Archive

CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl

Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...

Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties

Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...

Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster

Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...

That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...

Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed

Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 14

Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Midori

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad

Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 13

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...

Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 13

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.     Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack

Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight

Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...

Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour

Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...

Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers

Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...

Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes

Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...

Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings

Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 12

Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’.     They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long.     It has Read more...