Archive

First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...

Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing

Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie

Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...

ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis

Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia     2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed.     3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...

Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...

Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish

Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway

Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 16

Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...

Booze Reviews: Bacardi White Rum

Posted 4:52pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Fuck me, but Bacardi White Rum can get it. It being my glazed doughnut genitalia, of course. This smooth, succulent motherfucker of a drink is more jam packed with accents of vanilla and almond than you can shake a baby at. It’s flavour-town, my dudes, and we’re going straight to the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Issue 16

Posted 2:11am Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Part One: His Superdry shirt made me Superwet, so our entree was a Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 15

Posted 12:36am Friday 12th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week someone let the ODT read the thesaurus again…     Then a sage warning about an upcoming crisis:     We should all be mindful of World Juggling Day, specifically mindful of how to end this pagan sacrilege once and for all.   We Read more...

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider

Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 15

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...

Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...