Archive

Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street

Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...

Clocktower Goblin Made Redundant as University Updates to Automated Bells

Posted 11:47pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago University’s resident hunchback finds himself newly unemployed as the proctor installs an automated striking clock system, rendering Bogdan Bogusław’s hourly bell ringing obsolete. For the last 89 years, Bogdan has faithfully squatted behind the clock face, pulling the Read more...

Local Goth Pleased to Find They’re Accidentally Supporting Thursdays in Black

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Let me get this straight,” said Dunedin goth Jonathan “Blood Dread” Brown. “All I’ve got to do to show my support for survivors of sexual violence is to wear black one day a week? I’ve been wearing black every day since I was 13 and heard Green Day for the Read more...

Study: Flatmate’s Dishes Date Back to the Neolithic Era

Posted 11:45pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In groundbreaking new research, local Archaeology student Penny Tration has successfully dated her flatmate's dishes back to the early Neolithic. “By observing the remains of homo flatematus we can learn valuable things about their habits and lifestyle. For example, prior to this study Read more...

Top 10 Māori Songs You WIll 238% Hear At Māori Parties

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Whakatō te Kākano – Mauri Ka Mānu – Bella Kalolo, Maisey Rika, Majic, Ria Hall, Rob Ruha, Seth Haapu, Troy Kingi, The Witch Dr. Whangai Aroha (DWFI – Māori) – Tomorrow People Whakahonohono Mai – 1814 He Rangi Ataahua – Te Reotakiwa Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The British Brunette in Bali

Posted 11:05pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     On the way home from one of my frequent trips to Indonesia, my friends were travelling on to a different country and I had about 8 hours to kill between Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 22

Posted 10:57pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Don’t forget to wash your bits. This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark

Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

I’m not sure if making a non-sweet RTD is an incredible idea, doomed to fail or both. Great White Sharks tastes like liquidised celery, which is not something I ever particularly wanted to try, but then again I’ve sucked your dad’s dick. Guess which one is more sticky when it pours Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Sharon and Ozzy

Posted 10:33pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Sharon Running late from dying my hair blue and my hands looking Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 21

Posted 5:26pm Sunday 1st September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT had a series of ethical dilemmas. First, the age old question: And then an enigma for the modern age,   Always go potatoes. Property is nothing but trouble.   The ODT have a brave new marketing strategy… The ODT are notorious for being Read more...

Some Old Guy in Lecture Theatre Won’t Stop Mansplaining

Posted 11:02pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Look at him, standing at the front of the class, mansplaining about physics from a PowerPoint slide. What a twat. Calls himself a “professor” or “doctor” or “lecturer” or something, like I’d give gosh darn hookin-dooky. He’s going on about something Read more...

Lad Wearing Shorts in Winter; a Harrowing Statement about Climate Change

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

William Maverick of Leith Street isn’t just wearing booty shorts in winter to show off those toned, sinewy, powerful, sexy rugby-player calves. He doesn’t need to prove himself as a man by eschewing trousers, nor is he swayed by the ridicule and emasculation of his flatties (ha ha Read more...

Finally, a Safe Space for the Straight’s

Posted 10:59pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The Dunedin heterosexual community rejoices as last week the “e” on the Alley Cantina sign fell off, rendering the establishment an exclusive venue where the Straights in SLGBT+ can live their truth. “It’s great having a place just for us,” said one staunchly male Read more...

Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year

Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...

Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room

Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 21

Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic

Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...

Top 10 Most Kissable Animals

Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...