I didn’t expect that I’d be writing this directly after being excellently shagged by my incredible partner; thankfully I didn’t have to use my safe word. See, I have a problem. I love fucking my partner, and he loves fucking me, but my endometriosis loves fucking me over. While endometriosis is an invisible, silent disease, my O-face and sex noises are certainly not. Endometriosis has left me in an age-old battle with my vagina since I was 11 (think elevator scene from The Shining mixed with the tears of the Kardashians). I used to hate everything about being a woman, from my sex organs to the bullshit I felt like I had to put up with because of my gender. I was so uncomfortable in my skin; I desperately wished I had a penis and all the privilege that came with it.
2018 left me bedridden for at least 3 months, making me miss a lot of lectures and tutorials. I was in so much pain that sometimes I felt like I was dying. My bedroom became my prison cell where my health left me trapped feeling helpless, alone and depressed. To this day, my pain has always made me feel so embarrassed and weak; it’s left me having to come up with new and exciting excuses for my absences, which didn’t involve my period or pelvic pain, like ‘tummy bug’ or ‘flu’, when in reality it felt like Hannibal Lecter and his mates were having a mukbang in my uterus.
A few years ago, trapped in an abusive relationship, my disability left me so freaking vulnerable. I’d ask my ex to be more gentle or stop (which he would momentarily do), but as soon as he got close to finishing my safety was disregarded and he would do whatever felt best for him, leaving me crying into my pillow, screaming, trying not to faint and vomit. I confronted him several times after he saw the state I was in after sex. He would laugh or tell me he loved me, and insist that I was just ‘too good at sex,’ putting the blame fully on me, making it my problem.
I eventually met my current partner, where we have open communication about my health and the fact that sex can be painful for me. For me, a healthy sex life enhances a relationship, but it’s really hard to have a healthy sex life when I can’t do what my partner or I enjoy. We have slowly built a routine based on trust and respect. To ensure that our sex life was safe for me, and also pleasurable for both of us, I created my safe word (ooh la la) ‘Endo’, which translates to ‘get the fuck out of me immediately’. I also learned that when penetration was painful, there were less painful positions and forms of stimulation that kept me safe while still giving me pleasure (cunnilingus never ceases to amaze me). Just because I have a disability doesn’t mean I don’t want my partner to fuck my brains out (in a safe, respectful way).