Archive

Critic Blind Date | Clarke and Jacinda

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Clarke I discussed the criteria of an ideal date with my flatmates, Read more...

Confused Freshers Go To Hyde - Central Otago

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“You going to Hyde this weekend?” “Yeah bro!” In what can only be described as a ‘wholesome fuckup’, Middlemarch native Harry Henderson (18) drove down State Highway 87 to the small Central Otago township of Hyde after hearing heaps of hype for Hyde. While Read more...

Leith River Found to Contain Traces of MDMA

Posted 8:33pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a recent study undertaken by KnowYourDrugsNZ, the Leith has been found to be 7% MDMA. Experts theorise the recent Hyde Street Keg Party is largely to blame, with an “influx of pingers” hitting Dunedin streets (and apparently the rivers). Students are gearing up for what looks to be Read more...

Man Who Wore Sombrero to Flat Party Not Actually Mexican

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“It’s true. I’m not Mexican,” revealed Jackson Whitely, while wearing a sombrero and maracas to a local, un-themed flat party. When asked what his ethnicity actually is by Tribune reporters, he responded “Cantabrian.” In an independent investigation, it was found Read more...

Conditions Worsen in Communist East Dundas

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

If you look at Dundas Street from space (and really, why else would anyone ever go into space), you’ll see a tragic sight. One side of the Dundas Wall is sparkling and joyful, with many lights burning in a homage to the glories of unbridled capitalism. On the other side, however, in Communist Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Remind your Flatmate to do their Dishes

Posted 8:30pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

1. Put a sad face on a post-it note 2. Message the group chat a friendly reminder, hehe! 3. Do it for them! Surely they'll remember next time!!!! 4. Lock the dishes in a cupboard that only you, the keeper of keys, know the combination to. They will only get access once they prove their Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 08

Posted 1:55am Friday 12th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the Otago Daily Times came to the ground-breaking discovery that and ODT Watch is sure there’s no old men at the ODT.   In other news: But still not confident enough to make the first move. Get it together, Simon. She’s waiting for Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 08

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy Read more...

Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...

Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women  and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...

Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...

Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 08

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Going from kinky sex all the time to suddenly single was quite a shock. I realised that I no longer enjoyed boring missionary one-night stands. This lead to me hooking up with a past ex who was having the same problem as me. It was a fun few sessions, but I knew I didn’t want to continue Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's

Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Mr. Darcy I had no idea what to expect. But, to build up some Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 07

Posted 3:06am Friday 5th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the Otago Daily Times set out on a good old-fashioned road trip. What could they have discovered? The solitary traffic light in Kaitangata? The shed in Milton that has a smiley face with a ballsack for a nose? The gay nightlife of Gore? Hell. I’m in Hell. At least Read more...

That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows

Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...

Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...

Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...