Archive

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o6

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic

Strap on your motherfuckin dildos because do we have a story for you. Back-track to Flo-week, my mate and I were ready to lower our standards and fuck anyone in a Patagonia shirt. Luckily for us, a group of our mates brought down a Patagonia poster boy for the week and you’ve never seen two Read more...

How to Be a Less Shit Cook | The Ultimate Toast Time Toasted Sandwich

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Toast time is a sacred ritual, a time-honoured tradition dedicated to wasting time while you pretend you’re looking at those CHEM191 notes. 150 years ago when Otago University was founded, the dark wizard Salazar Selwyn concocted the ULTIMATE toast time toasted sandwich. Fearing the power Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc

Posted 9:18pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Whilst you fuckers are losing your shit over NZ Bird of the Year, the real bird of the year was here all along, tucked nimbly in the aisles of your common supermarket. Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc is a weapon, an icon, a twinkle in your father’s eye. Do you have commitment issues? Are you a Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona

Posted 9:13pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Steve Turning up to a restaurant which I didn't even know Read more...

Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...

Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...

Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails

Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...

Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond

Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 05

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Look After Your Friends

Posted 10:09pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

1. Know their favourite food, where to get it and be able to get it ASAP, for if you sense they aren’t feeling all that happy. 2. Get to know their parents or a sibling, if possible. Even if you just meet them once. At uni, there is usually a divide between our friends and our family Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Romeo and Juliet

Posted 10:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Romeo I was pretty excited, to tell the truth. Why? I’ve never Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o5

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

I was going through a hoe phase at the start of last year, and I’m not ashamed of it. I was swiping up a storm on tinder, matching with cuties all day long. There was one particular boy that took my eye. I remember seeing him around a lot, and I was excited that I could finally talk to him. Read more...

Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...

Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...

Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...

Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch

Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 04

Posted 8:06pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

It’s another week of ODT Watch. You know what that means:   This week the ODT perfectly captured my feelings about the ODT: Although the flourishing doesn’t seem to apply to their journalists’ bedrooms:   Surely this could have been phrased Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Your Flatmate

Posted 8:03pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic

Your hands accidentally bump while doing the dishes one night. You laugh softly and flick a bubble of dishwashing liquid at them. At night, drifting off to sleep, your heart feels oddly clean and new, as if it, too, had been washed. Slowly, and then all at once. On Tinder you come across them Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o4

Posted 6:34pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic

OK so I'm not much of a writer but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I reckon the Critic readers might get a wee buzz out of it so here goes. Last year I was in Unicol and me and my friend's friend Matt* were out on the piss after a party. We were at Macs when we met Read more...

How to Be a Less Shit Cook : Miso Aubergine on Pearl Couscous

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Of the five different tastes the tongue can detect, umami is perhaps the hardest to describe or define. It is often called the meat taste or the savoury taste, but this is kinda hard to pin down. The only concrete definition is that umami is the taste of glutamates, such as MSG. I guess in the end Read more...