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The first few weeks in a new flat are the absolute best: there’s nothing like a month of endless pillow fort-making, Game of Thrones marathons and flat trips to the Satay Noodle House to give you that warm fuzzy feeling of general happiness and optimism (“Yeah! We are going to do the dishes after dinner! Cleaning rosters! Fuck yeah!”). But it’s about this time of year that many of you, with a sinking heart, will finally realise: your flatmates are all disgusting specimens of retarded fuckheadedness.

I could write endless examples of flatmate shittiness: bad hygiene, absurdly loud and disturbing sexual dalliances, those annoying shits who never share their food. I had a flatmate who invented “Poo-Steaming,” which basically meant that he would take a massive dump right before any of us got in the shower, so we all had the pleasure of bathing in his poo-particles.

But for once (just once), I think I will restrain my inner bitch, and tell all of you the inconvenient truth that everyone all must face: nobody is perfect. Amongst their blind frustration and possible flatmate-related homicidal tendencies, most people have very likely failed to acknowledge that they, too, are retarded fucks.

Basically, what I am saying is – everyone probably hates you just as much as you hate them.

The reason that I am telling you this, is that the absolute worst thing in this whole wide world is a hypocritical dick who always hits up their flatmates about the annoying shit they do, but is constantly doing annoying shit themselves. There’s no anger quite like the pure rage you feel when your flatmate sends you a passive-aggressive text about the dirty pot you left in the sink, when just that morning you scrubbed their skiddies off the toilet bowl and didn’t say a single thing.

There’s no point in being pissed at your flatmates for the shit they do in the flat, because more than likely, the shit you are doing is even worse. When you pull that long, matted chunk of hair out of the clogged shower drainhole, it’s not just one person’s hair. It’s the whole flat’s hair. This is a very deep and well-thought-out metaphor. Fucking think about it.

The only way you will get through this year without murdering each other in your sleep is if you begin to appreciate the fact that all of your flatties are putting up with you being the annoying, ignorant shit that you are. So please show some fucking courtesy and do the same for them.