Jokes about Doc-wearing, threesome-having bisexual femmes are as low hanging as ragging on breathas for the mullet-moustache combo. While the copy and paste breatha look at festivals means some stereotypes often have a basis in truth, stereotypes can also be exaggerated or distorted in ways that can be harmful. This is especially true for marginalised communities such as the LGBTQ+ community. Though stereotypes around style or appearance can be pretty harmless, negative assumptions can feed internalised homophobia – and bisexual femmes can cop a lot of this.
Critic Te Ārohi ran a survey of 17-25 year olds who identify as bisexual femmes (non-binary, cis or trans women attracted to more than one gender). The top stereotypes experienced were certain expectations around style and appearance (62%); that bisexual femmes were just “confused” (76%); and that they weren’t “valid” unless they’d dated multiple genders (74%).
One of the most harmful stereotypes is the assumption that bisexuals are simply confused, that they need to pick a side, or that they’re just “taking the easy way” into the queer community, only to come out as gay later down the line. This entirely invalidates bisexuality as an identity, instead treating it as a phase or an experiment. One respondent watched their friend immediately swipe away a bisexual woman on Tinder, saying that she didn’t want to “be anyone’s experiment.” While sexuality is fluid and it can take time to properly understand this aspect of your identity, even this questioning stage does not equate to confusion. One reply to the survey we conducted just read, “The only thing I’m confused about is maths.” While a lot of bisexual femmes are in this boat and are self-assured about their sexual identity, even those still trying to work it out don’t actually owe you a label.
Similarly, a lot of people don’t see bisexuals as valid unless they have dated multiple genders. So often the authenticity of someone’s bisexuality is questioned if they haven’t had a committed queer relationship or queer sexual experience. The horror stories for this one are also endless: from a guy ending a relationship and saying his ex could now explore her “repressed gay side” (despite knowing she had dated women in the past), to being told you’re straight now the second you’re in a committed relationship with a guy. Dismissing bisexual femmes for their experiences, or lack thereof, and demanding ‘proof’ of their sexuality is just evidence of people doing anything to avoid accepting that you can like more than one gender.
A small disclaimer for this next stereotype: this writer is a bisexual woman with bangs, a nose piercing, a tattoo, Docs, and she thrifts most of her clothes. This aside, style is not an accurate indicator of bisexuality. At the sight of a femme with a dyed wolf cut on a TikTok FYP, it’s habit to check for the #wlw, just like it can be a habit to check for piercings, cuffed jeans, and the telltale yellow seam of Docs in public. Style is a huge aspect of how people, especially young people, portray ourselves. Through our appearance we can send signals to others, especially in communities where tiny details have significance – like which side a lesbian wears a carabiner on. However, whether or not someone actually conforms to these societal expectations is not an indication of their sexuality. For one respondent, their preference of dressing “in a more masc way” means that they often “find themselves having to 'come out' as bi” because people assume they only like women. This kind of assumption based only on style is entirely useless and inaccurate.
Another harmful stereotype is the way in which bisexual femmes are heavily oversexualised – a contributing factor to the increased rates of sexual violence that they experience on average. Sure, bisexual femmes are awesome, and cool, and the best (totally not biased) but the culture around sexualising them even beyond the standard misogynistic sexualisation of women is, to put it clearly, weird and gross. People experience this oversexualisation to varying levels. Straight girls wanting to kiss when they’re wasted and then refusing to be friends with you because you simply must have a crush on them – think Clare from Derry Girls: “I’m not interested in you like that – look at the state of you!”. Guys telling you it doesn’t count as cheating to kiss your girlfriends, but hey, can he watch? One reply to the survey put it best when they said that being bisexual “is not ‘hot’ it’s literally just who I am and it’s not for you, you creep.”
On a similar note, bisexuals – and especially bisexual femmes – are considered to be ‘sluttier’ than other sexual identities. 47% of respondents had been accused of being promiscuous based on their sexuality, and 38% had even been considered likely to cheat because of it. The insecurity of partners on this basis is evident in the survey replies. One had an ex-boyfriend accuse her of cheating with not just one but two of the girls she was friends with and one of the guys. He ended up slashing her tires and trying to “bash one of the girls.” A different respondent’s dad told them that “when you’re in a relationship with a bisexual you're never safe from being cheated on.” The insecurity from this stereotype can develop into attitudes and actions like this that are seriously dangerous and all round just fucked up. Another bisexual woman noted that she’s “twice as likely to cheat on my partner because I’m a hoe, not because I’m a bisexual.”
Let's talk threesomes. Despite this writer having an award to her name for one (it’s a Selwyn thing, don’t ask), she has never had a threesome. And, like 55% of respondents, she’s been asked fairly often if she has, or if she’d be willing to (usually in a foul context). The assumption that bisexual femmes are automatically keen for a threesome is genuinely harmful, contributing to the oversexualisation stereotype and the rates of sexual violence. One respondent noted that they’ve been told that women are only bisexual to make men like them more because they think they’ll be down for a threesome. Another respondent had a guy tell her that “in order to prove she wouldn’t cheat on him, she had to have a threesome with him.”
These stereotypes have developed over time into biphobia and discrimination. Not only from the general population, but there is also a huge amount of biphobia from within the LGBTQ+ community. As one respondent pointed out, stereotypes and erasure that come from within the queer community “ignores the structural systems that ACTUALLY oppress us.”
On another note, a lot of respondents added that religious environments they grew up in were hugely biphobic. Their sexualities weren’t taken seriously and some were even actively rejected and excluded. One respondent recounted a story of coming out and being taken to a youth group by their friends in year ten to “pray the bisexuality” out of her. Not only that, the girl who suggested it sent multiple messages to her saying she was “going to hell” and “needed to accept Jesus.” That girl is now also queer.
Overall, these stereotypes can develop from internalised biphobia to treating people like complete shit. The constant urge to define people with labels and assumptions like these can be really harmful to the LGBTQ+ community – from deducing someone is queer based on their footwear, to oversexualising them to the point of assault. One respondent summed it up perfectly: “It can get fucking exhausting being bisexual – having to explain myself at every turn or justify my own existence to friends or family. Being openly bi means growing a thick skin to deal with a whole lotta bullshit!” Wearing Docs doesn’t mean that someone’s confused, and it definitely doesn’t mean they want to sleep with you or your mates.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to complete the survey associated with this piece. Critic Te Ārohi is really sorry that you went through those things, aroha nui xoxo