Archive

Kiwi Lager

Posted 2:46pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Chug Norris

In an attempt to reintroduce another salt of the earth NZ brew, DB have re-released Kiwi Lagers. Kiwi Lagers are so incredibly average and so unjustifiably expensive that the only people drinking this will be the 40-year-olds that drank this beer when they still had hopes and dreams of doing Read more...

Skuxx Food | Hoisin Tofu and Vermicelli Noodle Salad

Posted 2:45pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A recipe for the vegans and veggies out there – if you don’t like tofu, simply swap out for a meat of your choice.  Serves 4 Ingredients:  100 grams vermicelli noodles  2 carrots, shredded  1 cucumber, thinly sliced ¼ red cabbage, thinly Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:42pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, it is my pleasure to say that we have an image supplied Shar. This means it is finally in the magazine, which means we’ve finally gotten it. We got last issue’s submission correct: Daniel was at Mr Tuck Kee’s Curry Puff stand, in Pudu, Kuala Lumpur.  First Read more...

OUSA Student Executive Creates New Crypto Bro Position on Executive

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA Finance and Strategy Officer Emily has been crunching the numbers on how to survive the next fiscal year, and came to the conclusion that they are in trouble. In order to combat this, she is introducing the Crypto Executive Position, which starts in two weeks. The new position is already being Read more...

“Free Thinker” Millennial Wonders Who Really Built the Pyramid Scheme She Joined

Posted 2:11pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

“Look, I don’t want the liberal PC media woke brigade to cancel me,” said Ms A. Von to Critic Tribune, “but if you take a closer look at the culture behind, y’know, pyramid schemes, something doesn’t add up,” she concluded, with all the authority of someone Read more...

Conspiracy Theory Pinboards Behind Newfound Love of Fibre Art

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local man Hugh Anon, a voracious Facebook disinformer, has discovered a use for pins and yarn that doesn’t involve being homophobic or antisemitic. “It all started last year when lockdown took away my free speech,” Hugh told the Tribune, “so I took to social media to speak Read more...

Predator Free Dunedin didn’t catch a Single Paedophile Last Year

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

The whole concept of one-trap-fits-all for paedophiles hasn’t been super effective. Despite PFD’s best efforts, not a single sexual predator was caught by their automated traps, presumably because the traps are rat-sized. A local predator said, “The council is generalising us which Read more...

Editorial Conspiratorial: How I Caused 9/11

Posted 1:29pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Fox Meyer

When I was two, we lived in Florida. Yeah, I know, woe is me. My parents, as you can tell from my mum’s choice of footwear, were total hippies. And in 2000, they were big fans of Ralph Nader, the American Green Party candidate for president.  I don’t know how much you know about Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

Posted 3:01pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

There’s a big willow tree on the corner of Anzac and Hanover, sorta by the train station. I’ve had sex in it. It’s the third tree I’ve had sex in but it was certainly the best. I’d been seeing this girl for a while, going to parties together and usually ended up Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 8

Posted 3:00pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Start living by ACC: always choosing content.  DIY activity: home grown weed.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If there is one thing you need, it’s a break. Stop putting so much time and emotional labour into things that no longer serve Read more...

KGB ‘Tropical’

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Chug Norris

Have you become sick and tired of drinking the same toxic lolly water that you’ve been drinking for the past year? Is your current drink not giving you type II diabetes quickly enough? Are you ready to branch out and try something new? Well, buddy, you’re in luck! KGB have just released Read more...

Skuxx Food | Butternut Hummus

Posted 2:54pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Have recent food prices been getting you down? Have you recently realised that your fav hummus, which you can easily demolish in a sitting, has now hit $5 on New World’s shelves? Here’s how to make a very skuxx homemade hummus that will give you way more bang for your Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Daniel. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to some errant paint: Itsukushima Shrine, Hiroshima, Japan.  First Thoughts: Looks like Indonesia, based on the street carts and brands, but could also definitely be Malaysia. Will be tough to Read more...

Editorial: What’s so Good about Good Friday?

Posted 12:24am Saturday 23rd April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Good Friday is the most confusing day of the year. First of all, there’s the name: if I was murdered, resurrected, and then deified, and I came back 2,000 years later to see people celebrating my sacrifice, I’d be stoked. I’d be like “Oh that’s mean, so glad Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

Posted 1:17pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

It was a beautiful Saturday evening in an unspecified location outside of Dunedin. I have been sinking a few too many drinks when all of a sudden I have to get up to yak. Here’s the thing about me… every time I yak I piss myself. So, here I am, yak successful but now I have stained my Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 7

Posted 1:16pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is for everybody going through tough times, believe me, been there done that, but everyday above ground is a great day, remember that.  Task to do: wash your sheets.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The bigger they are, the harder they fall. This Read more...

19 Crimes Pinot Noir

Posted 2:37pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Thomas Delaney

From the brand that brought you the Snoop Dogg merlot, 19 Crimes is back with a penal-themed pinot noir that is more sinkable than the ships that carried their criminal crew to Australia. Coming in at about $20, 19 Crimes hits a solid ratio of about a dollar per crime. Not too shabby, and for a red Read more...

