Archive

Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...

Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...

Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...

Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard

Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 26

Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Oh no, not the eels!   Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving.   The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets.   Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 25

Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Spicy

Posted 10:20pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     When I was at Arana the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. Read more...

American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown

Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...

Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen

Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...

Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’

Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes

Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...

2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum

Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’. Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex.   Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...

Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week

Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...