Columns

I have two assignments due tomorrow, so naturally I decided to write my column instead. Ha! Fuck you, university. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And the rest of us say FUCK OFF and watch videos of sloths online. I watched one today that had baby sloths getting shaved, lathered in butter and wrapped in pink bandages. At the end, the two baby sloths hugged. But the beauty of procrastination lies in more than just slow-moving tropical mammals embracing: when we procrastinate, we flirt with danger. It’s both rebellious and relaxing. It’s like eating an entire bag of Doritos and not regretting a single thing. For those of you who are too boring to discover such joys on your own, I have decided to list some of my best procrastination tips. You’re welcome.

Quizzes are really great. If you’re boring and smart, you can do the daily Stuff Quiz. If you are fantastic and awesome, you can do other quizzes. Because there’s no point in knowing anything unless you know which Michael Jackson dance move you are. And what your spirit animal is. And which Game of Thrones character you are. Online quizzes are also perfect for telling you if you are a good kisser and how long you would last in a zombie apocalypse. Today, a quiz told me whether or not I could date Justin Bieber (I couldn’t). And whether I will be successful (I won’t). Also my future home (a cave).

Playlists are also great. If you are new to the whole procrastination thing, playlist-creation is a particularly good tactic because it technically counts as study preparation. And it is so much fun that you will forget that you were meant to be studying in the first place. Win-win!

I have a wonderful friend who likes to procrasti-bake. As in baked goods. As in cake. This is a very good form of procrastination because it makes nice smells and nice food and people will love you.

Fuck it, go out on the town. You know you aren’t going to study anyway. If you’re going to procrastinate, why not get off the couch and go out and do exciting things? It’s okay to be a lazy fuck. Just don’t lie to yourself about it. It is an absolutely shit time of year because there are shitloads of assignments, the crappy weather is setting in, and exams are looming. But don’t let that turn you boring. Instead, procrastinate! I procrastinated for five hours whilst writing this column about procrastination, and it was a blast. Try it. You know you want to.