Archive

Hi Dr. Nick | Issue 06

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 7th April 2013 by Dr. Nick

Hi everybody! Weclome back! While home for the holidays, many readers would have gotten the “how’s uni?” and this week’s column is all about that question. Rather than the usual grunted “fine,” I want to get deep about it; deeper than a deep sea diver with a massive knob gets inside his Read more...

The More Things Change | Issue 06

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 7th April 2013 by Jessica Bromell

This week, a masterpiece is uncovered, and science prevails. April 8, 1820: On a small Aegean island that nobody had previously heard of, a peasant discovered a statue that would subsequently become one of the most famous pieces of ancient Greek art ever. It is now called the Venus de Milo, Read more...

Lez Feminables | Issue 06

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 7th April 2013 by Glitter Grrl

I don’t understand this gender/sex difference you keep going on about. A person’s sex is male, female, or intersex; is biological; and dictates the form a body will take. Wait! I know someone is reading this and assuming this means that being feminine/masculine is an inescapable fate! And you! Read more...

Daily Grind | Issue 06

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 7th April 2013 by M and G

On St Patrick’s Day M and G thought it would be a fab idea to do wine before nine. With two pinot gris down and stomachs roaring they drunkenly staggered with the flat down to The Bog – a must on St Paddy’s. Stumbling through the door, their noses were assaulted with the scent of bacon and Guinness. Read more...

Love Is Blind | Issue 06

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 7th April 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Angus Restaurant / Moon Bar and ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this Read more...

Love Is Blind | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic’s infamous blind date column brings you weekly shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to Angus Restaurant / Moon Bar and ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this Read more...

The Leek | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Campbell Ecklein

You’ve all heard of “fresher flu.” It’s the reason you can’t make it to classes/hand in your essay on time, and has recently been responsible for reducing the average number of lecture attendees to 3.5. Yes, we all fear catching the inevitable illness spread by filthy freshers crawling all over each Read more...

Kant Stop Husserling | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Erma Dag

Imagine you get a new job. You sit in a room all day with a book containing a detailed code. Occasionally, a piece of paper is pushed under the door with indecipherable squiggles written on it, and you must find these squiggles in your book of code. The book will then direct you to write a new set Read more...

Hi Dr. Nick | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Dr. Nick

Hi everybody! Last week we talked a bit about STIs and, like herpes, that’s a topic that will be coming back in the future. For now though we’re treating STIs like Dexies and shelving them for a bit. This week I want to talk about a bigger topic. A much bigger topic: fatties. That’s right, Read more...

The More Things Change | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Jessica Bromell

This week, there is some very bad behaviour and a serious conflict about punctuation. 27 March, 1915: Public health authorities arrested and quarantined Mary Mallon, who is better known as Typhoid Mary, so named because she was the first known healthy carrier of typhoid fever. Because of her Read more...

Get Out Of The Ghetto | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Phoebe Harrop

If you feel like getting out of the ghetto in pun-tastic style, look no further than OUTram (get it?). This fine town lies not far OUTside Dunedin City – in fact, Wikipedia reckons it’s actually a suburb of Dunedin, despite being 30km along the road towards Middlemarch. There’s not Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Jess Cole

Ironically, given the ODT’s penchant for terrible puns, they found grounds to mock some other publications in their Weekend story, “Pig on a Mission”: Clearly gutted to have missed out on the opportunity to utilise any of the above hilarious titles, the ODT relegated this story to the Read more...

Love Online | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic created a female internet dating profile expecting a low standard of suavity. But not even we could be prepared for the barrage of sheer ineptitude that followed, each new suitor representing a new nadir in the evolution of mankind. This column is a word-for-word transcript of an Read more...

Lez Feminables | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Glitter Grrl

Talking loudly and incessantly at people, sadly, can’t always solve some problems. Here are some private issues answered, so you don’t have to talk to people you actually know about your sordid secrets. So my best mate just came out, what if he has a crush on me? What do I do? I’m not into Read more...

Daily Grind | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by M and G

Many of you caffiends may be familiar with The Fix café on Frederick Street, but you may surprised to find there is a hidden kiosk in the Centre for Innovation – the large mirrored building that you check your outfit in on your way to class. It’s a small kiosk with the same outdoor tables as St Read more...

Science, Bitches! | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Bryony Leeke

If you’ve been to any of the cafés about town lately, I’m sure you will have observed the following puzzling phenomenon: the letters “GF” on various cakes and menu items. No, that doesn’t stand for “available on girl-friend bread”; those little letters mean “gluten-free.” “Of course!” you say. Read more...

For Fuck's Sake | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Elsie Stone

Mark Wahlberg once made an awful movie about Earth taking revenge on humanity because it was pissed off about global warming. So, every time a special wind blew, people everywhere compulsively committed suicide. I’m reminded of that movie whenever I see a Public Display of Affection, because the Read more...

