Columns

#1. The issue with snacks in the library is that the sound of other people eating is one of the most aggravating noises in the world. The sound of crinkling wrappers or an apple crunching stirs a very dark rage in the core of my being. But snacktime is also the best meal ever invented (apart from brunch and post-town McDonald’s), and no one should have to give that up. Therefore, Rule #1 is: eat your snacks, but don’t be a dick about it. Don’t eat like a barbarian. Open your shit as quietly as possible. Share – no one likes people who are stingy with their snacks. There is no possible situation where lip-smacking or gum-popping is acceptable.

#2. The exception to Rule #1 is of course odorous food. Once upon a time I sat beside someone in the library who was eating a tuna salad and I couldn’t believe that such a fucking foul person walked the face of this earth. The end. The moral of this story is that food which smells bad should not enter the library, no matter how tasty and full of omega-3s it is. Stinky people should not enter the library either. I don’t think anything in this life could be more distracting or rage-inducing than a wafting stench of unwashed testicles.

#3. It’s only natural that you are going to get a cold (if you don’t have one already, just wait). It will linger for weeks and you will spend a fortune on those lovely Eucalyptus tissues that don’t rape your nose. Unfortunately, the common cold is a rather noisy affliction. If you follow Rule #3 it may prevent people from trying to end your suffering prematurely: don’t sniff, ever. No one wants to hear you swallow your snot. Don’t leave grimy tissues around, and never show people the colour of your phlegm.

#4. Nothing you have to say will ever be important enough to speak out loud in the library, unless there is a fire or you are witnessing a murder. There are no other excuses for not shutting the hell up. So, Rule #4 of the library is: whisper, motherfuckers.

#5. Rule #5 of the library is: public displays of happiness are banned. This is a continuation of Rule #4. The thing about study is that it turns people into much angrier versions of themselves. Laughing is a loud and joyful activity, and there is nothing that angry people hate more than people who are loud and joyful. Watch your YouTube videos and look at your memes in the Link, fuckers. Leave the rest of us to glower in peace.