Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen

Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...

Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’

Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes

Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...

2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...

Marlin’s Dreaming: Electrifying, Witty, and Actually Good

Posted 11:27pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Caroline Moratti

The same day I interviewed Marlin’s Dreaming, Taylor Swift had just released a new album. So overall it was a big day for the Dunedin Sound. Marlin’s Dreaming is a sleepy, mesmerising band consisting of Semisi Maiai (vocals/guitar), Hamish Morgan (percussion) and Oscar Johns (bass). Read more...

WHO SHAT ON THE TABLE

Posted 11:26pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Owen Clarke

Read the mystery here     At that moment, Kyle opens the door. He sniffs, then looks at the table, then at you. “What the fuck?” he says. “That’s exactly what I said,” you say. “But I wasn’t here. It wasn’t me. It was one of Read more...

The Shittiest Study Session

Posted 11:25pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Owen Clarke

It’s a rainy Saturday evening in Dunedin. You took five too many nangs last night, forgot there was a hole in the butt pocket of your jeans and, as a result, lost your car keys. You’ve also been ghosted by your last five Tinder matches, three of whom have unmatched you altogether. In Read more...

Students To Watch: Anna Clark

Posted 11:16pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Nina Minogue

There was never doubt in Anna Clark’s mind about where she was going to head in life. When she was 15, she knew she wanted to do genetics and from the age of four, knew she’d love to work with animals. Studying Genetics and Zoology in undergrad, Anna has combined two lifelong passions Read more...

Dave Cull: Beautiful Nightmayor

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Caroline Moratti

Mayor Dave Cull is a sultry, smooth sultana. His body is hesitantly tanned, his hair windswept to a salt and pepper slick. If I had to liken him to an animal, he would be a seagull. Did I mention he’s an Aries? He greets me warmly and leads me into his office. The door shuts behind us. Read more...

The Dunedin Youth Council

Posted 11:03pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Caroline Moratti

When I was 17 years old, I wore too much eyeliner and thought Benedict Cumberbatch was genuinely attractive. I also joined a fledgling group called the Dunedin Youth Council (DYC). In my two-year term, I witnessed horrific ratepayer spending, chaotic organisation and general unbelievable Read more...