Editorial | Issue 05

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 24th March 2013 by Sam McChesney

Hi. My name is Sam, and I’m not the editor of Critic. Callum Fredric, the real editor, was recently involved in a tragic accident. Mere days after recklessly writing “YOLO” as his official religion on the census, Callum lost both of his miniature hands in a freak alligator-feeding accident. Read more...

Love Online | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic created a female internet dating profile expecting a low standard of suavity. But not even we could be prepared for the barrage of sheer ineptitude that followed, each new suitor representing a new nadir in the evolution of mankind. This column is a word-for-word transcript of an Read more...

The Leek | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Campbell Ecklein

A visit to King’s High School to discover more about their new King’s Men’s Society class for developing better men has inspired OUSA to begin providing a program that focuses on developing better party girls. The class, dubbed “Tips for Tricks,” aims to prepare first-year girls for the next three Read more...

Kant Stop Husserling | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Erma Dag

Hegel was one of the most grandiose, self-important philosophers of all time. He believed that he had literally unlocked the secrets of the universe and devised a system for understanding history, politics, morality and human psychology. He inspired thinkers from Marx to Sartre and enraged others Read more...

Hi Dr. Nick | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Dr. Nick

Hi everybody! In a recent poll of the two guys with me at lunch, less than 50% of them had had a recent STI check despite being sexually active outside of a long-term relationship. I know epidemiology isn’t my strong suit, but I’m fairly sure the results of this incredibly scientific study Read more...

The More Things Change | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Jessica Bromell

This week, some extensive travel is involved, and we get a city out of it. 23 March, 1848: After an apparently uneventful three-month journey, the first Scottish settlers arrived in Port Chalmers and founded a city they called Dunedin. The name was derived from the fairly unpronounceable Read more...

Lez Feminables | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Glitter Grrl

I’ve had a couple of people this past week mention feminism and the International Women’s Day to me in angry tones. I couldn’t figure out exactly what was enraging them so – maybe a Jezebel.com moderator replied snarkily to one of their comments – but there’s something in the water, for sure. I’m Read more...

Daily Grind | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by M and G

Doc has been a campus favourite for a few years now. He first popped onto the scene in 2011 in the garage space underneath Clubs and Socs, after increasing popularity he shifted up Albany next to Rob Roy Dairy, and recently he moved further down George St opposite Knox Church. Doc is known Read more...

Get Out Of The Ghetto | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Phoebe Harrop

Come young fresher, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The best thing about living in Dunedin actually has nothing to do with Dunedin at all. The real treat lies a bit to the West and a touch to the North of our fine city: the magically hot-in-summer, ski-perfect-in-winter, Lord-of-the-Rings Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Callum Fredric

Rest in peace, bitch. And now, the worst pun of the year to date: Perhaps aware that they'd taken things too far, the ODT published a montage of readers reacting to the pun: BNZ is smashing the glass ceiling, and the ODT's photographer got all the female Read more...

Science, Bitches! | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Hannah Twigg

So, we’re a few weeks into the year now, and all of a sudden reality is knocking at the door. How about those assignments? Don’t tell me lies, I know you’ve left it to the last minute to prepare that presentation, and you’ve been up until 3am finishing that essay. So when the going gets tough, what Read more...

For Fuck's Sake | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Elsie Stone

The first few weeks in a new flat are the absolute best: there’s nothing like a month of endless pillow fort-making, Game of Thrones marathons and flat trips to the Satay Noodle House to give you that warm fuzzy feeling of general happiness and optimism (“Yeah! We are going to do the dishes after Read more...

Love Is Blind | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic’s infamous blind date column is back for another year of shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to a bar and ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds Read more...

Proctology | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Zane Pocock

Proctology kicks off this week with those perennial troublemakers, Campus Watch. After hearing on Police radio that the occupants of an abandoned vehicle were wanted, our Guardian Angels took it upon themselves to look around “just in case they could see them.” They decided to check around some Read more...

Editorial | Issue 04

Posted 5:43pm Sunday 17th March 2013 by Callum Fredric

Themed issues are so 2012. But retro is making a comeback, so welcome to the Fashion Issue. Know what else is in right now? Gay marriage. Parliament just voted in favour of the bill at its second reading. Good for them. I would have voted in favour too. But I can’t help feeling Read more...

Love Online | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic created a female internet dating profile expecting a low standard of suavity. But not even we could be prepared for the barrage of sheer ineptitude that followed, each new suitor representing a new nadir in the evolution of mankind. This column is a word-for-word transcript of an Read more...

The Leek | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Campbell Ecklein

An impulse buy at the end of a flat shopping trip at South Dunedin’s Pak ‘n’ Save has left four lucky second-year commerce boys reeling as their Lotto Powerball ticket landed them $20 million last week. The blokes decided to split the cost of a Powerball ticket after one fellow noticed that Read more...

