Archive

Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin

Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...

Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...

Entire Witchcraft 102 Class Disintegrates After Surprise Rain On Fieldtrip

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

All students of Witchcraft 102: Hexes In Contemporary Society were reduced to ash after a shock shower last Thursday. “It’s an absolute tragedy. We had such a promising class of crones this year,” said the lecturer for the class, Ethel Turtleback. Miss Turtleback refused to Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 18

Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues. This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself.   Pisces Feb 19 - Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Kahlúa

Posted 8:08pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself ‘I want a very, very mediocre cappuccino’ (and can’t be bothered walking to Good Earth)? When the urge strikes, I go straight to Kahlúa. Kahlúa is a coffee flavoured liqueur, for those of you who are Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Molly Mae and Maura

Posted 8:04pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Molly Mae It all started two weeks ago when Critic posted that they Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Ear Piercing Pegger

Posted 8:01pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I had my bed against the wall of my flatmates room, and recently just got a girlfriend who is incredible in bed. Like dirty af, loves Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila

Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue

Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic

t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy Read more...

Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s

Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic

1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now. 2. You hate Read more...

Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese

Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...

Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...

First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...

Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing

Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie

Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...

ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis

Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia     2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed.     3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...

Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...

Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish

Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway

Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 16

Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...