Skuxx Food | Italian (or Greek, or NYC) style meatballs:

Posted 2:34pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Here’s how to make some really awesome yet simple meatballs. You can add them to any meal you like. I recommend a tomato-based pasta or, as pictured here, a Greek-style couscous salad. If you’re proper ceebs, chuck them in a bread roll and call it a NYC meatball sub. With these bad boys, Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:31pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Elliot. We got last week’s submission correct, though it nearly killed us: Shimla, India, from the parking lot of Christ Church. First thoughts: Definitely looks Japanese. I wonder if this is Himeji Castle. We’ll see. Not Himeji Castle, so Read more...

GHOTI

Posted 1:23am Saturday 9th April 2022 by Fox Meyer

If you’re trying to learn English, good fuckin’ luck, because “GHOTI” is pronounced “fish” (touGH, wOmen, acTIon).  English is a bizarre and wonderful language, and I am so, so glad that I was born into it rather than having to learn it as an adult. Of all Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 6

Posted 6:57pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to fill your life with more wholesome hobbies to ward off the feelings of depression and loneliness. Try going to the farmers market, or knitting, or writing a book about how fucked everything is.  Dunedin sight to see: Cargill’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

Posted 6:53pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

I hadn’t had a root since the world’s greatest heartbreak hit me a year earlier. I was ready. It was my time of the month, I was wearing my lucky dress and my favourite Crocs. My way of flirting with everyone and anyone was to insist that after every nang, you smooch the person next to Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:50pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we have an image provided by Kirsty. We got last week’s entry correct, the photo from Mr. Abel was indeed taken from the cafe at Griffith Observatory in Los Read more...

Hardy’s 1L (all of it, it’s all the same)

Posted 6:45pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Chug Norris

Hardy’s is perhaps the most widely consumed wine in Dunedin. Not a BYO goes by where a bottle does not appear. The iconic one litre bottle towers over the laughably dainty 750 mL bottles on the table. But Hardy’s is also special in another respect: it is utterly shit. It is a symbol of Read more...

Skuxx Food | Rocket Pesto

Posted 6:41pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is my go-to pesto recipe as it makes HEAPS and is cheaper than making a traditional homemade pesto (which is made from fresh basil and pine nuts). Top tip: add this to some cooked pasta and your flatties will go wild. Check out @skuxxfood on Instagram for some pesto-pasta inspo.  Makes Read more...

Call Me By Your (Latin/Indigenous/English) Name

Posted 5:37pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Human brains are not designed to sit at a desk and memorise content for hours on end, they’re built to remember stories. When we stop thinking in terms of stories, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. This is especially poignant in the grown-up sciences, which have traditionally felt Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell

Posted 6:24pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Now, I’ve got a lot of issues, and chronic sinus problems is one of them. Usually, in my day-to-day life, my chronic sinus pain and blockage doesn’t bother me apart from the odd sniffle or headache. But in my sex life, well, that’s a different story.  Let me set the scene. Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 5

Posted 6:22pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You need sleep, tequila, and the ability to learn what quiet hours are.  Breakfast to have: Greek yoghurt bowl.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Pisces women are like Taylor Swift. Every time a man wrongs you, you just get hotter and more famous. Read more...

Fizzliss Cranberry & Apple Vodka

Posted 6:17pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Chug Norris

I was going to review Fizzliss’ new Pineapple and Passionfruit flavour but it had sold out in every store in Dunedin, so it must be good. Instead I acquired the formerly infamous Cranberry flavour to see if it still maintained its laxative properties. It did not. But it does taste way Read more...

Skuxx Food | Spicy Chorizo Pasta

Posted 6:15pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Use this recipe as a base for any tomato ragù-based pasta dish! Simply swap out the chorizo and mushrooms for any other meat and vegetables of your choice. Get creative, stay skuxx.  Serves 6  Ingredients:  600 grams of short pasta (I used rigatoni, but penne or Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:10pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we had an image supplied by a Mr. Abel. Let’s see if we can figure out exactly where it was taken. First Thoughts: Alright, I think this is somewhere in the US or Read more...

Cheeky Cheater Cheats Cheap Cheaters

Posted 5:37pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Sometimes failure can lead people to their true calling, as recently discovered by an entrepreneur who lost her passion for first year Health Sci after one failed progress test. Now pursuing a Business degree, Critic became aware of Annie after several tearful complaints from Auckland HSFY students Read more...

Discussion-Dominating Student Dismisses Claims of Disruption

Posted 5:36pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Critic Te Arohi had a chat with Danny, a third year student who, according to the Geography department, takes up 60% of discussion time in tutorials.  “I mean, I don’t really do the readings but I just kinda catch the vibe,” he told Critic through hoons that he blew in our Read more...

