Archive

Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale

Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick

Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit

Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents

Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic

1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...

Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...

Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...

Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”

Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues.      “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...

Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 11

Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic

Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious.   Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...

Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...

Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...

Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...

English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...

Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle

Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off

Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 11

Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu

Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen

Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101

Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 10

Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT brings us some wisdom:         A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way.   The balance of the universe is Read more...