Archive

Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women  and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...

Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...

Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 08

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Going from kinky sex all the time to suddenly single was quite a shock. I realised that I no longer enjoyed boring missionary one-night stands. This lead to me hooking up with a past ex who was having the same problem as me. It was a fun few sessions, but I knew I didn’t want to continue Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's

Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Mr. Darcy I had no idea what to expect. But, to build up some Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 07

Posted 3:06am Friday 5th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the Otago Daily Times set out on a good old-fashioned road trip. What could they have discovered? The solitary traffic light in Kaitangata? The shed in Milton that has a smiley face with a ballsack for a nose? The gay nightlife of Gore? Hell. I’m in Hell. At least Read more...

That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows

Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...

Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...

Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...

Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate

Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 07

Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you. This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stars are looking good for Read more...

How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?

Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders.   Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore

Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 06

Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 06

Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!!     The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to:     Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...