Culture

I spent the semester break trawling through census data and am confident I can accurately guess what you study based on how you answer the following questions. If I get it wrong, it says more about whether you’re in the right degree than my powers of generalisation.

1. How’s your dating life going?

1. I’m too busy for a dating life outside of the occasional situationship
2. Torn between testing whether I’m actually bisexual and lusting after Pedro Pascal
3. Locked down in a long-term relationship and giving my single friends dating advice
4. Tinder is bleak, I’m sick of small talk, and my bio is definitely spicier than I am in real life
5. I have more hoes on the go than my friends know about, one in each port
6. Been making an effort to go on dates and overshare at parties about the latest updates (like that one guy who called my vagina a Bob Ross painting)

2. What sort of student are you?

1. I treat it like a full-time job to the point of unironically saying ‘TGIF’ (then working over the weekend anyway)
2. I keep a balanced lifestyle but knuckled down for exams (AKA hand-writing bootcamp, fucking ow)
3. I don’t often go to my lectures but mainly study from either the Marsh or Central Lib
4. I’ve become increasingly reliant on ChatGPT to summarise course readings to keep up with the workload
5. Go to all my lectures in person, except for that one time I slept through my 8am class alarm
6. An increasingly nervous one as graduation looms. Might take a panic post-grad to avoid the job market a bit longer

3. Describe your flatting sitch.

1. We hardly see each other, the main communication is through bills, messages in the group chat and “friendly reminders” on the communal whiteboard about dishes and fridge space
2. We spend so much time together that the semester break was probably a good excuse for a detox (love them though) and air out the sour smell of old wine bottles
3. We get on except for arguments over power use and someone’s partner who practically lives there
4. A passive-aggressive Cold War. We’re all waiting to see how big the recycling pile gets before one flatmate realises they were meant to take it out a month ago
5. We have regular movie nights which are pretty fun (David Attenborough is a fave) and I’m the designated spider catcher
6. Surprisingly healthy! Flat meals have been a wholesome way to get to know the Facebook marketplace randoms

4. What’s your party style?

1. I’ll usually sip at the two drinks I brought to pres (one per pocket), sober drive my mates to the Octagon and turn in early but have the occasional big send
2. Pint Night loyalist despite often ending up crying in the bathroom and ruining my clothes in the humidity, and going to the odd Crown gig to honour the Dunedin Sound
3. Slowly working my way through all the RTDs at Leith Liquor, parking up every weekend with brews before seeing where the wind takes us (a bag, probably)
4. 21st royalty at this point but only going hard for my besties (I’ll die otherwise)
5. I love an adventure – the more people I meet and nicher the conversations, the better
6. BYOs and potlucks are my new favourite thing. Any excuse to get silly on the wines and hang out with the people I love, really

5. How do you prefer to spend time with friends?

1. A Peninsula mish when we get the chance
2. Browsing second-hand shops like Static Age or Hard To Find Books
3. Doesn’t need to be anything crazy, just hanging out in each other’s flats is nice for the company and yarns
4. Going out for coffee and having a big gossip or vent
5. Probably a sesh if I’m going to be honest
6. Either a hike or games night depending on the mood

7. What’s your hot take?

1. Library sniffers and coughers are selfish
2. You can be friends with your exes but not people with starkly opposing political views
3. Uni papers aren’t that hard to pass and eggs should be cheaper
4. The use of AI is immoral and will rot society’s critical thinking skills
5. I did not care for the Shrek movies and small talk sucks
6. It’s rude of my unrequited crush to flirt with me

8. What sort of Critic reader are you?

1. Makes for a good toilet read. The weird bong piece, the presidential scandal photoshoot, and that Ritalin feature have been highlights
2. My flat is plastered in Critic art (rip the ocean centrefold). We especially loved the Wizard and the music issue Clash centrefold
3. The horoscopes have lowkey predicted major life events and the booze review provides a reliable laugh
4. The investigative features and news articles are pretty cool – actual journalism. Oh and the debatables are entertaining
5. I like the quirky shit that you wouldn’t find anywhere else. Also, Critic should definitely bring back Moaningful Confessions
6. I do the crossword religiously and the only article I can remember was that Castle St baby one called Fuckwit

Answers

Mostly As: Health Science/Med

Your friends tease you for the amount of hours you spend at the library and for getting twitchy around anyone with cold symptoms, but you can’t afford to get sick (again). Two-minute noodles are your best friend and some of your most heated arguments with friends have been over the correct way to cook them. Your sex life has been a bit dry lately, but at least you can be confident in knowing where the clit is or how to find the G-spot. Exercise is the most effective mood-booster, so you train that dog in you through rain or shine and have either developed a dependency on pre-workout or consider it to be the devil.

Mostly Bs: Arts

Life is all about balance, baby. You’re passionate about your studies (except that one dud paper), are often the initiator for friend group plans, and are constantly taking up new hobbies like crochet or climbing. People without interests are dull. Over the break, you made an effort to reset after a big semester: picking up a book you’d always been meaning to read (The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath), hanging out with your family (gently explaining how to use they/them pronouns), going on some grounding nature walks, and op-shop restocking your wardrobe for your flatties to steal from.

Mostly Cs: Commerce

When life gets you down in the dumps, you simply strap on a pair of running shoes and slap pavement to the beat of house music. Fuck it, you might even sign up for the Dunedin marathon this year. You’ve spent an alarming amount of time on TikTok over the break watching Reddit stories, practically live in your puffer jacket, have grown an emotional attachment to your hot water bottle, and will probably end up living in one of NZ’s big cities if you stay in the country after grad. Either this describes you to a T or you’re resentful of being lumped under the same stereotype yet again.

Mostly Ds: Law

You’re the queen of multi-tasking and think that doing things one at a time is inefficient – you brush your teeth on the toilet, listen to podcasts while cleaning the flat, and write essays as you cook dinner. While efficient, you can become so focused on the task at hand that your coffee grows cold, often being microwaved multiple times before finishing. Strangers at parties are at risk of being pulled into a rant about the supermarket duopoly or whether the MMP system is still fit for purpose, debating skills you’ve probably applied to a letter to the editor. But one more tequila shot and you become the life of the goddamn party, before crashing in your beautifully curated (but often messy) bedroom. 

Mostly Es: Science

Science students, you’re the dark horses of the student population. Arts students get the credit for their creativity, but you bring a chaotic zest for life to the mix. On a semester break roadie, you’ll be the one to play tour guide, the first to strip down for a mid-winter skinny dip, and then cheekily bring out a vacuum-packed bag of mushies. Time to reconnect with Papatūānuku and each other. You’re often going down rabbit holes of random studies, articles and podcasts; are fairly savvy with your money (always buy second-hand); and are a notorious procrastinator, preferring to people watch from St Dave’s than write another fucking report.

Mostly Fs: Education

Doom scrolling has started to take a toll on you, and you’ve been trying to beat the winter blues (and successive gear comedowns) by exposing yourself to less depressing news. Your friendly demeanor means you’re often the friend in the know, but it can also mean strangers at parties or in town feel too comfortable revealing their deepest secrets with you. Tupperware is a passion, as is your eclectic collection of mugs to facilitate that caffeine habit – mainly instant, but you allow yourself the occasional barista-made treat. If you get round to those travel plans, it’ll definitely include a stint volunteering in some mountain villages in the middle of fucking nowhere and wearing nothing but clothes you found at a hippie market.