Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

With daylight savings creeping up, it’s time for me to reminisce on what I was doing this time last year. My lovely friend (we’ll call her Sophie) and I had decided to head to Christchurch, with hopes of pulling a pair of guys.

After trying to shotgun a few too many drinks beforehand, we were well on our way to finding the perfect pair. We had been bar-hopping for a couple of hours when we finally arrived at the infamous Chiwahwah. I already had a few too many drunk hook-up stories here, but this was about to take the cake.

Standing in line we met a hottie in a swanny. He was not my usual type, but hey it was late, and bars were closing an hour early due to daylight savings. He chatted us up with the usual lines and said he was off to meet all his army boys inside. The next hour was a blur until we ended up in Fat Eddies. Still to this day I pray nobody in there knew me. Sophie had made her way outside to the smoker’s area and was having a right old laugh at our state. When we finally caught up, they invited us back to theirs and we were on our merry way.

Keep in mind how before I said army boys. Yeah. We spent what felt like an hour in the Uber heading out of Christchurch to the base camp, when suddenly we stop in the middle of a dark, gravel road. The guy I’d been hooking up with in the back seat yells “wait here I’ll go grab my truck” while he runs off down the road. It was freezing cold and windy outside. Sophie and I were wondering what the fuck we had got ourselves into.

He was quite tipsy but returned with the truck to pick us and his mate up from the side of the road. Sophie and I clambered into the boot covered with smelly army packs so we could sneak past the guards into base camp. We parked far away from the lights and had to sprint into the barracks undetected. I lost Sophie, but I found a hard single bed which I spent the night spooning swanny boy in.

Swanny boy was ten years older than me, and I could tell. It was the best one night stand of my life. He bounced me like a yo-yo, and I bent like my life depended on it. His toned, fit body gave me a lot of faith in NZ’s defence force. I’m glad we’ve got hunks like him protecting us. He lasted a while for a guy that was kind of old too.

The only thing that made the mood less sexy was the constant country music playing out of his shitty laptop speaker. While I was stuck listening to wagon wheel the whole night, Sophie got to listen to my perfectly curated sex playlist in a double bed.

In the morning I showered with my sexy man and wandered around the barracks trying to find Sophie. I heard her before I found her. I really don’t know how she was still going.

We used the old “I gotta go, I’ve got work” trick and they gave us a ride back home. It was a fucking awkward drive. Could not wait to get out of that car.

Overall: 9/10. A good story, but way too much admin to ever go back.

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This article first appeared in Issue 25, 2021.
Posted 12:38am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic.