Conflict is inevitable when you live in close quarters with other people, especially when you may have conflicting ideas about what cleanliness looks like and what acceptable sleeping patterns are. Whether tension manifests in passive-aggressive remarks about your innovative pot-soaking method, or full-on shouting matches over the boom of a JBL speaker, there is a near-guarantee that something, at some point, will disrupt the delicate peace of communal living. Thankfully, I’ve not personally been involved in long-lasting flat feuds, but I’ve seen it happen – and dawgs, it’s not pretty. But fear not! Critic Te Ārohi is your salvation if you’ve been forced into playing hide and seek in your own home. As you eat your dinner from bed, enjoy a carefully curated list of five unique and (probably) flawless strategies to swiftly settle your flat ‘beefs’ before they escalate to something even less desirable.
Disclaimer: Critic Te Ārohi is not liable for any incensed flat arguments caused by trying these methods.
1. A duel
Communal living means confusion over flat ownership, making move-out day awkward if someone tries to make away with your cast iron pan. You might find that you end up having to prove yourself to be the alpha, and THIS is how you do it. Back in a more “civilised” society, when two folks had a disagreement the go-to way to squash the feud was to march outside, draw pistols or blades, and go at it until one person’s mind is subsequently changed – or minced. Now, there’s no place for such unnecessary violence in today’s age, because we all have so much to live for (GTA VI) and your flatmate’s death might complicate future rent payments. Thankfully, there are alternative options out there. You can go to Kmart, grab a couple of lightsabers, and clash to restore order to your flat. You can 1v1 in a game of paintball. You can even take a pillow and wallop each other with onslaughts of over-head swings. Not only does a duel leave you with a clear, undisputable victor but it also installs a mutual respect between you both as admirable and unyielding warriors, both fighting for peace and finality to whatever issue has arisen between you. One piece of advice I must tell you is DO YOUR RESEARCH! Watch the Star Wars prequel trilogy, watch A Fistful of Dollars, and find whichever pillow is best for your preferred combat style. Making the extra effort can be the difference between whether you get a flat PlayStation or not on move out day, so lock in.
2. A moderated dance-off
There are times where things can get quite competitive between flatties – whether it's fighting over who’s more deserving of passenger princess privileges in your flatmate’s car before a New World run or trying to one-up each other by cooking the superior flat dinner. At times like these, you may need a little bit of friendly competition to at least temporarily establish yourself as the ‘top dog’. If you’re a subscriber to the belief that “violence isn’t the answer”, here’s a more ethical alternative. Simply find a snazzy location – abandoned warehouse, privately-booked club venue, closed-off CBD street, you name it – choose a song each, take a week to practice, and then perform in front of a live crowd and put your trust into the power of the people. They will decide the winner, thus ending the feud as a sensation of mutual respect unites you once again. The main thing you cannot afford to get wrong is the spectacle and scale of it all. Do NOT half-arse this. It has to be the stuff of legends. Go and learn some form of dancing, even if it's copying your Fortnite skin as it emotes in the lobby like an ungodly alternative to ‘Just Dance’. A great method for one-on-one flat beefs (nothing asserts dominance like maintaining eye contact while aggressively twerking) but can also work beautifully for flat ‘civil war’ scenarios, where you can choreograph the ultimate show of superior groove to put your misaligned flatmate(s) in their place.
3. Get a flat pet
Nothing unites humanity like cooing over a furry friend. Adopting a flat pet will totally change the dynamic of your relationship for the better. You will no longer merely be flatmates, but instead, you will be caring and devoted co-parents to a very special creature of your choosing – rats, guinea pigs, puppy, kitten, horse, stick insect, regular stick, wallaby, turtle, rock, cicada – and co-conspirators in its secret existence from property managers. When adopting your chosen critter, make sure you use it to catalyse your bonding activities with your flatmate. Go for nice walks at Silver Stream, take it shopping with you, go and frolic in a paddock together. There is, of course, the small chance that becoming parents will in fact not save your relationship with your flatties. Apparently even married couples sometimes do this wacky thing called ‘getting divorced’ (shoutout to my parents!) but that’s not a guaranteed outcome. While this method is one of the less-likely to have a 100% success rate it still might bring you closer together as a flat. Wholesome vibes. You’ll just have to be conscious of the fact that friction might arise if someone isn’t pulling their weight in caring for the animal, so be sure to negotiate a concrete list of terms and agreements to do with cleaning schedules and vet bills.
4. Kill ‘em with kindness
Who doesn’t love Mr Beast, eh? Get your problematic flatty whose dirty underwear compromised your last inspection a sweet treat to butter them up and soothe their pride. You can feel confident knowing your flat won’t be at risk next time the property manager comes knocking if you asked them to pretty please put the skid-stains away after offering an iced chocolate from Night ‘n Day (expenny, but holy gosh they’re good). Either that or fork out $417 to get AJ and Big Justice to ask for you in a personalised Cameo. In any case, flip the script on your flatmate to show you’re a lover, not a fighter.
5. Shatter their heart and spirit, ensuring that they know never to frick with you again!
This one is, like, not even cool. It’s devious and frankly degenerate, but I want to share the scheme anyway. Take notes if you fancy becoming a certified Lex Luthor-level supervillain dickhead. I imagine this one is strictly reserved for truly abhorrent offenses that are not easily forgiven. Let’s say, for example, your flatmate absolutely botched their attempt at cooking dinner for the flat. This cannot be allowed to slide. Firstly, catfish your flatmate on a dating app. Set up a profile under a false alias, spend time tailoring it to be exactly their cup of tea, while still keeping it as authentic-feeling as possible. Next, you want to win their heart at any and all costs. Say whatever you need to, have whatever silly conversation they initiate with great enthusiasm, and keep the charming energy at maximum power. After weeks of flirtatious messaging and letting them hear exactly what they want, it’s time to kick-off the grand finale. Organise a date – a romantic dinner at No. 7 Balmac (to demonstrate true culinary skill). Give them a time, say you’ve got it all booked in, and let them know just how excited you are for your special night with them. When they finally arrive at the venue, all nervous with butterflies fluttering around their stomach, that’s when it all happens.
You know that one scene in ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ when Chirag mogs on Greg by dressing up as his crush, summoning him into the art room, and then having the whole class jump out and laugh at him? Well that’s what we’re aiming for. Once they spot a figure seated at a distant table, matching the visual description of their love interest, you’ll turn around revealing that it’s been you all along. Then, quite ceremoniously, the others join in. As the target looks around in a disoriented panic, they’ll see all their friends and loved ones dispersed throughout the restaurant, all pointing and laughing uncontrollably at their embarrassment. Then in comes the staff. Cooks, bartenders, waiters, and waitresses all rush out from their stations, cheering and clapping, flipping and boogying, popping champagne and ferrying out rows of balloons from the kitchen area as ‘Baby I’m Yours’ by Breakbot and Irfane pumps from the speakers. What your flatmate rival thought was the romantic connection of a lifetime was really all just a ruse – an absurd ploy designed to put their very soul through a woodchipper, inhale the remnant shards, and vomit them into a scody campground long-drop. It’s cruel, but it’s justice; it’s heinous, but it’s kinda funny. It sends the perfect message to not only your unfortunate target, but to anyone else who might have dared to oppose you. You might make an enemy for life, but screw it, this is what happens when you frick up your flat cooking. Sometimes, there has to be consequences or we do not learn.
6. Go to the OUSA Student Support Hub.
I guess this is an option too.