With Shrek 5’s teaser trailer finally out, it was only a matter of time before Critic Te Ārohi asked the important questions. Are you an emotionally stunted ogre? A professional yapper? Or just Lord Farquaad with a student loan? There's only one way to find out.
1. You’ve committed tax fraud and need to make a run for it to a land far, far away. Where do you start your new life?
a. People are after me! Obviously somewhere secluded and surrounded by nature – I’ll survive off the ground and my own hard work.
b. A quaint countryside town where I can enjoy a simple life. And if the police come knocking, I’ll be ready with a shotgun.
c. Mexico. I’ll get tight with the locals, and when the feds come for me, my chicas will save me.
d. A small town on the outskirts of France where I can start a passionate love-affair with the local post man.
e. With all the money I made from committing tax fraud, I’ll hire ten top-tier lawyers. They’ll never take me down.
2. You have to do a group project worth 50% of your grade. How are you going to tackle it?
a. I'm dropping the class.
b. I already know exactly how we’re going to do this assignment – everyone else just needs to handle their part.
c. I can already tell our group is going to be great friends! Before we start the assignment, we should definitely go out all together to build trust and teamwork.
d. I hope I’m in a group with my friends… and maybe a cute stranger to make charged eye contact with across the study room.
e. This is preposterous! I will be sending the professeur a minimum of 6 emails about how unfair this is while somehow also leaving all the work to my group mates.
3. A random 11-year old calls you an ugly chud on the street. What is your next step?
a. Grab them by the shoulders and give the brat a taste of their own medicine.
b. Grab the kid by their ear and drag them to their mother. She can deal with it.
c. Excuse me! I aint no chud, I am very cool. I am ugly though.
d. Look around to make sure no one's watching before throwing your iced coffee at it.
e. Call the police. Because how dare they.
4. You're walking home drunk after a huge night in the clubs. What is your go-to Octagon snack?
a. A sausage roll and a Coke spider from Night ‘n Day.
b. Two scoops of fish and chips with an unreasonable amount of ketchup.
c. Gummy worms and a couple more shots of vodka.
d. Ham and cheese on a roll, a small bag of chips, and an orange drink. If you know, you know ;)
e. A well-done steak with a side of garlic knots.
5. You have a four-hour gap in your timetable. What do you do?
a. Start walking home, but halfway there get dragged into a side quest and somehow miss the rest of my lectures.
b. I’d probably spend half of it having lunch with my friends, and the other half in the library pretending to do my readings while actually just watching Instagram reels.
c. Four hours isn't enough time. I need to have lunch with my friends, watch a movie, play some foosball, go to a club meeting, and go to a fees-free protest.
d. I have five lecture recordings I need to watch. But first, I need to buy a motivational matcha and sweet treat.
e. I have four assignments due at midnight. Better put them into ChatGPT.
Answers
Shrek
Mostly A’s
You’re the misunderstood, awkward protagonist. You like to claim you don't care what other people think of you, but you're actually (literally) a big softie who just wants some true friends. You love your personal space and privacy, and you’ll definitely lose your temper when people don’t respect it. You had a biting problem when you were a child and had to be isolated from the other kids – and it shows.
Fiona
Mostly B’s
You’re not what you seem, or maybe what you try to portray to the world – and that's okay. Your boyfriend is not to everyone's taste, but you fell in love with his honesty and kind heart. Your go-to cocktail is a Piña Colada and you always end a night out with your shoes off and only one fake eyelash still hanging on.
Donkey
Mostly C’s
You're the talkative, chaotic friend who's always down for an adventure. You have been called annoying and simple minded too many times to count, but deep (deeeep) down you're actually incredibly socially aware and the glue holding your friend group together. You're the type of person who insults people when you're drunk but you run away immediately if they start approaching.
Dragon
Mostly D’s
You're the protector of your friend group and are not afraid to scare someone off if need be. However, people are often shocked to discover how romantic and bashful you actually are. You spend way too long doing your hair and makeup in the morning, but still end up running out the door in a hoodie and sweatpants. You are definitely the friend that spams the group chat with 400 ‘you & me’ reels, which everyone complains about, but secretly loves.
Lord Farquaad
Mostly E’s
You’re the self appointed leader of every situation, even though no one asked you to be. While you appear to be pompous, self-righteous, and a little bit bigoted, you’re really just compensating for your complete lack of friends. Ironically, if you stopped seeing everyone else as beneath you, you might make some true friends. You have definitely started a sentence with, “to play devil's advocate” in a lecture, and no, the lecturer does not think you're the smartest one in the class because of it.
