsch almost invisible to the naked eye when literally any Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:08pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Despite the news of level 2, chances are you’re not going to break those lockdown habits. Keep ignoring those lectures and day drinking. YOLO swag. Self care tip: indulge in some bougie RTDs   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The next few weeks are Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL | Nau mai ngā hua o Mahuru Māori

Posted 12:50am Saturday 11th September 2021 by Karamea Pēwhairangi

Mauri ora ki a tātau katoa.  Nau mai haere mai ki tēnei perehitanga mo Te Arohi! Kaore he kore e mōhiotia whānuitia koutou ko te kaupapa mo tēnei wiki, ko te reo Māori. Ko ōna pikinga, me ōna hekenga i roto i ngā tau kua hōri. Hei kupu Read more...

Crossword (Issue 21)

Posted 12:44pm Monday 6th September 2021 by Ciara White

Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue.    Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Part 2: A Big Night

Posted 3:59pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic

This experience came right on the back of a great one nighter, a wonderful night with such a hulk of man. Totally destroyed my ass and I loved it. We arranged to meet at his (we'll call him Dave), and planned out a little study meeting with some fun and maybe even a friend after. The sheer Read more...

Lecturer Busily Planning Extra Work For Locked-Down Students

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

While most people are stuck at home with their schedules interrupted, one Uni lecturer is not letting lockdown stop his plans for the year. If anything, he’s planning to make it busier than ever before, with a flood of new assignments, projects and unit tests. Physiology lecturer Dr Mas Read more...