Archive

Horoscope | Issue 6

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mending unstable friendships is a great idea this week. Stop blowing your friends off for a basic breatha with chlamydia and send them a message about how awesome they are. Your cereal choice this week: Porridge but pretend it’s Read more...

Booze Reviews | Beefeater Gin

Posted 3:53pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

In a time of loneliness we all need to find someone, or something, to keep us company. And because I’m a sad, single alcoholic, I’ve found my companion in a bottle of Beefeater Gin. To say Beefeater will boost your mood in a time as tough as this would be a bit of a lie. As Albert Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 6

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

How many times have you come close to death? To see the edges of the world grow void of colour, and feel everything growing impossibly distant, only to be wrenched back to unfortunate reality. It happened to me twice in one night, and it was the first time I met with someone I met on Grindr. The Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Accidental Isolation Partner

Posted 10:35am Wednesday 8th April 2020 by Critic

Monday 23 March, 2020. Doomsday. When the news hit, there was panic in my flat. So much so that it rubbed off on me. My flatmates were making plans to move home, but with the flights blocked and my dad immunocompromised, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me. I was left with a choice. I could Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Bliss Balls

Posted 4:53pm Tuesday 7th April 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Baking sweet snacks is the perfect isolation activity. But I hear ya, there’s no FUCKing flour or sugar at the supermarket. What the fuck are you supposed to bake then? I know bliss balls might seem like a sad proxy for baking but they are actually delicious, sweet, quick and easy. Just like Read more...

Let Young People Celebrate, Even If the World Is Ending

Posted 3:38pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Jamie Mactaggart

If you’ve been online in the past week you would have seen two things. First, this Covid-19 shit is hitting the fan and second, the old people are angry at students again. They are angry because while they were buying all the fucking toilet paper, students were focused on how there is always Read more...

Booze Reviews | Quarantini Selection

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Critic

Cold and Flu Supplements to Mix with Your Leftover St Paddy’s Day Whisky and a little bit of Redbull I thought that cocktail - ‘Quarrantini’ – that was making its way around social media was fucking revolutionary. I decided to test out other cold and flu supplements that Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Focaccia

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Not to be corny, but making bread is an activity that has brought me unrivalled joy throughout my life. A handful of ingredients and a few hours will yield a delicious loaf to share and fill and entire house with the cosiest, most comforting smell.  This focaccia recipe is really, actually, Read more...

Vape Review | A.N.Z.A.A.C

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Believe it or not, I am somewhat of a patriot. At least when it comes to biscuits. I have tried multiple Anzac flavoured vape juices, and I can honestly say that none have come as close to what Vapourium offers. I think this one has done our fallen soldiers proud, boys. Before you go out and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 5

Posted 6:20pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Last summer, I did what any bored and horny gal does and tried to get validation from random Tinder guys. I swiped on a dude who seemed pretty cute, but a bit of a shit cunt - just my type. We talked for a bit and then decided to go out for a cheeky afternoon drink. After a few too many beers and Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 5

Posted 6:19pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles. Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Water Read more...

Just the Tip | Issue 5

Posted 5:55pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Want to deal with a dick flatmate, problems with your studies, or want tips on how to woo your latest Tinder match? Your anonymous concerns will be addressed by a panel of Critic's life coaches. The Virgin Sappho, 2nd Year I. Need. A gf. I’ve tried several dating apps, I’ve Read more...

Editorial: R.I.P. Blind Date

Posted 9:50am Monday 16th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

From this week onward, there will be no more Critic Blind Date. I know. You’re all going to be fucking gutted. In a way, so am I – no editor relishes cutting institutions from the magazine. But this had to be done. Critic cannot 100 percent guarantee your safety on the blind date, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Dirty Double Brown & Sunshine

Posted 12:42pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

St Patrick’s day is upon us. It would be rude not to give you some relevant cocktails for a filthy Tuesday on the piss. Dirty Double Brown -       30ml whiskey -       15mls Read more...

Vape Review

Posted 12:39pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by Nicki O'Teen

If you want an inoffensive vaping experience, then the Ice Cucumber is the flavour for you. It literally just tastes like cool air with a sweet afterbirth. Ice Cucumber is only 2.5% strength, so it doesn’t leave you with the pairing of burning lungs and self-deprecating thoughts. This flavour Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 4

Posted 6:43pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

I don’t know what the place is called, but if you walk up that fuck off hill from Arana – up past the cemetery and to the top of where the botans begin/ends – there is this field. I drive past it all the time to get to the supermarket without having to deal with all the traffic on Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 4

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day. What you smell like this week: Desperation.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your last Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Avo and Chicken Rice Balls

Posted 6:35pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Recently we resolved that we would become much better people and start bringing a packed lunch to Uni. Where better to start than rice balls, the food so many students already consume with unrestrained financial passion? Since they are now a devastating $4.70 at St. Dave’s, it seemed there was Read more...

EDITORIAL: Report Your Shit Cunt Landlord

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 8th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

Most landlords that Critic come across are shit cunts (SCLs for short). SCLs believe that students should be grateful to be housed at all, and that rotting properties are ok because students will trash the place anyway. SCLs think that providing a roof is enough, and that adequate housing quality is Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

 For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of Read more...