In a shocking display of coordinated corruption, OUSA President Daniel Leamy and Te Rōpū Māori Tumuaki Takirua Jarna Flintoff and Sami Harrison Dunn have allegedly fooled and deceived the hard-working student body. Critic Te Ārohi would say this is the biggest scandal to hit campus, but someone probably stole a road cone while you were reading this.
Critic first caught wind of their misgivings while perusing Facebook Marketplace for a new couch at the start of the semester (#RIP). Nestled between “Flat couch (smoker household)” and “Free mattress. No questions please,” we stumbled across an advertisement displaying the president’s faces.
“WANTED: SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE US.”
With a caption like that, tickle us intrigued. The role offered a generous pay package, boasting an hourly rate that was eight dollars below minimum wage (similar to what Politics Rep Flynn Nisbett gets per hour) plus a “taxable monthly income”, which is either a real phrase or something invented by someone who failed BSNS111. Sources close to Critic confirm President Leamy has passed the paper before, adding to the shocking evidence uncovered.
Dumbfounded, Critic put on our investigative hat, auto-responded with “Hey, is this available?” and waited – all in the name of justice for students.
Sixty-seven gruelling minutes later, the account responded with a bombshell of a generic reply. Successful applicants would be required to attend meetings, take notes, respond to emails, give media comments, and handle all administrative tasks the student representatives “couldn’t be stuffed doing.” In their words: “We’re looking for someone to do our jobs while we keep the clout. And some profit.”
At first, Critic assumed this was the work of one rogue president. But as our investigation continued, it became clear this was bigger than Leamy. This was a coordinated OUSA–TRM operation, taking advantage of the good will (and desperation for money) of studious Otago tauira. A student leadership Ponzi scheme (whatever that means, Ponzi just sounds cool). A body-double bureaucracy. Watergate, but with popularity at stake.
Shockingly, the job description did not require the lookalike to attend University Council meetings in Leamy’s place. After talking with OUSA Association Secretary and Corporate Support Manager Donna Jones, Critic believes this is because Leamy “enjoys bro-ing out” with his fellow University Council members. These members are likely Chancellor Trish Oakley and former Labour Party MP Hon Dr David Clark, whom Leamy is connected with on LinkedIn. What could they possibly be talking about behind the closed doors of the clock tower?
Before Critic could enquire further, the account initiated a Facebook Messenger video call. Critic caught a split second of someone in an Oodie, a poorly lit bedroom, and what appeared to be three Google Calendars open at once before the call abruptly ended.
Moments later, Critic received a message insisting the listing was “just a joke” and that we should “not deep it.”
Naturally, we got critical. That is literally our whole thing.
The following day, Leamy stopped by the Critic office to remind us that OUSA controls all the funding for Critic — and how lovely it is that he is the President of OUSA. Critic designer (and Executive mole) Ash McFarlane agreed, nodding in the way people do when their best friend is spitting straight cap.
Afraid of the repercussions, (rumour has it the presidents have the power to ban students from $5 lunch), Critic Te Ārohi did what any principled publication would do: we briefly relinquished our journalistic integrity and kept our mouths shut.
For now.
These threats didn’t stop Critic from ruthlessly pursuing this investigation. We’ve lawyered up, watched a TED Talk on power poses, and read the first three sentences of the Wikipedia page for defamation. Nothing can stop us, except maybe defamation, because we couldn’t be fucked reading the whole article.
What Critic is sure of though is the irrefutable evidence we uncovered.
On Saint Patrick’s Day, Leamy was spotted by Critic video operation members at both Lakehouse and Transit — at the same time. These exclusive photographs captured him at 8:45 am at Transit, and again at 8:49 am at Lakehouse. Unless Deceitful Daniel is hiding something bigger that would break the fabric of time and space, the President has successfully hired a doppelgänger. Or he can teleport, which would explain how he gets to so many meetings and still has the energy to go to Pint Night.
Jarna and Sami have proven even harder to pin down. Critic has received reports of them appearing at the Māori Centre, Union Lawn, the Link, an OUSA meeting, and three separate hui within the same hour. At first, we assumed this was possible because of coffee and an e-scooter. Until we realised they were way too cool to ever be seen on an e-scooter (unlike Leamy).
Our suspicions grew after an anonymous source sent Critic a screenshot of a shared calendar titled “Definitely Not A Doppelgänger Roster”.The calendar allegedly contained entries such as “attend meeting”, “attend $5 lunch in a perusing the options kinda way”, “reply before 5pm”, and “Daniel backup: wear quarter-zip”.
Critic cannot verify the authenticity of the screenshot. But it was colour-coded, and frankly, that feels incriminating. Colour-coding is what people do when they have either nothing to hide or far too much to hide.
We are not saying Daniel, Jarna, and Sami created a shadow executive of lookalikes to preserve their public image while any semblance of work they promised to do when elected. Critic firmly believes that no student ‘politician’ should be able to attend that many meetings, answer emails before 5pm, appear in that many photos, and still remember where they put the keys to their offices.
Draw your own conclusions.
Critic Te Ārohi will continue investigating this matter as it develops. If you have any leads, sightings, or photographic evidence of additional duplicates, please get in touch with TickleMonster1979 on the Castle26 Facebook page. The future of student democracy is at stake.
