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Hey kids! By now, you’ve probably got to know your neighbours and classmates a bit better, made some new friends (and/or enemies), and experimented with alternative lifestyle choices, such as substance abuse or wearing long pants in summer. You might have spotted a few of Dunedin’s less mainstream inhabitants, and are wondering how to approach any interactions with these people, lest you get something wrong and have My Chemical Romance lyrics graffitied all over your belongings.

I can’t tell if a guy on my floor is gay or not, how do I find out? Can I ask?
I’m guessing it’s his mannerisms and clothing that make you unsure, something like that? Well, I can tell you, as someone who has witnessed gays in checked shirts, beards, and strip clubs, that these signs are not perfect indicators. Being asked brings forth an “I’m not gonna submit to one of your comfy little boxes, maaan” monologue from me, and I’m perfectly comfortable with discussing my sexuality; your average first year floormate may take it a little more to heart. On the other hand, he might be totes cool with the question. I guess I can’t help but point out that you probably want to know in order to satisfy your curiosity and comfort level, not his. Until science brings us a for real real gaydar gadget, you may have to suffer the mental torture of not knowing another person’s secret.

There are all these androgynous people wandering around, how do I tell if they’re a girl or a boy?
Holy shit! You mean wandering around with pants and short hairdos? Like it ain’t no thang? How dare they! I’mma tell you a secret here: they could be neither! Whaaat? I know. “But how do I address them?” I hear you cry, ever concerned about correct pronoun use. Try “they,” or just using their name. That, or follow them until you overhear their friends refer to them. You can try out some of them new-fangled neutral pronouns, too: “ze”/“xe” etc.

My trusty mating ritual of seizing a girl’s rear got me slapped the other night! WTF? Dunedin’s nightlife is so violent!
Ah, yes, some ladies may not appreciate violations of their personal space, it’s true. While this may have worked for you in the past, and I’m sure it never has, you may find the odd girl will let you know her feelings, like you expressed yours, through a physical gesture. Maybe start flirting with her face first, next time!

You’re welcome for this week’s handy tips on how to realise it’s your own fault you’re uncomfortable, not theirs.