Kant Stop Husserling | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Erma Dag

In case you have not yet had the misfortune to watch it, Harlem Shake is a new worldwide video meme which is TOTES FUNNY OMG. The meme is a series of 30-second clips. Each begins with one person dancing alone (and badly) to an electronic tune. This person is surrounded by people who, instead of Read more...

The More Things Change | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Jessica Bromell

This week, the Internet’s ascent hits a milestone, and scientists continue to claim each other’s ideas. 12 March, 1894: In the small and otherwise unassuming city of Vicksburg, Mississippi, Coca-Cola was bottled and sold for the first time. It had originally enjoyed a career as a coca wine, Read more...

Hi Dr. Nick | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Dr. Nick

Hi everybody! A wise old man (who happens to be my boss so I should probably go back and replace “old” with something less pejorative) once posed the question, “how do you boil a live frog?” Allegedly it’s by slowly turning the heat up. As my wise, devilishly handsome, and incredibly Read more...

Lez Feminables | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Glitter Grrl

Hey kids! By now, you’ve probably got to know your neighbours and classmates a bit better, made some new friends (and/or enemies), and experimented with alternative lifestyle choices, such as substance abuse or wearing long pants in summer. You might have spotted a few of Dunedin’s less mainstream Read more...

Daily Grind | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by M and G

On the weird little road opposite Super Liquor central and the Hunter Centre sits Allpress, the headquarters of Allpress beans. Not only do they serve a brilliant bitter brew, they roast their own beans on site. Fresh. Prepare yourself to be served by ice queens who scorn all students that Read more...

Get Out Of The Ghetto | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Phoebe Harrop

The heady exploits of O-Week are now a hazy memory, lectures aren’t preliminary any more, and the icy charms of a Dunedin autumn have well and truly arrived here in the student ghetto. You may think it’s time to curl up in a ball, survive exclusively on mi goreng and milo, and await the release of Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Callum Fredric

On Tuesday, the day before the Dunedin cricket test was due to start, the ODT decided to tempt fate. Rain washed out the entire first day of the test. As this column went to print on Wednesday night, the exact magnitude of the ODT’s fuckup was yet to be determined. And now, Read more...

Science, Bitches! | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Elsie Jacobson

“... I’ve just been cutting onions. I’m making a lasagne ... for one ...” As the Flight of the Conchords song goes. But why? Why do onions make you bawl like Mufasa just died, and how can you make it stop? Science, bitches, has the answer. Onions have little packets of enzymes inside each Read more...

For Fuck's Sake | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Elsie Stone

This week, whilst waiting in the depressingly long Uniprint line, I had the misfortune of overhearing a conversation between two self-professed “buzzy cunts” as they loudly tried to outdo each other with stories of their drug-fuelled escapades from the weekend. The thing that struck me about these Read more...

Love Is Blind | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic’s infamous blind date column is back for another year of shutdowns, hilariously mismatched pairs, and the occasional hookup. Each week, we lure two singletons to a bar and ply them with alcohol and food (in that order), then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds Read more...

Editorial | Issue 03

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Callum Fredric

Dear John Key, You probably don’t know me, John. I’m not like you, you see. I’m not the sort of person you generally hang out with. I’m not a rich, pinstripe suit-wearing banker or a slick corporate lobbyist. I’m just a regular guy, John. The sort of guy your government fucked Read more...

Love Is Blind | Issue 02

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013 by Lovebirds

Critic still doesn’t have a sponsor for the infamous Blind Date column. If you own a restaurant and want to gain publicity off the back of hilarious hookup attempts, hit us up at critic@critic.co.nz. If you want to go on a blind date, email your details to news@critic.co.nz. In the meantime, we gave Read more...

The Leek | Issue 02

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013 by Campbell Ecklein

Following a rash of break-ins by intoxicated students at the Botanic Gardens over the past two weeks, Dunedin City Council officials have been forced to take extreme measures to put an end to these hijinks. The beautiful Botanic Gardens are open year-round to the public, but the gates are locked Read more...

Kant Stop Husserling | Issue 02

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013 by Erma Dag

On Tuesday 5 March, make YOLO your official religion in the New Zealand census, safe in the knowledge that you have sound philosophical reasons behind you. YOLO is much more than just 2012’s most annoying new catchphrase, the bane of A&Es nationwide or the butt of such ruthless deconstruction Read more...

Science, Bitches! | Issue 02

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013 by Bryony Leeke

Human beings are capable of some pretty weird things when it comes to sex, as attested by the sordid tales of sexual misadventure to be heard on the North Dunedin grapevine. But the sleazy stories you overheard at your Monday morning lecture are nothing compared to the crazy copulations that go on Read more...

For Fuck's Sake | Issue 02

Posted 5:18pm Sunday 3rd March 2013 by Elsie Stone

Consider this my deep and sincere apology for not wanting to have sex with you. I feel like such a frigid bitch because you got nothing in return for all the nice things you did for me last night. Remember when I walked past your flat? You were outside with all your friends, playing Read more...