Yay! The olds are heading over for a visit to our little slice of heaven. Here at Critic Te Ārohi, we have 101 years worth of uni experience, so of course we’ve got some advice. We’re here to help you seem like a functioning student, make the most of their visit, and actually see Dunedin beyond your flat and campus.
If your relationship with your parents isn't exactly wholesome Facebook-core, or this visit is filled with obligation rather than excitement: we see you. This guide still applies – just maybe with lower expectations and a better exit plan.
The Cleanup
First things first: hide yo shit.
If you plan to have the fam over, clean up. We recommend you give them the grand tour – the nicer the flat looks, the less they’ll be worried you’re living in the trenches of North D that the news shows. Even if you are in the trenches, maybe they’ll feel bad if you put a bow on some mould and get you some Mould Off. Making the most of something awful always garners parental sympathy.
Anything even remotely questionable needs to be out of sight – in a flatmate’s room, or with a friend. Don’t rely on your laundry hamper or a random draw. They will look in every hallway closet, every bathroom cabinet, and every pantry level (“God, you don’t have much space, do you?”) so third party spots are a match for a nosey parent.
Take down those controversial posters, give your room a dust (shock, horror), and do a quick audit of the flat photo-wall. If there is anything that contradicts the image of you as the studious machine you describe yourself as on the phone – burn it. An impending parent visit is also prime time for the flat to lock in and clean the mountain of dishes in the sink. Two birds, one stone.
When they arrive, act like your freshly cleaned flat is the standard and not a one off – no one needs to know. Work the situation. If they say your flat looks ‘livable’, complain about the high rent you pay to live in a nicer place and how unaffordable groceries are as a result. If they say your flat looks ‘unliveable’, start listing the bad things. Rats. Mould. Condensation. Dragon’s breath from mid-April. Stains.
Reaping The Rewards
Now that your flat looks closer to a show home than a pigstye (briefly), it’s time to cash in. Use your parents being here as an excuse to do the things you normally never would. Ideally, they’re driving – free transport is half the win. You can relive being a kid in the backseat of their car, happy just to be along for the ride.
If you played your cards right at the flat and your folks are the type to help out, an empty pantry might mysteriously turn into a stocked one. If not – at least you’ve got a ride to Pak’nSave and a break from your usual routine. If you can play your cards right, time a grocery shout for when you desperately need brownie points in the flat – there’s nothing free food can’t fix.
Nothing beats the gift of free groceries or the scenic trip to South D, but wrangling your parents through Pak’nSave’ at peak hours sure does work up an appetite. So push it – suggest somewhere nicer than your usual ReBurger/Boss Pizza rotation. Try hitting up the classic Speights Ale house, or one of the boujee restaurants in the Octagon like Vault or Prohibition Steakhouse if you aren’t into a hearty pub meal. Our top tip is getting on the First Table grind to really impress them with the hacks you’ve learnt to make the student budget stretch – you get 50% off your food bill for up to four people.
For the daytime, somewhere with a solid scone and a good coffee also goes a long way in convincing your parents you have developed taste in your early adulthood – ADJØ is a good one to get them seeing the revamped George Street. North Islanders? Introduce them to cheese rolls from one of the many Bakehouse on Bond locations. It's essentially a cultural exchange.
Experience a ‘Facebook-Worthy’ Moment
Once fed, it’s time to show them you're absolutely thriving at the arse end of the South Island. Think: places worthy of a Facebook post. For parents, that’s basically the same as you planning a main story post on Instagram. Hell – if you wanna go a step further, post on your story and tag your mum. A cute mummy and me selfie goes platinum in any family group chat. You know they go crazy for that kinda stuff.
Luckily for us, Ōtepoti gives us plenty of options that don’t even open the break, let alone break it. Easy wins include St Clair, Tunnel Beach, the Botanical Gardens, Mt Cargill and the Signal Hill Lookout. If they do have a car, try slightly further out spots like Arc Brewery or Carey’s Bay Hotel. Do your research and try to find the spot that will impress your whānau the most. If they are animal lovers, try and see if sea lions are about at Sandfly Bay.
But if you know your parents will fork out to see something cool (take note for future grad presents), try Larnach Castle, the Albatross Centre, one of the many museums or an Emersons (or Speights) Brewery tour with a lot of bevs at the end. Essentially, the further they are away from your flat at night, the less eyebrows will be raised at the lack of warmth and non-stop DnB blaring at all hours.
And while it may seem mundane to us, take the visitors for a quick whiz around campus. That Clock Tower is world famous, after all. If you study science, take your parents through Mellor labs to impress them with all the cool gadgets and shit. Likewise, business students should take their parents for a whirl around the foyer. This helps create the impression you're hard at work in world-class facilities, not online shopping from a basement seminar room with no natural light.
After this, you could take them to one of the many scarfie classics, like Rob Roy or Poppa’s Pizza. Or you should go out to eat at one of the many yummy places outside of the bubble that is North Dunedin. We have too many. Our favourites? The Jitzu, The Esplanade, No. 7 Balmac, Vault 21 and Exhibit Smokehouse.
They’re Gone Already?
And just like that, they’re gone. Walking around the flat, down the road to uni and sitting in a lecture theatre might now feel empty without the presence of family by your side. Take this time as a reminder to text your loved ones more, and that distance makes the heart grow fonder. What was likely a boring day to you is something they can’t wait to hear about, even if it leads to an hour and a half of lost time listening to your mum yap on about the ‘issues with the garden circle girls.’
All jokes aside, is a nice change from the daily drag of Uni. Many of us were once fresh-faced first years, fizzing to move out and wave goodbye to our hometowns. But after a while, you crave those comforts of home – especially when living in a shitty flat that’s Pavlov’d you into getting butterflies when 9pm draws near. In the depths of assignments and tests, a hug and some quality time can do wonders for mental health, and serve as a reminder that North D is one big bubble with a whole world outside of it.
Whether your relationship with your family members is best-friend level, or more like a sitcom that’s gone on for too many seasons, don’t let the care and intention of their visit to Dirty Dunners get lost on you. Just be sure to warn your flatmates not to overshare any particularly heinous uni stories!
