Archive

Rare Covid Strain Emerges In North D: Brovid-19

Posted 3:30pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following an emergency 1pm presser this afternoon, the nation has been alerted to the emergence of a dangerous new strain of Covid. The outbreak is centered on Dunedin North, according to Minister of Finance and assistant Prime Minister Grant “Red Robbo” Robertson who told the Read more...

Booze Reviews | El Jimador Blaco

Posted 3:24pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

I bought my bottle of El Jimador Blaco on a Thursday afternoon, dreading the prospect of consuming the sheer volume of a full box of beers. While perusing the RTD section of Leith Liquor, inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning: spirits were the answer to my problem. Pleased with my Read more...

EDITORIAL: Peace out

Posted 8:41am Sunday 10th October 2021 by Erin Gourley

Welcome to the last issue. I’m writing this on the final print night of Critic Te Arohi for 2021. We’ve made 26 issues of this magazine for you over the year. That means that I get to be nostalgic in this editorial. At the start of the year, 26 issues seemed like a lot. A lot of Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:39am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Biscuit Fudge It’s getting to the time of the year when the finances are looking extremely scant, and the stress levels are high because of exams. This biscuit fudge recipe is perfect because it won’t break the bank. I find that fudge tends to be one of the best remedies for Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

Posted 12:38am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

With daylight savings creeping up, it’s time for me to reminisce on what I was doing this time last year. My lovely friend (we’ll call her Sophie) and I had decided to head to Christchurch, with hopes of pulling a pair of guys. After trying to shotgun a few too many drinks beforehand, Read more...

Waka Kotahi to Permanently Concrete over Bat Holes During George St Upgrade

Posted 12:36am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Contractors for Waka Kotahi (NZTA) have announced plans to concrete over bat roosts during the recently announced George St one-way upgrade. The announcement follows the revelation by RNZ that builder's foam was being used to fill in potential bat roosts on the route of the proposed Mt Read more...

Pens Get Ready to Run Out Mid-Exam

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A group of pens sitting in the bottom of Connor Jackson’s bag have revealed their dastardly plan to run out precisely in the middle of his LAWS101 exam. The hopeful first-year law student has no idea what his pens are scheming up for him. “I’ve been saving up for this moment all Read more...

Student Watches Cooking Video and Actually Cooks the Recipe

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

After spending most of his life aimlessly scrolling through cooking videos for entertainment, a student has made the leap to actually cooking a recipe from a video that he watched.  In an interview with the Critical Tribune the student, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that upon Read more...

Texting Scam Offers Free Booze, Catches 90% Of Student Population

Posted 12:33am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students across Dunedin were caught up in a sophisticated scam over the past week which exploited their core weakness: the ingrained need to get on the piss. The scam involved a text being sent to students prompting them to open a suspicious link. It promised a free box of booze if they download Read more...

Booze Reviews | Nitro XXX Vodka Guarana Liqueur

Posted 12:31am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Chug Norris

Nitro has always been at the forefront of binge-drinking innovation, but this time they have gone too far. Nitro Vodka Guarana Liqueur hits the shelves this week, and it is dangerous. The drink comes in a 500mL spirit bottle, contains large quantities of caffeine and guarana, and is 30% ABV. It Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:28am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Everyone knows it’s you who cheats on the pub quiz, fucking stop it. To numb the pain, try: a durry and a black coffee   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’m afraid to say you have girlbossed too close to the sun, your girlboss wings are melting, Read more...

EDITORIAL: Presenting Critic’s Plan for George Street

Posted 3:09pm Friday 1st October 2021 by Erin Gourley

The DCC made a plan for George Street and boomers had a fit about it. We want to present Critic’s plan, which should be implemented immediately to ensure maximum voter engagement at the next Local Body Elections. George Street will be renamed Geroge Street. There are trams, which are Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Girl Next Door

Posted 4:00pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Me and Jade had been neighbours for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the hinterlands of the south, we had gone to school in Gore together. Even as we got into the saddle of puberty, I had never really seen her as a potential romantic filly — I was in a stable relationship, and besides, Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 3:58pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

  September marks the month when I become unhealthily and prematurely excited about Christmas and start baking large volumes of this gingerbread. I think that a lot of people are deterred from making cakes or desserts because often several components need to be made, and chilled, etc. This Read more...

Fifth Year Makes Ground-Breaking Discovery: The Botans

Posted 3:56pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Cedar, a fifth year breather, decided to start walking to the supermarket during lockdown, because he really had “nothing better to do”. To his sheer amazement, he discovered what he reckons is “one of the most beautiful scenes to gaze upon” and is nearly as good as Read more...

Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...

Stella Artois

Posted 3:50pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

Do you believe that taxation is literally theft? Do you find yourself retching in disgust as you walk past commoners drinking boxes of Flame? Does Maggie Thatcher’s steely gaze awaken something deep within? Stella Artois is perfect for showing your lower class friends you aren’t out Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:46pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Instead of pre-planning New Years, focus on those end of year exams and assignments. One day at a time as they say. Political ideology to research: shit-posting left wing content on social media   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 All panic, no Read more...

EDITORIAL: We need oversight of how Aotearoa’s universities handle sexual harassment

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

This week in news, Stop Sexual Harassment on Campus Aotearoa (SSHOC) are calling for the creation of a new organisation to monitor how universities respond to sexual misconduct on campus. That’s a great idea that needs to be implemented. Universities across the country have failed their Read more...

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...