The University of Otago is a strange and confusing place. Open a sciency door in Mellor Labs and somehow find yourself in a History lecture. A BCommer opens a glass door in the Business School, and a Theatre Studies class turns around. University is little more than staggering from strange doors to weird doors.
Fortunately, there already exists a framework for judging moral character: the Dungeons & Dragons Alignment Chart. Christians have the Ten Commandments. D&D players have a nine-square diagram. One of these groups has significantly more experience leaving the house.
Using this sacred taxonomy, I have traversed the campus in search of exemplars of every moral alignment. Critics have asked about my methodology. They have since been turned into doors themselves.
Lawful Good
Geology Building Front Doors
Aristotle once said that "Law is order, and good law is good order." But who cares what the old bum had to say? That's what I used to think, at least. Then I met the Geology Building front doors.
The entrance consists of two sets of double doors, yet rarely are both sets open at once – that would be sickly indulgence. Instead, one side remains unlocked or hooked open, creating a gentle dance of giving way and passing through. It has everything: a gorgeous green coat of paint, a silky smooth powered assist, and a perfect flow of egress and ingress. Like all truly lawfully good institutions, it quietly keeps civilization functioning while asking for nothing in return. We never notice the invisible hand keeping us on the straight and narrow, away from the craggy rocks of disorder. Nope, not talking about almighty God. Talking about a door.
Neutral Good
Staff Club Entrance
Wizened, oaken, and classy. This is the kindly old man of campus doors.
While anyone can dine in the Staff Club, it'll make you feel out of place. The experience begins with the entrance: an imposing door that suggests students are moments away from being politely ejected by a muscly butler. Instead, it’s automatic.
The Staff Club Entrance isn't snobby and elitist. Its imposing exterior simply ensures that only students willing to risk mild embarrassment enter. Admiring the chutzpah, the Staff Club is then very happy to say ‘Come in, old chum’, no matter who you are.
Chaotic Good
Zoology Department Front Door
Behind an imposing old oaken door opposite the School of Physiotherapy lies an interior that completely ignores the exterior. Stepping into the surprisingly modern interior, I was immediately smashed on the nose by a sweet scent — surely a floral delight straight out of the Botanical Gardens.
I accepted the call of the wild. Following the hallway brought me to a common room and a whiteboard ornate with extraordinary artistry: a muscly penguin with a box of Speights, a whale, a snake, and three fish in a trench coat – the head one smoking thoughtfully. That front door led me here, to this chaotic goodness.
Lawful Neutral
Saint David Complex Bathroom Doors
The Saint David Complex is one of the most chaotic buildings in the University of Otago. But the architect gods of Otago, to whom we soil ourselves in reverence, added an extra ingredient to the concoction. Law-fearing doors. Law-fearing as a verb though, not an adjective. These doors will make you fear their law.
I speak, of course, of the bathroom doors in the St Dave Complex next to Campus Watch HQ. Anyone in desperate need for a leak will be met with an unflinching, uncaring, immovable doors. Once you've finished what Sisyphus couldn't, you'll have sweet relief. Wrong! There's a second, equally formidable door. There is a lawfully neutral simplicity here: this is how it is, fuck you.
At Critic Te Ārohi, we love our charmingly boneheaded doors like we like our men — capable of thought, but abstinent.
True Neutral
Central Library Doors
These doors are a universal experience for university students. The everyman's door. True neutral, mayhaps.
These doors genuinely don't give a fuck. Much like a lollybag at the dairy, they look like the work of a maniac. Unlike a lollybag, they are boring and probably cost more than $2 to acquire. The museum-side doors are difficult to open whenever the moon enters its ascendant phase. There is a delicate social dance to using the button-opened exits.The Union entrance requires roughly five whole months of weight training before use.
There is something of each moral quadrant present: order, silly stuff, and the evil bathroom doors specifically designed to one day cause a near-fatal collision. You name it – Central has it
Chaotic Neutral
The Doors of Allen Hall Theatre
This veritable castle is the Jack Sparrow of doors. Sexy and mysterious — all while staggering around like a drunken sailor.
Whoever designed Allen Hall Theatre clearly possessed a mercenary free spirit, and drank many free spirits. In a giant trench beside it sits an unlabelled door leading to a subterranean computer room underneath the theatre. Turn left, and you're in the theatre. Turn right and, a few doors later, you're either in a library with no books, or a seminar room with books.
Ten detectives with powerful detective-issue binoculars couldn't count all the doors here. Allen Hall has earned its rights to be weird.
Lawful Evil
Law Library Staircase Doors
Roald Dahl famously wrote that a person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. I look at the oppressive Brutalist structure known as the Richardson, and know that both evil thoughts and evil doors lurk beyond.
The real entry to the Law Library is a rather inconspicuous stairwell door on the 8th-floor. This door has cleverly limited access, knowing no-one but the law cohort elite will either ask reception for directions or read the tiny map on the entry door.
Law students should spare a grateful thought for the tyranny of their doors, which deliver the necessary peace, quiet, and shame to all those who dare wander to find the Law Library.
Neutral Evil
Burns Building Elevator Lift Doors
Picture this: you want to reach the third floor. You see the elevator about to close, but there's a chance to make it! You miss it. That's a good thing.
Some malicious spirit just made those doors slam shut in a manner reminiscent of a machine labelled the Lose-Your-Arm 5000. There is a lazy amorality to the way these doors can "randomly" clang when they open and shut. The lazy amorality of a contract killer, methinks. Boom, neutral evil.
These doors don’t just ferry people up and down. No, they have another job – a hit job. Inside, you’ll find a notice explaining that the lift doesn't need to display proof of inspection and the most fiercely contested noticeboard on campus. Hopefully no-one will contract this door-for-hire.
Chaotic Evil
University of Otago College of Education Men's Bathroom
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.There is something spiritually fucked up about this bathroom, and morally deranged about the door for not warning people.
You'll be working on one of the most important tests of your life. You'll nip off to the loo, lulled into a false sense of security by the normal changing room outside. You'll open the bathroom door. You’ll die an immediate death by piss scent inhalation. This tale of woe, is a tale of me.
Maybe I've not had enough thrilling life experiences yet, but this eye-watering, putrid gas smells even more vile than the real thing. Some doors just want to watch the world burn. For now, your nostrils will do.
