Archive

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o5

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic

I was going through a hoe phase at the start of last year, and I’m not ashamed of it. I was swiping up a storm on tinder, matching with cuties all day long. There was one particular boy that took my eye. I remember seeing him around a lot, and I was excited that I could finally talk to him. Read more...

Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...

Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...

Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...

Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch

Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 04

Posted 8:06pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

It’s another week of ODT Watch. You know what that means:   This week the ODT perfectly captured my feelings about the ODT: Although the flourishing doesn’t seem to apply to their journalists’ bedrooms:   Surely this could have been phrased Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Your Flatmate

Posted 8:03pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic

Your hands accidentally bump while doing the dishes one night. You laugh softly and flick a bubble of dishwashing liquid at them. At night, drifting off to sleep, your heart feels oddly clean and new, as if it, too, had been washed. Slowly, and then all at once. On Tinder you come across them Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o4

Posted 6:34pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic

OK so I'm not much of a writer but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I reckon the Critic readers might get a wee buzz out of it so here goes. Last year I was in Unicol and me and my friend's friend Matt* were out on the piss after a party. We were at Macs when we met Read more...

How to Be a Less Shit Cook : Miso Aubergine on Pearl Couscous

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Of the five different tastes the tongue can detect, umami is perhaps the hardest to describe or define. It is often called the meat taste or the savoury taste, but this is kinda hard to pin down. The only concrete definition is that umami is the taste of glutamates, such as MSG. I guess in the end Read more...

C.S. Brewis and George Pourwell's Guide to Little Fat Lamb

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by George Pourwell

Little Fat Lamb are still pretty fresh on the scene of getting scarfies loose, having only been around for about 3 years, but they sure have made a name for themselves. Here’s a rundown on each flavour and what they say about you.   The Holy Trinity Ginger: Ginger is your Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Coach Carr and Trang Pak

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   Coach Carr My first blind date. Where to begin, this was a first for me. Nerves Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | One Sad Fluffer

Posted 10:13pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic

Back in 2015 my rabbit, Mr Fluffy, died, and I was grief-ravaged. I know that sounds like a joke, but I was a fresher living away from home for the first time, neck-deep in the shit creek that is HSFY, hadn’t made any friends in my hall, and my childhood pet had died. To top it off I Read more...

10 Ways to Die on a Lime

Posted 9:54pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic

1. Ride down Castle St. in the rain and skid on a puddle, falling head first into a bin of shattered Speight’s bottles.  Cause of death: party foul   2. Take too many selfies while riding and crash into the Leith Cause of death: vanity   3. Ride Read more...

Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost

Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 03

Posted 6:46pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Every week before I open, with trembling hands, the hallowed pages of the ODT I say to myself, “Don’t get your hopes up, Bazza. There’s no way they can come up with a better pun than they did last week. Even genius stoops to mediocrity now and then”. But every week I dare to Read more...

Currency

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Bart English

If I had a dollar for every time someone  Wanted my 2 cents,  I’d be able to sell them  for the price of a penny my thoughts. And once I’d have enough, I’d exchange all that spare change,  sell that silver spoon I’ve been suckling on as Read more...

How to Be a Less Shit Cook | Tuesday Night n Day Deals

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver

One of the most important things to learn in martial arts is when not to use martial arts. The same applies to cooking.   So this week I present:   The Tuesday Night ‘n Day Deals Ranked From Best to Worst:   1. $2 Criss-Cross Chips For some reason potato Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Naming a beverage after a kind of petrol is a pretty questionable business decision. I get the vibe they were probably going for – “It’s like fuel, for your body!” but instead Diesel comes across as smelly and messy as its namesake. If I wanted body fuel I would go with an Up Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Issue 03

Posted 5:41pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     HER Okay so right off the bat if you’re here for a super juicy Read more...

“Let’s Go Out Tonight and Stand in the UBar Line!”

Posted 5:36pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh my gosh, do you know what the best idea in the world is? Let’s go get drunk and yell about what a bad time we’re having while we wait for hours in the cold and rain to be let into UBar!” said Hamish Glunder to his assembled friends, who all nodded enthusiastically. Read more...