Archive

Local Adrenaline Junkie Lets Fingers Get Dangerously Close to Carrot Grater

Posted 5:33pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Her blood banged in her ears louder than a lecturer testing their microphone, sweat flooded her pores, her mind was alive with the electric-quick rush of danger. Another grate, pushing her right to the edge, that delicious line between life and death.  This is what she lives for. This is the Read more...

Dunedin’s Entire Allocation of Lime Scooters Already Submerged in Leith River

Posted 5:32pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After the shock announcement that Lime scooters would return to Dunedin streets on Thursday morning, the Tribune arrived at the Leith in time to see two strange men standing outside a white Toyota Hiace with blacked out windows. One by one, they threw their cargo of Limes over the fence and into the Read more...

The Week the ODT Learned an Important Lesson About the Effectiveness of Coitus Interruptus

Posted 9:27pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Having barely got to grips with the internal combustion engine, perhaps it was a bit much to expect the ODT to seamlessly handle the transition into a more citrusy zeitgeist:      Then again, I don’t read the ODT for their bleeding edge journalism. If I want Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions : Summer Spree

Posted 8:08pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

You could say I’m a bit tame. With no outrageously raunchy O-Week tales from first or second year and not a lot of action throughout either, you could consider me an underdog in the game of love. I’m an independent woman who don’t need no man, a busy gal and I have better things to Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook : Fennel and Beetroot Salad

Posted 8:05pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Gordon Oliver

It’s round one of flat cooking and you’re stepping up to the plate, literally. What are you gonna cook for your new flatmates? Your culinary reputation is at stake. How about some pasta with a tomato sauce? Congratulations, you’ve just made the culinary equivalent of a black and Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews : Rekorderlig Cider

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ah. Rekorderlig cider. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Thou art like a juicy medieval farm girl with overflowing cleavage and a father who is away at war. She may not have basic hygiene, but the sweat and sweet juices of the day’s labours Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Jordan Peterson and Jacinda Ardern

Posted 8:01pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Jordan Peterson I entered the crowded restaurant red faced, Read more...

Education Officer Does Not Value Own Education

Posted 7:57pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Scarfie Archivist

It’s three days into the semester and OUSA Education Officer Will Dreyer has already skipped a class.  Dreyer ran on podcasting lectures, and was obviously confident that his policy was already in place. Little did he know that his 500 level paper consisting of 12 people did not, in Read more...

Student Unsure How Old University Is

Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...

Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!

Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...

Fresher Exerts Social Capital by Wearing High School Leavers Jersey Around the Hall

Posted 7:52pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“How else will people know what my nickname is?” questioned Jared, as he headed over to the dining hall. Paired nicely with a tattered super-pass wristband, Jared knew he was being the biggest skuxx in his Auckland Grammar leavers jersey.  Much to Jared’s confusion, two Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Get in Your Lecturer’s Good Books

Posted 7:49pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

1. Argue with them at every opportunity to show that you are a critical thinker and have moxy. 2. Straight up have an affair with them.  3. Claim to be a relative of their immediate higher-up and demand respect for it. 4. Lurk after class and talk to them all the way back to their Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions: Issue 01

Posted 9:59pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I went to Melbourne over the uni break, to get some chill sunny time and serious partying with my cousin Sarah*, because I worked my ass off last year, Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Samosas

Posted 8:48pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Now that the pack of Mi Goreng you bought at the start of O-Week has run out it’s time to think about other meal options. Samosas are a surprisingly affordable option, using cheap ingredients and adding flavour with spices. They make a great dinner, lunch, snack, breakfast or anytime food. Read more...

Critic Blind Date: Here for O-Week, Here for an O

Posted 8:39pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic

Here for O-Week I’m doing heath sci this year so I knew that this was going to be my only week off before I had to knuckle down. I also knew that this was probably the only week I had a real shot at getting laid. The castle street parties were cool but I didn’t know how to get from Read more...

Critic Booze Review: Bombay Sapphire

Posted 8:09pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

When you think of racist old white people, you tend to think of gin. Bombay Sapphire is basically plucked out of Queen Victoria’s wet dream. Wes Anderson would fuck this and call it art.  Gin and tonics were invented for a reason: gin is fucking terrible on its own. The first sip was Read more...

Rheineck Lager Is A Goddamn Scam

Posted 3:18pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Here's the thing about Rheineck: Every week I stroll past the beer section and see an enticing $14.99 for a 12 pack. ‘Gee, what a great deal’ I think to myself. I’m ashamed to admit the number of times I’ve picked up a box and taken it home, only to realise my Read more...

Famous Grouse Is Pure Fucking Gasoline

Posted 3:15pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Famous Grouse fucking hurts. It burns with the fury of a thousand young Nats after Winston went with the red team.  It’s a vile liquid that could only come from the sort of country that takes pride in eating haggis, playing the bagpipes and throwing big fuck off logs as far as Read more...

Woodstock Is the Biggest Bitch Drink in New Zealand

Posted 11:30am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Woodstock a sickly sweet syrupy concoction with a harsh aftertaste that I swear can’t be real bourbon. There’s almost as much sugar in a 12 pack of Woodstock 5% as in four litres of Talleys Ice Cream. There’s more sugar per can in these than in Vodka Cruisers, meaning Woodstock Read more...

People Who Willingly Drink Bavaria 8.6 Are Psychopaths

Posted 11:19am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

The Bavaria 8.6er is beer flavoured paint stripper in a convenient 440ml can. I'm 86% sure I once saw Bear Grylls use this to start a fire on Man vs Wild. The fiery lick of this "beer" hurts more than the idea of a left wing government hurts Mike Hoskings feelings. I’d rather Read more...