Archive

Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...

Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...

Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends

Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...

Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 20

Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 20

Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions   Yes.   Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 19

Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous.   The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...

Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”

Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...

Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...

Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...

Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison

Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...

Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital

Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone

Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 19

Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...

Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall

Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...