Ethel & Hyde | Issue 10

Ethel & Hyde | Issue 10

My Food is For Me

Dear Ethel & Hyde

My flatmate's boyfriend keeps eating my food. I know it is him but when I confronted him he denied it. What should I do?

Ethel and Hyde is brought to you by the Student Support Centre. They advise you to take Ethel’s advice.

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Ethel says:

A very disturbing predicament indeed. By the sounds of it this is not just a one off occurrence, but has been happening over a period of time. Have you talked with your flatmate about this? It might be a better way to get the boyfriend to listen. I hope he is not there all the time using electricity and hot water every day too! To avoid any confusion with food, if you are not sharing grocery shopping with your flatmates, it’s helpful to allocate a different cupboard and part of the fridge to each person. If there are concerns about whose food is whose, then a sticky label with your name on it attached to the food is the easiest way to clear this up. If it keeps happening, call a whole flat meeting to bring the issue to the attention of everyone so you can come up with a solution as a group.

Hyde says:

Mehehehehe, filching food thief will sufffffer for fueling his foreskin with your feast! Go to the pharmacy and spend $10 on a bottle of Coloxyl with Senna, 30 tabs. Race home, crush these into a powder and make your best cheese sauce with the usual stuff plus the magical powder. Macaroni cheese is quick and easy, put some bacon bits in just to make sure the rat eats it; rats love bacon. Take some out, so it looks like you have eaten a portion and when the filthy filcher comes over, tell him to help himself as your way of saying sorry for falsely accusing him of eating your food. Tell him he can have it all, but that you don’t want him to share it as you are punishing the other flatmates for eating the food you thought he ate. Next, lock the toilet door from the inside, climb out the window and wait with phone in hand for the best footage of Panic as the arse gets hit by waves of convulsions brought on by those fanlaxatistic laxatives.

This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2017.
Posted 3:27pm Sunday 7th May 2017 by Student Support.