Editorial | Issue 03

Editorial | Issue 03

Dear John Key,

You probably donít know me, John.

Iím not like you, you see. Iím not the sort of person you generally hang out with. Iím not a rich, pinstripe suit-wearing banker or a slick corporate lobbyist.

Iím just a regular guy, John. The sort of guy your government fucked over with its policies of the last four years.

So thatís why Iím writing you this overwrought letter, John. Because I donít like the direction youíre taking my country. And I donít like you.

You must be wondering why I keep ending sentences with your name, John. You see, in my mind, it indicates that Iím speaking to you in a condescending, reproving manner. It makes me feel like Iím positioning myself on the moral high ground. It makes me feel assertive and righteous, John.

These sorts of letters are a common trope in most western countries, John. Most leaders, including Obama, have to deal with a dozen or so per year. But because there exists a thing called a ďDear John letterĒ, which Wikipedia defines as ďa letter written to a husband or boyfriend by his spouse or significant other to inform him their relationship is over,Ē I feel even more clever and smug when I write your name, John.

And have no illusions about the fact that our relationship is indeed over, John. Despite passionately opposing your party since before you entered Parliament, I totally kept an open mind about your government. But the policies you implemented, such as increasing student loan repayments from 10% to 12%, were worse than I could have imagined. So yes, John, you and I are over.

I know you were an investment banker, John. So itís not surprising that you can only see the bottom line, and not the more subtle human element, of the decisions you make. And thatís why youíre selling our assets, John. Flogging off the family silver that my forefathers took such pride in. Giving it all away to the Chinese.

Youíre also not keen on the idea of a universal student allowance, are you John? You say itís ďunaffordableĒ. Thereís that trademark focus on the dollar bills again. I could lecture you about ďPeople Before ProfitĒ, John. But you probably wouldnít listen.

So thanks for the wine, John. But no thanks for the policies. And the majority of the nation is going to say a resounding ďno thanksĒ to your government in 2014.

Enjoy your last two years in power, John. And enjoy trying to sleep at night knowing what youíve done to our country.
This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2013.
Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th March 2013 by Callum Fredric.