Archive

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Were Full of Themselves

Posted 9:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week, the ODT has a vey high opinion of themselves indeed.  There’s nothing more “eminent” and “witty” than talking about how eminent and witty you are.     Desperate to live up to their self-awarded wittiness, the ODT then engaged Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...

Simple Recipes for Simple People: BLTs

Posted 8:44pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Lachie Robertson

BLTs are the Conrad Smith of feeds. Not underrated, because everyone froths them, but also not everyone’s first thought when it comes to the all-time greats. They’re fucking good though, the whole package really. Whether we’re talking flat dinners, hungover feeds or a 3 am Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Big Daddy

Posted 8:41pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In all honesty, I’ve been waiting to review this film merely because I love the thought of having “Adam Sandler” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. “Big Daddy” is shit. God, it’s such a terrible film. This film makes absolutely no fucking sense. Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Who Gnomes About Pussy Planet?

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Not far from the 24 hour dairy on George Street stands a large two storey weatherboard house that has been converted to a 7 bedroom flat. For many years it has had a name, possibly as long as a decade, but last year’s residents made what may be its very first sign. Of the more than 500 Read more...

Who the Fuck Even Was Stephen Hawking?

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Stephen Hawking died last week on the 14th of March 2018. He was arguably one of the most well-known scientists of the last half century. He was even something of a pop culture icon, with appearances in “The Simpsons,” “Futurama,” and more. Most white, male scientists are Read more...

Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar

Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | Advice on Sending It

Posted 8:26pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you are reading this thinking we’re about to deliver some absolute pearlers on how to be the most productive you you’ve ever been, you’re about to be more disappointed than hearing certain presidential election results. To be utterly frank, we operate purely off mantras. Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Drake and Josh

Posted 8:19pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Drake I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 04

Posted 10:55pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

John Lennon and George Harrison once got a bus across Liverpool to visit a man who could teach them the chord B7. In the late Middle Ages, books were so valuable that libraries would chain them to the bookcase. This was widely practiced until the 18th century. Ladybird sex sessions can last Read more...

14 Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Post Malone

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Post Malone translates in Latin as “after-dinner mints” Post Malone is named after Posts Malone, a fencing company in Malone, Florida A “Malone” is a male lone Post Malone and Childish Gambino are actually Siamese twins Post Malone is the only person to ever be 77 Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Smoked Some Weed and Told Ghost Stories

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we jump right into the high-octane world of the ODT’s opinion section. Riveting, absolutely riveting.     Next, I imagine the ODT gazing out of a window running aesthetically with rain while Bic Runga plays in the background, pondering the muses Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 04

Posted 10:11pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Lecturer Tells IT Person to Get Fucked He’s had it. After ten years of computers, OHPs and sound systems not working in lectures, a brave lecturer has finally told a patronising member of the IT support staff to get fucked. Students in the first year class couldn’t believe what Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Happy Gilmore

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We are literally only four weeks into this column and I must admit, I’m starting to feel defeated. I genuinely do not understand him. Half of me believes that he is the greatest mastermind of all time, producing the same slightly altered content to rake in the money, and the other half Read more...

Critic Food Review | Cadbury Creme Egg

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Many believe that the art of painting hard boiled eggs in spring time was a pagan ritual that represented new life, fertility and rebirth. Many others believe that Christians stole the ritual, rebranded it and related it to the resurrection of Christ. Others suspect, thanks to da Vinci’s Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Signs of Sex

Posted 9:29pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

There is a prevalent sexual theme running through the history of Dunedin’s named flats, though on analysis it is a minority. No doubt the thematic vein of possibilities has not been thoroughly mined. The sexual references in flat names tend broadly to people’s bits, things related to Read more...

Hi, Dr Nick | The Love Hormone?

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland; a hormone-producing gland that is located at the base of the brain. In recent years it has been referred to as the “love” hormone, the “cuddle” hormone, and just about everything else positive under Read more...

Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”

Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...

The Definitive Guide to Talking About The Sex That You Or Other People Are Having

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Here’s the thing with sex – like most things you will do in your life, it’s going to be good, it’s going to be bad, and it will often seem like a good idea when you’re drunk. But, just like getting sex advice from your well-meaning father, you don’t need to always Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Nakia and T'Challa

Posted 9:16pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Nakia I’ve heard some tragic stories about these blind dates, but what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? After months of good old peer pressure from the girls, I thought I’d spice up my life and finally gave in. I made quite the entrance when my friend dropped me Read more...