How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?

Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders.   Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...

Endo is My Safe Word: Having Sex With Endometriosis

Posted 9:00pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Katie Plant

I didn’t expect that I’d be writing this directly after being excellently shagged by my incredible partner; thankfully I didn’t have to use my safe word. See, I have a problem. I love fucking my partner, and he loves fucking me, but my endometriosis loves fucking me over. While Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...

Are You In A Relationship?

Posted 8:54pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by

Have you slept with them? In my dreams (1) Once or twice (2) A few times but wouldn’t say often (3) At least twice a week (4)   Do you stay the night? Definitely not - that’s a no go (1) Sometimes after a night on the piss (2) Most times but I leave Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore

Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 06

Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 06

Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!!     The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to:     Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...

A Shitfest On Wheels: I Went For A Ride On On Te Roopū Māori’s Party Bus

Posted 11:40pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Tukukino Royal

Soon the days of being acceptably trashed on a bus will be gone. According to my shit sources (Whatu and Zaine), these shitfests on wheels may be served the same fate as law camp. For years Te Roopū Māori (TRM, the Māori Students’ Association) have been running their bus trips Read more...