Disclaimer: I mean no offence, please don’t fail me. Nothing but respect for academics <3
Law
Starting strong, law lecturers have known who they are from a young age. Law school was such a war for them that they have harboured that pain within them – determined to take it out on the next generation, and they want to look good while they do it. Law lecturers are training up their students to be mini versions of themselves – pretentious and well aware of it, but hey, they dress with class.
Philosophy
Honestly, philosophy lecturers are doing their best. They were once sitting in their own philosophy class dreaming of all the insights they would someday make as the second coming of Aristotle. Everyone said that philosophy is valuable because it shows employers you can really think. No one said pursuing a career in philosophy is as close to a pyramid scheme as academia comes – pretty much the only job prospect is indoctrinating the next round of students. They love it though, can’t fault that.
Politics
Look, there's a lot to talk about in any contemporary politics course, and it must get pretty depressing. Lecturers' attempts to appease the sheer number of US exchange students in their class before they start ripping into everything America has ever done are about as effective at minimising the insult as my disclaimer was at the top of this article.
Physio
Physio lecturers are really just trying to make their students feel comfortable – it can be tough having to get so intimately acquainted at physio camp. These lecturers are trying to form long term relationships with their students, training them up to form long term relationships with their clients – admittedly, it takes a lot to work one on one with people for so long.
Medicine
Med lecturers are tired. Not as tired as their students, but tired. They’ve started using funnels as prop stethoscopes to prompt engagement, and can’t comprehend how med students manage to drink so much and still attend class. These lecturers are extremely careful not to ask their students what happened in first year to ensure the note burning rumours don’t resurface.
Psychology
Psych lecturers are used to everyone dropping their courses after first year when they realise it isn’t a shortcut to analysing and manipulating everyone who ever hurt them. They try to keep the rest hanging on by making class as engaging as possible and bringing up fun experiments, without mentioning that these aren't allowed anymore because of ‘ethics’. They hope that explaining what ketamine does to your brain will convince students not to take it (too bad students were skipping class to go do ket on Castle all of ReO).
English
English lecturers knew exactly what they were in for from the start, and still chose this career. They do it for the love of the game, and this love comes across in their classes and their outfits. They’ve got the creativity to serve every day, and they’re holding on to a generation of dying attention spans by recommending we set foot in bookshops whenever we can. Nostalgic for the good old days when people actually read, their style hasn’t caught up with the times either – which is why they dress the same as your English teacher from high school.
Chemistry
The difference between first year chemistry and beyond that is stark. First year, the lecturers are just trying to keep their students vaguely mentally sane. After that though? Those still there really love what they’re doing, and the lecturers reward it with total dedication to their craft.
Sport science
P.E. was their favourite subject in school and the second they learned they could keep those good vibes going, exercise and sport science became their life. They still show up to lectures with a course outline in a sports bag along with sweaty shorts and a half drunk bottle of Powerade.
Nutrition
No one has their shit together better than nutrition lecturers (and food science – is there really a difference?) The definition of athleisure, these lecturers are almond mums at heart, and they just want everyone to please, God, put down the Purple Gs. They sometimes snack on vegetables in class to subtly lead by example, and are considering setting up a free fruit basket like supermarkets do.
Business
There are more reported sightings of Grant Roberston eating in the Link than business lecturers in Dunedin – not because they don’t exist, just because no one is ever at their classes. If even one student can tell them the law of supply and demand, they celebrate by giving everyone a pass. But BComs aren’t a joke. The lecturers do really care, but when their lectures are practically podcasts for students cramming 24 hours before the final exam, why bother with the outfit?
Dentistry
You’d think dentists were oysters the way they take pride in their pearl(y whites). Few people are as genuinely proud of themselves as dentistry students, a mindset firmly engrained in them by their lecturers. Just as dentist offices are overwhelmingly white, dentistry lecturers are overwhelmingly enthusiastic about their degree, leaving little time to develop an outfit of substance. The concept of a ‘work-life balance’ does not exist in the vocabulary of these lecturers, and they’re trying to keep it hush hush so their students don’t find out about it either.
Surveying
No one is totally sure what they’re doing in these classes, and the lecturers have worked out how to keep the students focused on themselves so they don’t realise the lecturers don’t know either. Despite ‘land surveying’ being fairly self-explanatory, they still need equipment worth thousands of dollars, and they feel really good about giving hungover students free range with it. They really want you to know that surveying is a profession not a trade, and have you seen the pay?
Performing arts
They assure their students every day this isn’t a cult – their students really don’t mind either way. Their show family truly means the world to them, they feel every graduation like a prop gunshot. Perpetually decked out in shirts from old Capping Shows, they are beyond sick of Critic ragging on them (sorry guys).