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ODT Watch | Issue 23

Posted 1:03am Friday 13th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Let’s start this week with a classic ol’ ODT pun   Yeah it’s about a toilet that’s doing well. How did you guess?   Then ODT hit us hard with the facts     We move on to my favourite section of the ODT, the “Ask a Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 23

Posted 12:36am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Jupiter position in relation to Mercury means if they have a Hilux, run. This week’s repressed memory: James Charles’ leaked nudes.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have pre-marital sex this week and you are going straight to hell, except if you Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Chad and Avril

Posted 12:31am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Chad It was a cold night in Breatherville when I applied to do Read more...

Top 10 Reasons to Listen to Radio One 91FM by Radio One 91FM Staff

Posted 12:05am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

We play good music We give away free stuff There's a cool dog called Charlie We have better scoops than Rob Roy Your mates probably host a show and you’ve been lying about listening for too long. Tom Tremewan and Henessey Griffiths work there, and they definitely didn’t Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Virtual Vikings and Vixens

Posted 12:04am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     This one’s a different one than usual but hear me out. This happened sometime 2016-2017, where a young fresh eyed undergrad me in his time not Read more...

Teenager in Polo Cap and Oversized Vintage Tee to Headline Laneway 2020

Posted 11:51pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Laneway’s recent 2020 line up announcement has declared local Auckland talent, Josh Smith (not that Josh Smith) as headliner for this year’s event. A so-called ‘man of the people’ Josh looks forward to playing Mac DeMarco’s Spotify radio algorithm from his decks while Read more...

Wearing Speed Dealer Glasses at Drinking Events Scientifically Proven As a Great Personality Replacement

Posted 11:50pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a recent study undertaken by the University of Otago Psychology Department, participants with a profound lack of personality were found to be liked more by others when wearing quirky shades. This finding was not to the surprise of students interviewed, with one student saying, “that kient Read more...

Lecturer Wasted on Holiday in Queenstown Freezes in Fear Upon Seeing Students

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Microbiology lecturer, Sarah Doctorindahouse, was minding her own business getting completely written off on holiday when she spied some of her students peering over at her in the club. "I just wanted to get fucked up on MDMA on a well-deserved break, but now these cunts are going to be Read more...

Local Student Gives One of Dunedin’s Walking Tracks a Go, Cures Depression

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

George West, Law and Philosophy student, had tried everything to cure his seasonal depression. He just thought that he was pushing through it when James Heath announced that he was not running for 2020 OUSA president, making him hit an all time low. “I just didn’t know how to snap out of Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Bell's Scotch

Posted 11:41pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Bell’s Scotch is an alcohol that should have died with the dinosaurs; the meteorite was close, but not close enough. Scotch is also, coincidentally, the postgrad drink of choice. Perhaps they’ve had so many bad nights with vodka, gin and rum that after a few years of drinking this is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 22

Posted 10:17pm Sunday 8th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  University of Otago Marine Biology postgraduates have reportedly been working on a classified project involving local seal populations. Seems seals struggle to save sufficient serotonin to cite circumspection.       After weeks of lying to himself about Read more...

Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street

Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...

Clocktower Goblin Made Redundant as University Updates to Automated Bells

Posted 11:47pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago University’s resident hunchback finds himself newly unemployed as the proctor installs an automated striking clock system, rendering Bogdan Bogusław’s hourly bell ringing obsolete. For the last 89 years, Bogdan has faithfully squatted behind the clock face, pulling the Read more...

Local Goth Pleased to Find They’re Accidentally Supporting Thursdays in Black

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Let me get this straight,” said Dunedin goth Jonathan “Blood Dread” Brown. “All I’ve got to do to show my support for survivors of sexual violence is to wear black one day a week? I’ve been wearing black every day since I was 13 and heard Green Day for the Read more...

Study: Flatmate’s Dishes Date Back to the Neolithic Era

Posted 11:45pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In groundbreaking new research, local Archaeology student Penny Tration has successfully dated her flatmate's dishes back to the early Neolithic. “By observing the remains of homo flatematus we can learn valuable things about their habits and lifestyle. For example, prior to this study Read more...

Top 10 Māori Songs You WIll 238% Hear At Māori Parties

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Whakatō te Kākano – Mauri Ka Mānu – Bella Kalolo, Maisey Rika, Majic, Ria Hall, Rob Ruha, Seth Haapu, Troy Kingi, The Witch Dr. Whangai Aroha (DWFI – Māori) – Tomorrow People Whakahonohono Mai – 1814 He Rangi Ataahua – Te Reotakiwa Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The British Brunette in Bali

Posted 11:05pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     On the way home from one of my frequent trips to Indonesia, my friends were travelling on to a different country and I had about 8 hours to kill between Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 22

Posted 10:57pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Don’t forget to wash your bits. This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark

Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

I’m not sure if making a non-sweet RTD is an incredible idea, doomed to fail or both. Great White Sharks tastes like liquidised celery, which is not something I ever particularly wanted to try, but then again I’ve sucked your dad’s dick. Guess which one is more sticky when it pours Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Sharon and Ozzy

Posted 10:33pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Sharon Running late from dying my hair blue and my hands looking Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 21

Posted 5:26pm Sunday 1st September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT had a series of ethical dilemmas. First, the age old question: And then an enigma for the modern age,   Always go potatoes. Property is nothing but trouble.   The ODT have a brave new marketing strategy… The ODT are notorious for being Read more...

Some Old Guy in Lecture Theatre Won’t Stop Mansplaining

Posted 11:02pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Look at him, standing at the front of the class, mansplaining about physics from a PowerPoint slide. What a twat. Calls himself a “professor” or “doctor” or “lecturer” or something, like I’d give gosh darn hookin-dooky. He’s going on about something Read more...

Lad Wearing Shorts in Winter; a Harrowing Statement about Climate Change

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

William Maverick of Leith Street isn’t just wearing booty shorts in winter to show off those toned, sinewy, powerful, sexy rugby-player calves. He doesn’t need to prove himself as a man by eschewing trousers, nor is he swayed by the ridicule and emasculation of his flatties (ha ha Read more...

Finally, a Safe Space for the Straight’s

Posted 10:59pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The Dunedin heterosexual community rejoices as last week the “e” on the Alley Cantina sign fell off, rendering the establishment an exclusive venue where the Straights in SLGBT+ can live their truth. “It’s great having a place just for us,” said one staunchly male Read more...

Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year

Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...

Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room

Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 21

Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic

Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...

Top 10 Most Kissable Animals

Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...

Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...

Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...

Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends

Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...

Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 20

Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 20

Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions   Yes.   Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 19

Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous.   The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...

Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”

Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...

Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...

Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...

Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison

Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...

Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital

Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone

Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 19

Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...


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