Following an emergency 1pm presser this afternoon, the nation has been alerted to the emergence of a dangerous new strain of Covid. The outbreak is centered on Dunedin North, according to Minister of Finance and assistant Prime Minister Grant “Red Robbo” Robertson who told the nation’s media that there are “at least 69 cases”.
Co-fronting the conference was Dr Ashley “Daddy” Bloomfield. Peering over his horn rimmed glasses, he spoke slowly and confidently: “We are all immensely concerned at the emergence of a novel new variety of the novel coronavirus in the depths of the Dirty D. Public health has termed this new strain BROVID-19.”
He paused to let the seriousness of the moment sink in across the nation. Staring right down the barrel of Gus Herbert from NewsHub’s camera, Bloomfield continued in his stern, stentorian voice. “Aside from the usual novel coronavirus symptoms, BROVID-19 postive breathas may experience a strong desire to vape and horf VBs. Above all, students should watch for a lack of taste, including an uncontrollable desire to play DnB at house parties.”
When questioned what strategy the government would take to eliminate BROVID-19, Red Robbo grabbed the mic: “here’s the fuckin’ plan,” he said. “We’re gonna seal off North D. I’m calling in the army, the seals, the Westpac Rescue Helicopter, you cunts name it. We’re gonna put a ring of steel around the whole damn slum.”
When asked how this would help, Red Robbo was seen to bounce up and down with excitement. “We’re finally reversing the cuts of neoliberalism baby,” said the former OUSA Tsar, with a mad gleam in his eye. “If fuckin’ Roger Douglas could see us now. We’re gonna trebuchet in the cash.” Ashley nodded solemnly, as the press gallery shouted questions and flashed cameras.
“Chafuckinhoooooooooooooooooleshgo,” screamed Robbo, as an aide quietly escorted him from the press conference.
Initial inquiries to Veggie Boys and Liqourland said that they were “stoked” with the plan, and that “the business community stands 110% behind Red Rob, our comrade.”
Later written questions to the Minister’s office confirmed that “the money pump is still going to the housing market” and that the funds for “Dollar Dollar Dime Dispenser Money Trebuchet” would come from an expansion of the borrowing cap for course related costs.