Archive

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

There are two options: 1. Don’t  1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...

Pesto and Broccoli Pasta

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you.  1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...

Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable

Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard.  I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy

Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This has been a difficult week for the ODT.     They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off   Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks.     It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard

Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...

Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta

Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...

Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy

Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...

Love is Blind | Miri and Zach

Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...

The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up

Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves.     Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind.    A gem from the Regions section.     “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...

How To Scramble Eggs

Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...

Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Cream Liqueur Is A Sexy, Sweet & Succulent Treat

Posted 4:49pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Booze and milky fluids don’t typically go together at the same time – rather, they’re typically separated by a few hours when you’re deep-throating your flatmate’s cousin in the backseat of his Nissan Sentra. Creamy, chocolaty, and a smooth 17%, Lewis Road Creamery Read more...

Love is Blind | Ritchie and Gemma

Posted 4:32pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Ritchie  Self-respect, confidence, and the Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?

Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics.  The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look Read more...

The Week the ODT Wasn’t Angry, Just Disappointed

Posted 8:16pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

The ODT have been feeling a bit down this week.   Are you ok ODT?   Later, Deputy Editor Paul “Barry” Gorman was upset after asking for people to send in their embarrassing stories.    I don’t know what Barry’s doing with the Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | What The Hell Has Happened To Me?

Posted 6:59pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Holy fuck. Adam Sandler has a music career. Adam Sandler has released five different comedy albums. Who the fuck is this man.     Hey guys, Henthony Griffano here, the Critic’s busiest Adam Sandler nerd. Now I’ll be honest, I forgot to watch a film this Read more...

Little Fat Lamb Ginger Beer Tastes Like A Bitch Slap From Hell

Posted 6:57pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Little Fat Lamb has personally victimised more residents of North Dunedin than the cold, Health Science, and a drunk Caitlin Barlow-Groome combined. I opted for the classic ginger beer, a sour, vinegary-sweet concoction that would probably taste better if it still had a dead snail in it (shoutout Read more...

Love Is Blind | Cindy and Clarkie

Posted 6:54pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Cindy Mentally prepared to spend a few hours getting Read more...

The Week the ODT Told a Lie About South Dunedin

Posted 4:00pm Friday 27th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Sometimes readers expect too much of the ODT, so they’ve started adding warning labels.        And just in case that didn’t get through, they repeated it on the next page.        The ODT have been taking more than the usual Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

I think after the highs that were The Wedding Singer and Billy Maddison, I was feeling too optimistic about Adam Sandler’s talents as a cultural icon. But now we’re plummeting back down to ground level, for a film that I don’t even know how to describe – You Don’t Mess Read more...