Columns

Lectures can be pretty dicey – they force a room full of strangers to tolerate each other for hours at a time. Some of us are happy, most of us are pissed off. Some of us are actually listening to what the lecturer says, most of us are doing more important things (like sleeping). The potential for awkward shit to happen is at an all-time high, and the worst thing is that there is no escape. The only option is to ride the awkwardness out, stuck in a bum-numbing seat that oozes the ass-crack sweat of the poor fuckers who sat there before you.

If possible, avoid talking to people. Luckily, awkward conversations with strangers can be pretty easily avoided via either (a) a helpful buffer of friends sitting on either side of you, or (b) an even more helpful one-seat buffer that any polite stranger will leave between you and them. But there is no buffer for protection from those in the rows in front of and behind you. So naturally some pretty awkward shit can go down.

The worst of said shit is catching the eye of someone sitting in the row ahead in the reflection of their laptop screen. Eye-catching in general is bad, but this is worse, because although it’s easy to accidentally do, the indirectness of the contact gives the impression that you must have intended it to happen and thus are a creep. Eye-catching is the pits because it can very easily turn into a vicious cycle – it’s hard to do just once. I don’t know why movies portray catching someone’s eye as something cute that happens in elevators and turns into true love. It’s not cute, it’s odd – and it only ever turns into the other person thinking that you are a psychopath.

Lectures are deceptive, because it’s easy to retreat into a bubble and forget that you aren’t alone. Believe me, you may think that you can send your friends a snapchat of your triple chins and that people won’t notice, but they will. Every time you play a round of Temple Run, the people sitting behind you are equally as concerned for the health and safety of Guy Dangerous (your average explorer) as you guide him on the hunt for the golden idol. You cannot have a private conversation, you cannot discreetly eat an apple.

Lectures are bad, and awkward shit is worse. Together they are fucking terrible. Unfortunately, we cannot complete our university degrees from the safety of our beds (believe me, I’ve tried). So venture out with care, fuckers, and good luck.