Archive

Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it.  It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...

Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle

Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?

Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill

Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly.      Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting.  To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended

Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...

Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...

Love is Blind | Laura and James

Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Laura:  I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis

We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...

The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography

Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs.     There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

There are two options: 1. Don’t  1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...

Pesto and Broccoli Pasta

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you.  1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...

Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable

Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard.  I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy

Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This has been a difficult week for the ODT.     They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off   Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks.     It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard

Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...

Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta

Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...

Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy

Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...

Love is Blind | Miri and Zach

Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...

The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up

Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves.     Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind.    A gem from the Regions section.     “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...

How To Scramble Eggs

Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...