Bush-bound Bandit Bamboozled by Bureaucracy

Posted 5:35pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Jamie O’Mannin, 31, was recently arrested after spending the last 12 years living on the West Coast, subsisting off of freeze-dried meals stolen from trampers spending the night in DoC huts. He had overstayed his visa by 11 years. Jamie was arrested last week, when he was caught in Mt. Read more...

Beezies Bewildered by Bad Beverage Breakouts

Posted 5:34pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local girls have recently been shocked to discover that their ultra-healthy, sugar-free RTDs have horrible side effects. Critic Te Arohi spoke to Samantha who bemoaned, “I can’t believe it. My collagen boosting drink with notes of aloe vera and angel piss gave me a pimple the next Read more...

Satellites are Scary

Posted 5:05pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The United States has this plane called the Dragon Lady. The U-2, like the band. It’s a spyplane, originally from the Cold War era. There’s a camera on the bottom of this thing, a big glass ball that sticks out. From the stratosphere, it can tell if you’re holding a can of Coke or Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Cocktower Confession

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Once upon a time, in a place not too far away, your girl did something a lil’ bit nasty on Uni grounds. I had been going to some university events which I shall not name, in the sake of protecting my identity and, well, my ego. While I was there, I met a pretty cute boy whom I shall call Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 4

Posted 3:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Sup baby, take me out to dinner.  Drug to try: The humble weed brownie.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Not everything is a metaphor. Stop reading into every single miniscule detail of your life. It’s just not that fucking deep.  Drug to Read more...

Booze Reviews | Jameson Irish Whiskey

Posted 3:07pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Chug Norris

This St Paddy’s day I was on a diet, so I bought a bottle of Jameson whiskey instead of beer. Instead of standing around in near darkness and hating our lives, a group of us decided to go for an expedition to the reservoir for a change in scenery. I did not want to be lugging around a glass Read more...

Skuxx Food | Chicken burgers

Posted 3:05pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Chicken burgers with grilled pineapple, avo and caramelised onions It took a lengthy discussion between myself and 5 of my flatmates to work out how to explain what butterflying a chicken breast actually entails. I hope you learn something from those 10 minutes we’ll never get Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL: Concerta Tales

Posted 1:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Mary Jane

I wake up. The radio station in my head is already blaring. Too many glockies. Too many fucking glockieeees! This song has been in my head for the last 36 hours.  Oh shit, I’m hungover. I’m anxious. The podcasters who run my internal monologue are arguing again. You’ve got Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | How I Caught an S-T-Daddy

Posted 1:42pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

After spending 4 months in one of New Zealand’s shittest small towns, sleeping in a single bed, and spending all my time with my parents and the one friend I still talk to from high school, I was horny and ready to get back out into Dunedin.  It was my first night back and I was alone Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 3

Posted 1:38pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, why be so hard on yourself? Life is far too short to continue to criticise yourself. Be young, be free.  End of iso activity: exposing your deepest and darkest secrets to people whilst drunk.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I get it, you Read more...

Booze Reviews | Carlsberg Elephant Extra Strong

Posted 1:33pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Picture this: your fuck-up of a flatmate got Covid so now you have to isolate with two people you can barely stand for at least 10 days with no chance of distraction or escape. What do you do? How do you get along with flatmates that you hate? The answer, I found, was to drink 10.5% Elephant Read more...

Skuxx Food | Fish Tacos with Crunchy Asian Slaw

Posted 1:27pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is the ideal student meal if you’re using frozen fish, but also one to blow your flatmates away with a boujee fresh fish option. Choose your fighter.  Enough for six people to have two tacos each Ingredients For tacos:  6-8 frozen crumbed fish fillets; or 6-8 fresh Read more...

We Need to Re-Think Toilets

Posted 4:54pm Saturday 12th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The porcelain throne, like any monarchy, is outdated. It’s an invention that was brought into the mainstream in a time of unprecedented wealth and prosperity. It was a groundbreaking innovation, one that brought sanitation into the homes of millions. But we can do better. Every time you Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Hungry like the Wolf

Posted 5:31pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

So this one’s a bit of a doozy. I was coming out of a long relationship and looking to get back out there. I had this sort of mutual friend, and I could tell for a while that there were some definite vibes kicking off between us, so one night, on the couch I was squatting on, we got down to Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 2

Posted 5:28pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Keep developing that character and nicotine addiction, bestie!  Iso activity: becoming TikTok famous   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Sure, being funny is cool and all but so is addressing your deep rooted trauma. Maybe it’s time to check in with Read more...

Booze Reviews | Ranfurly Draught

Posted 5:20pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Long ago, in a simpler time, a time of carefree binge drinking uninterrupted by lockdowns, there existed the greatest beers ever to be brewed: Southern Golds. They were a humble beverage, with a quiet but confident air that reassured you as you grasped their beautiful golden exterior that, in the Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Chinese-inspired Chicken Noodle Soup

Posted 5:11pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

If you’re like half of North Dunedin, you may have been hit by the big C this past week. Whether that is Covid or Chlamydia, this Chinese-inspired chicken noodle soup is sure to bring you back to full health in no time.    Serves 6-8 hungry people! (Probably with leftovers to Read more...