Archive

Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate

Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 07

Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you. This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stars are looking good for Read more...

How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?

Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders.   Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore

Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 06

Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 06

Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!!     The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to:     Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o6

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic

Strap on your motherfuckin dildos because do we have a story for you. Back-track to Flo-week, my mate and I were ready to lower our standards and fuck anyone in a Patagonia shirt. Luckily for us, a group of our mates brought down a Patagonia poster boy for the week and you’ve never seen two Read more...

How to Be a Less Shit Cook | The Ultimate Toast Time Toasted Sandwich

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Toast time is a sacred ritual, a time-honoured tradition dedicated to wasting time while you pretend you’re looking at those CHEM191 notes. 150 years ago when Otago University was founded, the dark wizard Salazar Selwyn concocted the ULTIMATE toast time toasted sandwich. Fearing the power Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc

Posted 9:18pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Whilst you fuckers are losing your shit over NZ Bird of the Year, the real bird of the year was here all along, tucked nimbly in the aisles of your common supermarket. Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc is a weapon, an icon, a twinkle in your father’s eye. Do you have commitment issues? Are you a Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona

Posted 9:13pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Steve Turning up to a restaurant which I didn't even know Read more...

Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...

Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...

Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails

Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...

Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond

Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 05

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Look After Your Friends

Posted 10:09pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

1. Know their favourite food, where to get it and be able to get it ASAP, for if you sense they aren’t feeling all that happy. 2. Get to know their parents or a sibling, if possible. Even if you just meet them once. At uni, there is usually a divide between our friends and our family Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Romeo and Juliet

Posted 10:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Romeo I was pretty excited, to tell the truth. Why? I’ve never Read more...