Culture

Sometimes no amount of logical thinking, communication, or personal growth can save you. Sometimes you need something a bit stronger: a little divine intervention, a sprinkle of fairy dust, and true manifestation.

After years of research (and several misfortunate magical accidents), Critic Te Ārohi has compiled the most student-relevant potion recipes in all the land. So next time you’re dealing with one of these classic Dunners problems, get out your cauldron, stop crying and start mixing.

Love Potion For Getting a Breather To Commit

1. Collect 24 Summit Ultra can tabs in an Arc'teryx beanie.
2. From his pillow, take one lock of thy hair, and one strand that you’re pretty sure is yours even though it's blonde and you’re a brunette but it’s probably just the lighting.
3. Shine your phone screen into the beanie. On said screen should be Livvy Dunne’s most recent Instagram post – that they’ve already liked. 
4. Play the ‘Spotify Anthem’ from their Tinder profile, and chant an incantation composed of five excuses you’ve made for their behavior.
5. Wear this beanie for as many hours as your last Snapchat to them has been left on delivered.
6. Consider celibacy.

No Line At Rob Roy 

1. Open up your mind's eye. 
2. Envision a big black hole filled with snakes, sharks, expensive cheese and all the mush brewing at the bottom of your veggie drawer. 
3. Picture EVERY MOTHERFUCKER WHO HAS EVER FUCKING DARED TO GO TO THAT GOD FORSAKEN DAIRY, ON THE SAME AWFUL DAY, IN THIS SAME AWFUL PLACE AS YOU. HOW DARE THEY! THIS IS NOT A FREE COUNTRY!
4. Then picture them all simultaneously tripping through a crack in the pavement and falling into said black hole. 
5. Begin thou journey to Rob Roy. 

Scabies Prevention

1. Everyone in the flat must choose someone else to blame and chant their name three times while looking in their own reflection.
2. Soak a fragment of cloth in an entire can of bug spray and put said cloth in the dryer on the hottest setting for the entirety of your free power hours.
3. Hang whats left of this cloth over the front door of your flat. Just as a warning to the little fucks.

Nail A Midterm

1. For maximum potency, ensure you are at least 12 lectures behind.
2. Purchase four pink Monsters and use the quick-think-energy-juice to rinse out your sinuses (maximum brain proximity = maximum thought speed).
3. Spend four hours searching for past papers. You won’t find them.
4. Crash out.
5. Crash out with a friend.
6. Crash out with a friend, in central, and collect both of your blood, sweat and tears in one of the empty Monster cans.
7. Stalk the prof on LinkedIn, find their address, and bring your can of pain to their house.
8. Stand outside the front door and chant your student ID number as many times as there are MCQs in the test.
9. Leave the can in the mailbox and walk home feeling rejuvenated, mentally stimulated and smart as fuck. 
10. Repeat steps 3-7 for as long as procrastination allows.

Good Flat Relations

1. Ensure no one within two blocks of your flat has a Splitwise account.
2. Add a squirt of dishwashing liquid, a copy of your signed lease, a dash of wine goon, 20g of grated edam (for wine-and-cheese based bonding), and a cup of vodka to the communal blender. Blend said mixture into a paste.
3. Fold said paste into your next flat dinner. The only added taste should be a little extra love. 
4. Wash the blender up afterwards. Properly.