Until now, the fresher flu was the greatest danger to our wellbeing. That won’t be true for long. A new threat to our debatably meaningful existence has arisen over the weekend – a momentary lapse in security by the ever-vigilant microbiology department has resulted in the escape of a highly dangerous virus that was being studied under strictly controlled conditions. Unofficial statements from the Head of Department revealed that the virus managed to flee the building when Steffanie,* a third-year micro student, was conducting experiments with the virus and left the room briefly to consume an apple. The virus, referred to in scientific circles as Neverus corripio [nay-VEHR-oos cor-EE-pee-oh], requires supervision at all times unless locked away.
Experts are unable to confirm the full extent of the effects of the virus, but advise that there are a number of confirmed symptoms of contraction that students and faculty should be aware of. These include an inability to attain any level of intoxication regardless of the amount of substance consumed, an overwhelming compulsion to attend classes and complete coursework, the sudden desire to dress appropriately for the current weather conditions, a profound improvement in financial sensibility, and total revulsion upon contact with packaged, processed and generally unhealthy foods.
From these terrifying symptoms, it is clear that this virus presents a massive threat to life as we know it, and should be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, this may prove more difficult than it would seem – the virus is mainly contracted via the benches/seat cushions of lecture theaters, toilet seats, door handles of any conceivable material, glancing at infected persons, and breathing. Although scientists are working around the clock to develop a system to manage the spread of the virus, samples taken from infected individuals show that the virus is mutating rapidly, meaning that any cure developed would be rendered ineffective within hours or even minutes.
In the meantime, students are advised to inform a science or health professional if they observe any of their friends or classmates displaying the symptoms listed above. As of yet, no official name has been assigned to this crippling disease – hopes remain high that it will be eliminated before it becomes a “thing.”
*For reasons of public shaming, name has not been changed.