Over the last three months I’ve been asking my friends, friends of friends, distant associates, and girls I’d met ten minutes ago in the bathroom how they lost their virginity. I was surprised at how many women were open about it and happy to yap – some with nice wholesome experiences, some with some absolute atrocities. From these conversations it was clear that every experience was unique. Losing your virginity, especially for women, is very rarely the romanticised perfect scenario of roses on the bed after prom night with your long-term boyfriend that you love very much. Instead there's a lot of fumbling around, fake moaning, blood or pain, and dubious consent. To illustrate this point, and make some of you feel better about your own experiences, here are three virginity horror stories that will make your toes curl (and not in a good way).
The Almost Threesome
Rachel’s* first time was supposed to be a threesome (launching into sexual activity at full speed, gotta rate it). Unfortunately, a complication with one of the participant’s “weird situationships” meant she couldn’t join in, leaving Rachel and her best friend Diane* piss drunk in a bedroom in first-year halls – alone and raring to go. Rachel was on her period, but hey, that stops nothing but a sentence – Diane ate her out anyway. Awkwardly, Diane’s ex-girlfriend entered the room and Rachel made full eye contact with her while Diane remained obliviously tongue deep. Rather than join in, Rachel says the ex opted to “sit there and lesbian cock block.” This killed the mood faster than your partner saying ‘what the helly’ unironically. Diane went to pee, but passed out on the floor on her voyage to the loo. Instead of lying in bed pining for her missing lover, Rachel also conked out.
Rachel’s rating: 6/10. Not bad for being covered in blood in front of witnesses.
Blood Bath
Freshly fifteen, Trixie* donned her cropped black v-neck sweater, green plaid mini skirt with the little slit in the side, and chequered Vans (nothing says 2020 more), and headed off to make some sweet loving. The first time she had tried to sleep with this particular boy it had been straight after school and his mother had rudely interrupted the proceedings. Brave enough to run it back anyway, Trixie arrived at 11am (“or some fucking mentalist time like that”) and he met her on the driveway – not with a “hello” but with his tongue in her mouth. They were upstairs and naked before any conversation was had. Trixie in doggy, he was just trying to “y’know, get in”. Trixie wondered if this was what reverse childbirth would feel like. Despite her numerous “ows”, he kept pushing all the way in, committed to this now that his mother wasn’t involved (Freud would be gutted).
For three magical thrusts, Trixie actually enjoyed herself. Then the blood began. It was a “full period all at once,” one covering his sheets, his duvet, and his mattress. “To this day I could still draw the shape of the stain,” Trixie says. Having lied about being a virgin, Trixie doubled down and accused him of starting her period. He told Trixie that maybe it wasn’t their time as she continued to bleed in his bathroom. Hoping to escape, he excused himself by saying he had to go skateboarding with his friends. She dressed herself, and went on her merry way, trailing blood behind her like an injured snail. From start to finish the whole experience lasted 25 minutes.
Trixie’s rating: 8/10. Rest easy boys: three thrusts clearly go a long way.
Doggy or just dogshit?
Auckland town, and eighteen-year old Belinda* has just locked eyes with a guy across the bar. Within twenty minutes he was inviting her back to his house and she’s texting her parents her location and telling them she won’t be home that night (incredible parental leniency, especially given the direction her night was about to take). He drove them, drunk, forty five minutes out of the city. When they arrived at his house, she discovered that his mattress was on the floor. But if his drunk-driving wasn’t an issue, this certainly wasn’t going to be. Belinda pushed through, managing everything except penetration. Her body was nervous – “nothing was getting in there that night.” Her mans didn’t know she was a virgin.
The next morning consisted of an awkward conversation over chicken McNuggets. “Oh shit are you in high school?” “Yeah.” “I’m 25, but as long as you’re 18 then that's fine.” Matter settled, they successfully had sex on the floor, which she described as “actually pretty good.” A quick beach trip to walk his dog followed. Then, as the obvious logical next step, he offered her cocaine. She politely declined, choosing to continue enjoying the beer and V concoction that they’d been drinking all morning. She helped him move flats while his dogs remained in the backseat, carsick, throwing up, and shitting all down the seats.
Continuing their day’s adventure, he told her he had to “do something real quick”, and did she mind? He fingered her while driving – it was a yes from Belinda. They arrived at his friend's house, who was late, drunk, and unable to start his car. She noticed that it was wired with a breathalyser after a DUI. What a great crowd she’d gotten herself into. She then witnessed “a drug deal, I guess.” Belinda wasn’t phased. They had sex again.
Belinda’s rating: 8/10. Unreal considering how poorly this could’ve gone. The definition of doing it for the plot.
There's a fuck ton of stigma around virginity – if you’ve lost it, when you lost it, and how you lost it. All of this bullshit is only amplified for women. When it really comes down to it, virginity is a social construct surrounded by double standards and misogyny. The emphasis and value that you choose to place on your particular experience is entirely up to you – whether you use it as your icebreaker at parties, or pretend it never happened. It only counts if you want it to. And hey, at least there wasn’t a dog with diarrhoea involved.
*Names changed.