Archive

Dr Sash | Is Oral Sex Safe?

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Doctor Sash

A common misconception that society faces regarding sexual health is that oral sex is safe. Some people don’t even consider oral sex a risky sexual behaviour. Why? Mainly because we've always been told that safe sex involves genitalia and wearing a condom. The efforts of social media have Read more...

How To Be a Less Shit Cook | Onion Dip

Posted 6:24pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Have you been searching for the perfect food to serve friends on any occasion? Look no further because the classic kiwi onion dip is undoubtedly the GOAT. It combines delicious flavours with luscious textures while maintaining a balance of simplicity and flair. One of its best features is that even Read more...

Tsingtao is Fucking Awful. There, I Said It.

Posted 6:21pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tsingtao is an absurdly popular and massively selling beer. It’s the pride of the Chinese export market, and beloved by expats and fans around the world.  I have no idea why, because it’s fucking awful.  When I was 17 I went to Hong Kong and got really excited because I Read more...

Love Is Blind | Sally and Harry

Posted 6:08pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Sally After a four-month dry spell my standards have Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, It’s Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?

Posted 6:06pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

First we need to identify what you mean when you refer to a spoon. Do you mean a teaspoon, a utensil used for the movement of liquid to mouth, do you mean to hit a ball in a slow lobbing fashion, or do you mean a body you can lie down next to, and kind of reverse your arse into? We’re Read more...

The Week the ODT Thought of Something Very Clever

Posted 9:43pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

While the ODT have always been known for their fascination with life’s most banal moments, this week they sunk to a new low when the entire staff was enraptured by a new type of grass.     Then, we found an amazing section called “Wordways,” where the ODT Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Billy Madison

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Before starting this week’s review, I would like to take this time to declare that I am officially sick. Now I’m not blaming anyone in particular, but I think Rob Schneider is involved somehow (I feel like he’s the kinda dude that wouldn’t sneeze into his elbow). I am Read more...

Everyone Fries Chicken Wrong and You Need to Stop

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

If there’s one mistake that you’ll see over and over again from newbie cooks in Dunedin’s student flats, it’s awful chicken. You know the kind – cubes of grey-ish white, bland, tough meat that nobody enjoys. Chicken is fucking delicious, but if you’re frying it Read more...

Scrumpy Is an Arsehole of a Drink

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Scrumpy is an arsehole of a drink. It’s the fake friend who pretends to be your mate, and then talks shit about you to all of your friends and family (I’m talking about you, Steve). It’s labelled sweet, but it’s as sour as my ex that one time I took her to Macca’s on Read more...

Love Is Blind | Scarfie and Scaffolder

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Scarfie  This was a terrible idea. I’m a Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I’m throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?

Posted 6:27pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Make sure you clear the entire day, even if the party starts late in the morning at like 5pm. And always have a bevvie or two before your guests arrive so your guests know that you’re out for a fun time and not just out to be a control freak.  Red cards need a unique theme. For Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | The Wedding Singer

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In the last review I wrote, I talked about how Adam Sandler’s filmography can be divided into Old Age and New Wave. After diving into New Wave Sandler with Grown Ups, it seems only reasonable to take it back a notch, to let’s say 1985, to examine peak Old Age Sandler. Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Urinated All Over Tauranga

Posted 6:18pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. This week the ODT is reporting on some ground-breaking research,       In sinister news,     I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings; I know how this ends.      Next, the ODT wrote a front page story about Read more...

Let’s Talk About Syphilis

Posted 5:28pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Doctor Sash

Back in the day, syphilis was one of the most common sexually transmissible infections (STIs), with around 1 in 10 people contracting it. Without treatment syphilis can kill, in fact it was responsible for the deaths of Oscar Wilde and Al Capone. Thankfully along came penicillin, which can cure the Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook | Gnocchi

Posted 5:26pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Gnocchi has got to be just about the most filling thing on the face of the planet. No matter how much you think you’re gonna need, you’re going to be feeling like UBar on Wednesday before you get halfway through your plate.  The thing about gnocchi is that you can pretty much Read more...

If You See A Mate Drinking Atlas Super Strong 12%, Call The Poison Hotline

Posted 5:20pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help. By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Read more...

Love Is Blind | Caitlin and Cam

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Caitlin About a year ago I sent Critic a drunk Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Adopted Outdated Yorkshire Idiom

Posted 11:11pm Sunday 8th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. In case you missed it, the ODT have been up to their old tricks over the break. Yip. You missed nothing.      So the ODT has a column called “Ask a Scientist” where readers send in questions and a scientist answers them. Or apparently just Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

That’s right, you guessed it. It’s a new semester, a new me, and I’m already back on my old bullshit. Uni got a bit too much at the end of last semester and I was getting very overwhelmed by how much Adam Sandler I had to watch. But we’re back with a set fresh of eyes to look Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Takeaway-Style Butter Chicken

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

The luxurious, creamy sweet feel of a takeaway butter chicken is an indescribably gorgeous sensory experience that combines the eroticism of a soft titty-fucking with the comfort of Frank Ocean singing a lullaby.  For years I’ve dreamed of the day when I could say ‘Fuck the Read more...