Archive

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do You Make Bad Food Good Food?

Posted 5:37pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Tihei mauri ora, Bad food is food that you’ve left in the fridge after you cooked up an extravagant meal three months ago using useless ingredients like crème fraîche that you’ve only used a tablespoon of, which you haven’t touched since.  Bad food is food Read more...

LET’S GET SOME FUCKIN FRENCH TOAST

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

French toast is the goods as a breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/sex accessory, and let’s be honest – if you fry something in butter then drown it in maple syrup, then a) you’re probably American, and b) it’s gonna taste meeeean. Here’s a way to do French toast that is Read more...

Love is Blind | Jeff Goldblum and Ellie Sattler

Posted 5:14pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Jeff Goldblum With great penis comes great Read more...

The Week the ODT’s Opinion Section Really Outdid Itself

Posted 8:23pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on a truly marvellous occurrence.      Because of their bad behaviour, Santa normally just skips Balclutha, Milton, and Gore, stops briefly in Invercargill to give Tim Shadbolt his present, and then goes on to Stewart Island, Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups 2

Posted 6:44pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We’re coming to the end of our time here reviewing Adam Sandler films, so I decided to save the best few till last. I’ve had a lot of requests for this particular film, as it is often noted to be one of the peaks of Sandler’s filmography. This film is 104 minutes of pure bliss. Read more...

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine Is Genuinely Going To Kill Someone

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine is genuinely going to kill someone. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna fucking die. It’s absurdly cheap, at $8.99 for a bottle with 6.9 standards – pretty much as good as you can get in the world of Read more...

Love is Blind | Campus and Watch

Posted 6:38pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Campus The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Kell, How Do I Stop Procrastinating?

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Procrastination is spending time doing what you’d rather be doing. To make your procrastination more efficient, ensure you properly plan your procrastination (this is called procrasti-planning).  Procrastination is inevitable so why not make it healthy? E.g. Procrasta-run, or if you Read more...

The Week the ODT Yet Again Chose to Give a Racist a Platform

Posted 4:03pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

If you’ve ever wondered how we manage to write ODT Watch, let the ODT itself explain,     This week the ODT have tightened up on giving absolutely any clues as to an article’s contents in the headline.     [insert joke here; I’ve given Read more...

How to Make the Strongest Edibles Possible

Posted 1:59pm Friday 14th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Before actually making edibles, you have to decarboxylate, or ‘activate’ your weed by heating it; this transforms the non-psychoactive THC-A into psychoactive THC. When activating your weed you’ve got to be careful to heat it up enough so it properly activates, but also be careful Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Bedtime Stories

Posted 1:57pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Read more...

Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it.  It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...

Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle

Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?

Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill

Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly.      Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting.  To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended

Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...

Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...

Love is Blind | Laura and James

Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Laura:  I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis

We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...

The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography

Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs.     There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...