Archive

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider

Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 15

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...

Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...

CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl

Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...

Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties

Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...

Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster

Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...

That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...

Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed

Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 14

Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Midori

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad

Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 13

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...

Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...