Archive

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | The Wedding Singer

Posted 7:04pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In the last review I wrote, I talked about how Adam Sandler’s filmography can be divided into Old Age and New Wave. After diving into New Wave Sandler with Grown Ups, it seems only reasonable to take it back a notch, to let’s say 1985, to examine peak Old Age Sandler. Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Urinated All Over Tauranga

Posted 6:18pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. This week the ODT is reporting on some ground-breaking research,       In sinister news,     I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings; I know how this ends.      Next, the ODT wrote a front page story about Read more...

Let’s Talk About Syphilis

Posted 5:28pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Doctor Sash

Back in the day, syphilis was one of the most common sexually transmissible infections (STIs), with around 1 in 10 people contracting it. Without treatment syphilis can kill, in fact it was responsible for the deaths of Oscar Wilde and Al Capone. Thankfully along came penicillin, which can cure the Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook | Gnocchi

Posted 5:26pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Gnocchi has got to be just about the most filling thing on the face of the planet. No matter how much you think you’re gonna need, you’re going to be feeling like UBar on Wednesday before you get halfway through your plate.  The thing about gnocchi is that you can pretty much Read more...

If You See A Mate Drinking Atlas Super Strong 12%, Call The Poison Hotline

Posted 5:20pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help. By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Read more...

Love Is Blind | Caitlin and Cam

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Caitlin About a year ago I sent Critic a drunk Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Adopted Outdated Yorkshire Idiom

Posted 11:11pm Sunday 8th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome back. In case you missed it, the ODT have been up to their old tricks over the break. Yip. You missed nothing.      So the ODT has a column called “Ask a Scientist” where readers send in questions and a scientist answers them. Or apparently just Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

That’s right, you guessed it. It’s a new semester, a new me, and I’m already back on my old bullshit. Uni got a bit too much at the end of last semester and I was getting very overwhelmed by how much Adam Sandler I had to watch. But we’re back with a set fresh of eyes to look Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Takeaway-Style Butter Chicken

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

The luxurious, creamy sweet feel of a takeaway butter chicken is an indescribably gorgeous sensory experience that combines the eroticism of a soft titty-fucking with the comfort of Frank Ocean singing a lullaby.  For years I’ve dreamed of the day when I could say ‘Fuck the Read more...

Nitro Is Not Safe For Human Consumption

Posted 9:44pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Nitro is a kick up the arse from a big, heavy boot made of pure methamphetamine. The fact that this drink even exists is evidence enough that the human race is destined to destroy itself.  Let’s break it down. At its core, Nitro is a fairly simple cocktail of vodka and orange soda Read more...

Love Is Blind | Yoko and John

Posted 9:41pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Yoko I knew I was either going to have the best night Read more...

Dear Aunty Kells and Mama Zo: I can never seem to find the right shampoo for my hair. How do you choose the right one?

Posted 9:38pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Doing the weekly flat shop is at its absolute worst when you’ve run out of conditioner and shampoo, your flatties are trying to get through the check-out, you’re still looking at shampoo, having an existential crisis “AM I NORMAL, IS MY HAIR NORMAL?!” figuring out what Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week ODT Watch Was Leaked the ODT’s Biannual External Review

Posted 2:16am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore

Sources within the ODT have confirmed that Editor Barry Fitzbarry has spent the last week laughing at the moon and hosting debaucherous orgies in the ODT boardroom, assuming that because Critic has been dealing with international media attention (your time will come, ODT), we’d be too busy to Read more...

The Post Fact World | Issue 13

Posted 1:02am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore

In 2018 a bill was passed to change MENstruation, to PEOPLEstruation. The airport was originally called the plane station until Hugh Grant fucked up his voice over in 2003’s Love Actually and no one was willing to admit the then-heart throb was incorrect.  Campus Watch was Read more...

Kingfisher Premium Lager is a Sneaky Bastard

Posted 7:50pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Every week I’m tempted by the same tantalising offer. This sultry temptress is not that hot fresher at 10 Bar, but instead twelve 5% beers for $22. I am of course talking about Kingfisher Premium Lager. This beer created in India is cheap, easy to drink, and much like its slogan (“The Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Shakira and Kanye

Posted 7:44pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Shakira  On a chilly Thursday night, Read more...

Critic Food Review | Twinings English Breakfast Tea

Posted 7:40pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by David Emanuel

Twinings English Breakfast Tea is the opposing force to 2018, our last hope before we descend into complete censorship. It is important to clarify that every year the big wigs who write the Oxford English Dictionary add a new word to the dictionary to represent the feeling of the times. This year Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Let Themselves Down

Posted 9:07pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

We’re disappointed in the ODT this week. They missed an obvious pun. Alternative headline: “Post shops to become post-post shops.” Are you ok Barry (I assume your name’s Barry)? Is your strained relationship with your wife and your growing isolation from your children Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Signmaker

Posted 5:47pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Some students and landlords commission the construction of signs, usually from a commercial outfit, but a new (to me, at least) market has emerged. A few years ago I caught up with Jasper, at the time a fourth year law student, who for the previous three years had been making flat signs on Read more...

Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family

Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison.  Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...