Archive

Let Young People Celebrate, Even If the World Is Ending

Posted 3:38pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Jamie Mactaggart

If you’ve been online in the past week you would have seen two things. First, this Covid-19 shit is hitting the fan and second, the old people are angry at students again. They are angry because while they were buying all the fucking toilet paper, students were focused on how there is always Read more...

Booze Reviews | Quarantini Selection

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Critic

Cold and Flu Supplements to Mix with Your Leftover St Paddy’s Day Whisky and a little bit of Redbull I thought that cocktail - ‘Quarrantini’ – that was making its way around social media was fucking revolutionary. I decided to test out other cold and flu supplements that Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Focaccia

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Not to be corny, but making bread is an activity that has brought me unrivalled joy throughout my life. A handful of ingredients and a few hours will yield a delicious loaf to share and fill and entire house with the cosiest, most comforting smell.  This focaccia recipe is really, actually, Read more...

Vape Review | A.N.Z.A.A.C

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Believe it or not, I am somewhat of a patriot. At least when it comes to biscuits. I have tried multiple Anzac flavoured vape juices, and I can honestly say that none have come as close to what Vapourium offers. I think this one has done our fallen soldiers proud, boys. Before you go out and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 5

Posted 6:20pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Last summer, I did what any bored and horny gal does and tried to get validation from random Tinder guys. I swiped on a dude who seemed pretty cute, but a bit of a shit cunt - just my type. We talked for a bit and then decided to go out for a cheeky afternoon drink. After a few too many beers and Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 5

Posted 6:19pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles. Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Water Read more...

Just the Tip | Issue 5

Posted 5:55pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Want to deal with a dick flatmate, problems with your studies, or want tips on how to woo your latest Tinder match? Your anonymous concerns will be addressed by a panel of Critic's life coaches. The Virgin Sappho, 2nd Year I. Need. A gf. I’ve tried several dating apps, I’ve Read more...

Editorial: R.I.P. Blind Date

Posted 9:50am Monday 16th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

From this week onward, there will be no more Critic Blind Date. I know. You’re all going to be fucking gutted. In a way, so am I – no editor relishes cutting institutions from the magazine. But this had to be done. Critic cannot 100 percent guarantee your safety on the blind date, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Dirty Double Brown & Sunshine

Posted 12:42pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

St Patrick’s day is upon us. It would be rude not to give you some relevant cocktails for a filthy Tuesday on the piss. Dirty Double Brown -       30ml whiskey -       15mls Read more...

Vape Review

Posted 12:39pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by Nicki O'Teen

If you want an inoffensive vaping experience, then the Ice Cucumber is the flavour for you. It literally just tastes like cool air with a sweet afterbirth. Ice Cucumber is only 2.5% strength, so it doesn’t leave you with the pairing of burning lungs and self-deprecating thoughts. This flavour Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 4

Posted 6:43pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

I don’t know what the place is called, but if you walk up that fuck off hill from Arana – up past the cemetery and to the top of where the botans begin/ends – there is this field. I drive past it all the time to get to the supermarket without having to deal with all the traffic on Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 4

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day. What you smell like this week: Desperation.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your last Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Avo and Chicken Rice Balls

Posted 6:35pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Recently we resolved that we would become much better people and start bringing a packed lunch to Uni. Where better to start than rice balls, the food so many students already consume with unrestrained financial passion? Since they are now a devastating $4.70 at St. Dave’s, it seemed there was Read more...

EDITORIAL: Report Your Shit Cunt Landlord

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 8th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

Most landlords that Critic come across are shit cunts (SCLs for short). SCLs believe that students should be grateful to be housed at all, and that rotting properties are ok because students will trash the place anyway. SCLs think that providing a roof is enough, and that adequate housing quality is Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

 For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 3

Posted 12:46pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

Dr Lauren Carwell* was the sexiest lecturer I had ever seen. She was maybe 28ish with a nice body and sexy eyes. The fact that she was in a position of power added an even hotter appeal, and I never missed a class for this reason. Although I was at uni, I felt like a stupid young schoolboy with a Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week you will be kink shamed. Probably by me. This week’s lube flavour: Yeast   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Hmm something smells fishy. Vagisil, anyone? This week’s lube flavour: Birthday cake   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Issue 3

Posted 5:48pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Critic Booze Review: Odd Company’s The Cheeky One If you haven’t been to Leith Liquor in the past week or so, you’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this drink? Let me enlighten you. Sick of Long Whites being the only alcohol I can manage to stomach after years of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Him and Her

Posted 4:27pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

HIM: I was pretty skeptical about how the whole thing was going to go down. Then my date arrived. Fuck me, Critic really pulled through on this one. We headed off to the peace gardens (that place where you can get free salad beside OUSA), for some drinks and a vape. When my date proceeded to Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Weed

Posted 2:01am Friday 28th February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

I had planned to review an actual booze, but the day I sat down to do it, my dealer texted: he was in. A Dunedin without fellow students had turned me lazy, but for both Flo and O Week I had missed out on the hundie bag deals. I couldn’t do three weeks in a row. After a quick trip to the Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck

Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...

Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It

Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill

Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too.  This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta

Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda

Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan

Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

HARRY   Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1

Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 1

Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...

Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map

Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy

Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

111, one drug pls!!!   Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation.     Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...

Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...

Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...

Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...

Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard

Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 26

Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Oh no, not the eels!   Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving.   The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets.   Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 25

Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Spicy

Posted 10:20pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     When I was at Arana the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. Read more...

American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown

Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...

Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen

Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...

Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’

Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes

Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...

2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum

Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’. Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex.   Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...


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