Archive

Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck

Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...

Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It

Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill

Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too.  This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta

Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda

Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan

Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

HARRY   Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1

Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 1

Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...

Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map

Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy

Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

111, one drug pls!!!   Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation.     Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...

Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...

Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...

Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...

Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard

Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26

Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 26

Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out

Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Oh no, not the eels!   Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving.   The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets.   Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...