Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Everyone knows it’s you who cheats on the pub quiz, fucking stop it.

To numb the pain, try: a durry and a black coffee

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

I’m afraid to say you have girlbossed too close to the sun, your girlboss wings are melting, goodbye.

To numb the pain, try: podcasting

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

AHHHHHEVERYTHINGISSOCHAOTICFORYOUAHHHHH

To numb the pain, try: Tinder root

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

You need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trust no one in this dog eat dog world. It’s lies, all of it.

To numb the pain, try: a cup of tea in the sun

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help. You can’t be chatty, funny and outgoing all the time. We need a social battery recharge every once in a while.

To numb the pain, try: quality time with friends

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

This upcoming Mercury retrograde is nothing but bad news for ya, sorry pals. Keep an eye out for signs of miscommunication and faults with technology.

To numb the pain, try: a weekend get away

 

Leo

July - Aug 22

Nothing but respect for your loyalty. Yes, fight that girl in the bar line, block your ex, binge drink like there’s no tomorrow. Stay unhinged, bestie.

To numb the pain, try: gear

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

For someone who is so critical, you should learn to take criticism from others. You aren’t always right, and sometimes a little call out never hurt anybody.

To numb the pain, try: shopping for sex toys

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

What’s with Libra men and projecting their unwarranted opinions everywhere? Damn, y’all are pressed for no reason.

To numb the pain, try: an ego check

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

You have no concept of time. Daylight savings has probably fucked you right up. Are you asleep? Are you awake? It’s all just a social construct.

To numb the pain, try: manifestation

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Y’all need to learn some time management skills. I get that Sagittarians are meant to be free spirits or some shit, but that doesn’t mean we all work on that clock.

To numb the pain, try: becoming emotionally detached

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

You’re full of secrets. You’re mysterious, no one can figure you out. I suggest you keep it that way, it makes life more interesting.

To numb the pain, try: making yourself a nice cocktail